The women in my life: My Heroes

March is Women's month and it's only fitting to honor women by writing something that shows how beautiful and great a woman is.

I don't want to blog about famous personalities instead, I want to write about the wonderful women in my life how they struggled, how they faced and how they survived every difficult situation in their lives.

In random order.

• Zenaida "Nanay Naida" Cayanong. (My REAL mother) I grew up fearing her. But I saw how some of the people admire her, how they look up to her. And I thought, maybe, just maybe she's not that bad afterall. And I finally accepted the fact that my mother has been the greatest. Yes, she's not perfect, she has her flaws, her shortcomings, but who doesn't? What I admire about her the most is her courage. The courage to fight for what she wants, the way she suffered cancer, how she overcame it. But the thing that I love her for the most is she strived really hard together with my father to give my brothers and I the best life we could possibly have. We were never wealthy, we only had enough. We don't get everything we want but we always get what we need. Like I've said before, "bali-balihon man nako ang kalibutan, Nanay gihapon nako siya."

• Leonor "Nanay Onon" Licup. Who would never love someone who took you in and took care of you since you were a tiny tod til your old enough to get married? She treated me like her own daughter, she took care of me like I was her own, she loved me like she was the one who gave birth to me. That's Nanay Onon. She was strict, I never got to swim in the sea because of her. I seldom go out to play in the streets because she didn't want me to. I played on my own with my dolls and other toys. I was urged to dance Hawaiian and ballroom solo for their entertainment. Memories. It's as if those were part of another time and place. How things changed but how she loved and cared for me remains the same. I love her like how I love my biological mother. And if I allow myself to be really honest, I love her more. She sacrificed a lot for me and I owe her a lot. I could never pay her back. All I could do is love her and try not to disappoint her.

• Merlita "Inday Merlie" Licup. What good genes this family has. They took me in when my parents were too busy to take care of me. Shortly after Espee got married, Nanay Onon moved in with them in Cebu. I was left with Nang Inday, together with Fritz. She became my guardian from Junior year until I graduated in High School. She took care of Fritz and I. I still can't find the words to say. She took care of us when it was not even her responsibility. She sacrificed a lot for us without even asking anything in return. When I had noone to turn to, she was there for me. Distance never mattered. She would call just to check on me. And now, she's gone. But the goodness she had shown to us will never be forgotten. The memories we shared, both the good and the bad, will forever be etched in my mind and heart. The day you died left a kind of pain that I know will never, ever ease up. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. I hope justice will be served.

• Carmencita "Tiya Carmen" Cabeltis. I saw how she battled cancer. I watched how she fought to stay alive. I witnessed how it slowly beat her. And I looked at how she loved life eventhough hers was bittersweet. Cancer was not the only battle she fought. At a young age, she had dealt with more. But she survived it all. You see, dying from cancer doesn't mean you lost the fight. It's how you deal with it that determines whether you won or not. And I am one of the many who saw how she lived with what she had. And how I adored her for it. She never saw cancer as the end of her. Instead she saw it as a test and I know she passed it. She accepted her fate. She embraced God even more. She loved us with all that's left of her. My only consolation now is that she's finally with our creator and I know that she's pain-free now. Death doesn't mean goodbye. We'll see each other soon, I know.

• Irene Joyce Cedano. My partner in crime, my chat buddy, my bff, my confidante, my alter ego. You see her always smiling, looking like she doesn't have any problems at all. Her smiles may fool you, haha. I'm sorry, Irene. Aira is a lot of things. But what struck me the most is how she can hold it together. How she can bottle all her emotions and not let it all out. How she doesn't allow drama to ruin her day. How she doesn't allow shits to get the best of her. And I saw how she lived with a loss so great but she did not give up. She never showed signs of weakness. And how I wish I could be like her. With all the drama I am dealing with now, I wish I was like her. Irene, I hope I won't regret writing this. Knowing you, you'd definitely rub this on my face. but bahala na.

• Louhtes Gayle "Bitch" Aspacio. Motherhood was something we were not ready for. I saw how scared you were the day you learned you were pregnant. And I witnessed how you lived each day with Riley inside you. The past few days have been the most difficult times of your (Mikko's) lives. From the unexpected turn of events to the day things turned for the better. Bitch, I love you. And I care for you like how I care for a sibling. And I only want the best for you, and for Riley as well. Yesterday was by far the scariest day of our lives. And I saw how you braved it out. And because of that I respected you a whole lot more. Nakaya ni nimo, makaya pa jud nimo ang mga umaabot na trials. Ikaw pa!!! And all your friends are here for you, bitch. You know that.

• Riley Dione Dela Pena. You scared us all. But you managed to make us smile over our tears. ALthough I only saw you from a far, I love you already. Fighting to live is enough for me to admire you, kiddo. I can't wait to hold you.

fool again

03.25.11
It's been a month.
And I still feel the same.
I am still the same fool.

I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries :)

When the heart breaks

I don't quite understand how I feel.

I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm feeling right now.

I feel like I couldn't breathe.

I feel like puking.

I don't feel like crying.

I don't feel like drinking.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know how to pretend that I'm not hurting.

There's something in my chest.

Pain? Im not so sure how to describe it.

It hurts.

There are butterflies in my stomach, I still feel like puking.

but my eyes refuse to cry.

Maybe then this heartbreak is what I just need to stop this madness that has been long overdue.

I knew that yellow shirt marked the end of what we had.

Now, I know that have nothing to hope for. I can move on and go on with my life without looking back.

Whatever happens in Oz.

Wherever life may take me, I know, I wont have regrets and confusing choices because the love that I've been holding onto has finally made me see the truth.

It is just not meant to be.

And I finally accepted that now.

Monday, was goodbye.

The end of what we had.

My heart is not completely broken. It is breaking so slowly and this will go on for days, weeks, months....

until someone comes along and unbreaks it.

I still hope for that day.

I hope that day would come before I would decide to do something that is against what I believed in, dreamt about, hoped and wished for.

I still believe in love after everything I've been through.

I hope you are happy and I hope you'd stay that way with her.

This isn't goodbye to us, but it's goodbye to what could have been us.

There's still friendship.

See you when I see you, JMM.

Candle in the Wind

11^th of March 2011

Eight days have passed.

Eight painful days since we heard news so tragic it left us crippled until now.

Tragedies always catch us unaware, always unexpected and always painful.

I still could not put into writing the deep loss I feel upon losing someone so dear to me. Yes, I am just her cousin but the bond we had is beyond that description. She was my guardian, my sister. She sacrificed years of her life for me, being my guardian, which she did not sign up for yet she took care of me without complaints. She was always there when no one ever did.

My words could not justify the goodness, the happiness she had shared and given to each of us. What saddens me is the thought that I was not even able to thank her for everything that she had done for me thinking that she would be around far longer than she did.

It breaks my heart every single day the realization that hers was a very frightening and painful death. The thought of the fear she felt the first time she heard that gunshot and realized that it was aimed at the car she was driving. The pain she felt as the first gunshot tore through her flesh. And the next, and the next till she felt no more pain. What were her last thoughts? Was she able to cry out for help? These are only a few of the things that boggle my mind since that incident. I could not comprehend the sadness, the pain and the anger I feel toward this tragedy and the people responsible for it.

Somehow all these emotions are kept inside me for I fear that if I let it all out, the fact that she’s really gone would finally sink in. And I am still not ready to let her go just yet. I am in denial so as every person close to her.

Everyday I would look at her and try to make myself believe that she’s actually gone but to no avail.

And in this last night that we will be with her physically, I still find it difficult to grasp the reality that she is actually gone.

17th of March, 2:00am

Two weeks have passed since that tragic day.

I still find it hard to believe that she's gone. The pain in my heart is too much to bear. I just wanted to sleep and hope that when I wake up, this was all just a bad dream and that she's actually alive.

Easing the pain. Moving on.

When?

I have no idea.

All I know is that the pain I'm feeling is not getting any better.

In time, we will learn to live with the pain and face the changes in our lives after this tragic end of Nang Inday's life. In God's time, it won't feel this bad.

Nang Inday, my prayers are always with you.

May you rest in peace.

<3>

One Fateful December night. One Romantic January Morning. One Tragic February Dawn. One Heartbreaking March Afternoon

What commenced after the White Party 2010?

I need to make lifestyle changes. And it starts with my bed time. I have to sleep a few hours early than my usual bedtime since October.

Now that he found his way out of my life, would things go back to normal?

Normal.

What a funny word.

"Back to the way things were."

Which got me to thinking, how things were before the madness got out of hand?

Things were okay between that kiss and the White Party. I could still sleep peacefully at night. Days would go by without me thinking of him.

But what started after that?

I have always told myself that I woul not fall in love with him. But Eric, my personal "Madam Auring" told me I would. I was so sure I wouldn't until I realized I was, one fateful December night. Mind you, I was not jumping up and down with joy. Instead, I cried.

I knew right at that moment that I was in for a broken heart.

But just like any other girl that's struck with the power of La-la-Love, I was still capable of thinking rationally but I did not make full use of it. I was happy, who cared if it was wrong?

You know that song by Meatloaf, I'd do anything for love?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X_ViIPA-Gc

Oh yes, I did.

But I did not do that.

What, exactly?

Step on my pride. I won't do that.

I'm not sure what self-preservation really means. But I think that's what I'm doing.

I don't like rejection. I don't like being helpless and hopeless. I don't like being in a compromising situation. I don't like pain. I have zero to low pain tolerance.

I've stretched myself beyond my limit. I am a fool for love, I have always been. Every time I fall in love, I would hope that it would be the last that I would. When I feel so sure about how I feel, I would take the risks.

But falling in love with him has different risks and consequences. I'm not sure what we were, what we had or still have? Were we MU? Fling? Char-char?

I don't know what category I should put us in. But why should I worry about the type of relationship we had when it already ended? Well, at least I think it did. He's not texting me anymore. And when I hit him up on Fb, he'd go cold on me. Did I tell you I hate rejections? Oh, I did?

Yeah, I did.

Right now, I just want to be with him. I want to matter to him. I want him to tell me that he feels the same way, that I'm worth the risk. I want him to be more than what he was to me. I want to be more than just that girl to him. I want to be his world.

But I don't have the guts to tell him that and he's gone cold on me.

Maybe, he was not serious after all. Maybe, he was just playing around.

I love him.

But there's a breaking point.

And that was when I learned a lot of things about the other girl/s. When I saw photos and comments, it broke my heart into a million pieces.

A friend once told me to:

But it's the thing that keeps me going. It's like everytime I read or see something, it breaks my heart but it moves me closer to moving on.

I am a masokista at heart.

I played around because he was playing around. In the end, I learned that if I fight fire with fire I would still end up getting burned. What's sad about this whole madness is that, I got played, I got hurt, but in the end I still love him and I want him in my life.

Even if he doesn't want to be in mine anymore.