And then it ended with a... kiss.

26th December, 2010

10:35am

"I love you, goodbye."

This is not the first time that i got my heart broken. But this is definitely the first time I got my heart broken without the guy knowing that he did.

Words aren't enough to describe how I feel right now. A part of me wants to go on loving him and play the fool. Another part of me wants to just stop this madness and save myself from getting hurt even more. But then I realized, if he really does at least care for me, as I've led myself to believe, he would've texted. But he didn't.

I decided to just set aside what I feel for him. To let it go.


29th of December, 2010

Four days.
It has been four long days since I've been with him.
I am wounded. My heart is broken but I shouldn't be complaining because nothing happened between us. I just fell in love with him.

my only consolation is that I know, the time will come that these feeling I feel for him, the love, the pain, all these will go away in time. I will get over him. When, I have no idea. I will continue loving him, from a distance.

I will be okay. I just know I will be. :-)

Solitary Confinement

Dec. 24, 2010

7pm

In my room

"Solitary confinement"

I chose to isolate myself from everyone else for a few minutes. It's not because I am on a verge of a drama explosion but because that's what I feel that I need right now.

I just need to be with myself: mind, heart and body. To actually really think things through.

Emotional roller coaster.

I've been in the most twisted and sickening emotional roller coaster ride the past couple of months. It all started with the "que sera, sera" and the go-with-the-flow mantra I have.

It all started with a little challenge that I gave myself last Albuera Fiesta. I won. But looking at where things are right now, looks like I am losing.

Losing my sense of reason, myself, my sanity, and most of all, my heart.

I must say it's nobody's fault. Not his. Not mine.

Every thing we did was all a reaction.

Well, at least I'd like to think it that way. There's no room for regrets in my life. There are things that I know I should regret but I chose not to. These mistakes have brought along lessons that I know would teach me something.

And I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now but eventually, I would. And by then, I would understand why.

I once read this quote and it stuck to me:

"I make mistakes but mistakes are sometimes what make life, LIFE."

In my entire life, I've made a lot of mistakes. I used to regret it all. Then I later realized that these made me wiser, stronger and more careful. As I've said before, regretting won't take back what I did. But acknowledging the mistake helps me learn. That's what's important. We have to make mistakes in order for us to learn.

Signs.

We all ask God for signs.

If we could pass the board exams. If we should choose something over another, or someone over somebody. Or if the person we like or love feels the same way we do.

And God, ever the joker, would sometimes give us the vaguest of signs, or the thing we ask for followed by events that'd make us think otherwise.

Leaving us confused as ever.

I've been thinking of what signs to ask God. I couldn't think of any. Sometimes everything just get so messed up. So screw the signs. I'm done.

Maybe it's time to face the music. REALITY.

It's all in my head.

Maybe I just misinterpreted everything. Maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe he just wants to get in my pants. Maybe, just maybe I just fall too easily. Too quick to believe every bullshit that comes out of his mouth.

"Maybe it isn't love. Maybe it's a sudden feeling. A sudden feeling and I just overreacted."

Working things out.

Just because some things didn't work out doesn't mean relationships must end. Sometimes we just have to put aside unreciprocated feelings. It may hurt a lot, it may not hurt at all. But it's nicer to save friendships over broken hearts. We have to keep in mind that we were friends first before anything else. And in this case, he didn't make me hope. It was all my doing. What's the point of anger if the person doesn't even deserve it, right?

My favorite mistake.

Of all my mistakes, you are definitely my favorite. Because having you, being with you has made me happy more than anyone ever did. And having you has made me feel a lot of emotions more than anyone ever did. Emotions that are sometimes extreme. I never felt unstable and insecure with anyone else but you.

Choices and making decisions.

Life is sometimes all about making them.

HANGING ON.

HOLDING BACK.

LETTING GO.

MOVING ON.

2010 has almost reached its end.

What and who should I take with me to the new year, what and who am I going to leave behind?

We'll see.

Life is, after-all a daring adventure.

For now, I just want to enjoy what's left of the holidays. Hopefully, drama-free.

It started with a kiss

CDUH net cafe

8pm

It was of those days.

When I simply want to escape.

Escape reality.

I tend to do just that.

I drifted from reality.

To fantasy.

I was deep in thought.

Not minding the songs playing.

Reminding us that Christmas is near.

And then it struck me.

It struck me real hard.

I have fallen.

Fallen.

Fast.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

That realization scares me.

I have to learn to accept that.

I have two choices:

To accept and move forward.

Or to accept and move on.

At first it felt wrong.

So wrong that I get a rush every time.

But now.

It only feels right.

So right that it makes me wonder.

Have I lost my senses?

Oh my.

I don't even want to know.

I just want to cry.

Tears are pooling.

But I can not cry.

I just can't.

I don't want people to wonder.

This is doomed.

This is destined to end.

I will get hurt.

I just know I will.

But could I stop?

I am in too deep to stop.

I tried to stop this.

I tried not to feel this.

But I did.

And now.

I am bound to get hurt.

Maybe.

I should try to just enjoy.

Enjoy the ride.

Enjoy it until it's over.

I am here already.

Might as well make myself happy.

There's no point in choosing pain.

When I know that pain is what I will feel.

If I choose to move on.

Why not make the most of it?

So.

I choose.

To Move Forward.

For now.

How things would go in the near future.

I have no idea.

I have my eyes half-close.

This started with a kiss.

But how would this end?

I wonder.

I saw the sign...

Words.

I am at loss for words. I can not even begin to describe how I feel right now. I feel so cheated.

My thoughts are all jumbled.

I don't like this feeling very much. The feeling that you feel just when you decided to let it all go, to just leave the feelings behind, and then Voila! Shit Happens and it leaves you with your eyes wide open, mouth hanging and thoughts in disarray.

Irene and I think of ourselves as the Punchline for this never-ending joke that God has been playing on us since, ... Since I don't know when. Just when I thought the joke has ended, turned out, it still hasn't.

This joke would have been funny if it wasn't on me. But it is on me and it cracks me up in an ironic way.

Don't you just love it when you ask God for signs whether to move forward or let go? And then he would go on and show you a myriad of those weird signs we ask? And when you finally see the signs and make your choice, things would happen that would make you think otherwise? If I don't have a healthy mind, I would've gone bonkers by now.

But as they say, "Things happen for a reason." We may not know the reason right away but it's always guaranteed that it'll always be a win-win situation. We may get hurt, get stomped on, rejected and ignored but in the end, these are the things that would make us stronger and wiser.

Maybe I'm not supposed to make decisions right away. Maybe I just have to wait it all out, see where things may lead me. Whether to him or to somebody else.

Maybe love is like riding a rollercoaster. It gets us excited for the ride. And when it's about to start, we'd get crazy nervous and we'd have second thoughts whether to go on or get out. And then the ride would start, it gets even scarier with all the loops and turns and the drops. We laugh when the ride gets smooth. And as the ride goes on, we couldn't wait for it to reach its final turn. We're always in a hurry to reach the end. And then after the ride, when we get off the rollercoaster, we'd ask ourselves, "Is it worth the fear?" "The tears and the shouts?"

Rollercoasters scare the living daylights out of me. For fear that I would get hurt or I would fall. But I still ride them anyway. It gives me the rush that I need once in awhile and riding it makes me happy. It won't keep me wondering how it would feel.

Just like LOVE. I got burned over and over again. I would cry. I would swear never to love again. I would let my heart rest. And when LOVE presents itself to me, I would close my eyes and grab it by the tail.

I will wait for the day that I could love and be loved once again. I don't want to play around. I just want to have that someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. I'm not asking for anything other than that person. I don't ask for too much. I want and I need someone who is man enough to prove to me that he is worth falling into. I just need one guy, just one guy, to prove to me that love works, not to everybody else, BUT TO ME.

A lot of things could and would happen. Good or Bad. It's up to us how we see the glass, whether it's half-empty or half-full. No matter how things get, I always choose to see it as half-full. Nothing much is going on in my life right now. Maybe God is preparing me for something, or someone greater.

Shit Happens, But life is beautiful.

I saw the sign...

I will wait it out. I will enjoy whatever it is that I have. I will not beat myself up thinking about how he feels. I will wonder. I am wondering. But I have to stop, I will stop eventually. Everything has its end. This, this madness has, too.

What hurts the most...

Somehow I can not put into words how I truly feel right now. I'm not sure if my mild depression is due to the weather or because of the painful realization I had a few hours earlier. Or maybe, both.

Denial.

This is perhaps the most common defense mechanism a person uses when facing hurtful truths. And I was in denial the past weeks for one reason. As the days go by, I was in denial for another reason. Just when I was able to accept the truth, a couple of realizations have hit me hard on the forehead.

Firstly, I am smitten. Love is too strong a word and Like is too weak a word to describe how I feel for him. And I forced myself to believe that I only wanted one thing from him, that I am not ready for something serious. I beat myself up to believe that I only wanted to play a game. Because I know that it's only a game to him. I was a challenge, a goal. And after that, I would get disposed.

After months of denial, I finally allowed myself to accept that sad fact. And I made the very mistake of allowing my

self to hope. To hope that he might feel the same way that I do. Misinterpeting his actions as signs of affection, or something deeper. That my friends, is the biggest mistake I've ever

done. Everyday I hoped for him to come around and tell me his feelings. But he never did. And each day I would tell myself to j

ust let it go and just be friends with him. And then he would go on and say things that would make me weak in the knees.

Lastly, every woman has a breaking point. And I have almost reached mine. I am pulling myself together to prevent a heartbreaking downfall. That's when I have come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe he's just not that into me. I've always known that possibility. But I hoped that he would actually like me, and maybe even fall for me. I gave myself a false sense of hope. And before I hurt myself even more, I just have to stop. I have to stop this foolishness.

But just like an addict, I kept on wanting more of him. I can not understand the need I feel for him. This may sound a bit obsessive but I'm not. It's like looking at his photos is my daily fix. He's all I ever think about and it's starting to hurt. Does he ever think about me? Does he ever miss me the way I miss him? I don't know. I really don't know.

Before I find myself in too deep, I have to stop this madness. I just have to. For the love of me, I gotta stop this craziness. But I know, I will continue hoping that one of these days, he would finally come around. And I know for a fact that as each day goes by, my heart would break into tiny pieces knowing that he won't ever feel the same way that I do.

"The scariest thing was, we didn't even have to be together for him to break my heart."

Looking Back

It was no more than a slight interest on my part. I was curious. Eric got me curious. And one fateful night, that curiousity was fed by my impulsiveness. And by alcohol. Until now, I did not regret what I did. But I have a feeling that what I will do in the next days, or weeks, I will regret. Or maybe not. I don't really know. I will cross the bridge when I get there. And while I'm on my way, I will enjoy my ride. No matter how bumpy it is.

For months, that slight interest remained as it was. I never really took it seriously considering the situation I was in. I have been holding on to whatever control I have left. No matter what the other person involved says, I never took it seriously. Why? Because I don't want whatever I feel to grow deeper. No matter what my friends say, I still think it's wrong. I don't want to be so self-righteous but a few years from now, I don't want to be remembered as the girl who.....

Yes, this is probably a mistake. Holding on to this like a child holding a balloon afraid that it might fly away. I want this. This is making me happy. But I think this is wrong. It's too late for me to actually think this through since I am half way there.

This is probably the most honest that I can get. For a month now, maybe even more, I have been lying to myself about how I truly feel. Too afraid to admit that I have been hit by it. I can not even bring myself to type it. It's not that I am afraid, it's just that this may be a one-sided thing. The other person wants something else and I want the same thing with but with another thing altogether. I am afterall a woman. I tend to be emotional. It's not a bad thing, being emotional. But being just that screws things up.

Sometimes when I'm all alone I can't help but think about the possibilities. That person has been the major occupant of my mind. And I want to stop already. But everytime I try to, some things happen that prevents me from doing so.

I get butterflies, cold, clammy skin and just thinking about him makes me smile.

I want to stop. I am not whining. But I have to stop.

Looking back, I never thought this would end up this way. I thought maybe this would just last a month. But it has been almost five months.

Looking back, I told myself that I won't regret anything. I'm staying true to that. Because no matter how wrong this is, this made me happy. this made me smile. this completes my day.

And it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. What matters is, I am happy.