15th and 16th

25 weeks till I pop. Oh dear.

The past week has been filled with dizziness and I haven't been eating much. I rarely get hungry so God help me. I should be gaining a pound a week or whatever but my weight is just about the same the past three weeks. I am not quite sure whether that's a good thing or not.

Mood Swings. What a funny thing.
I was eating lunch a few minutes back and was watching Legally Blonde. Dammit, I was crying uncontrollably when Elle answered the professor's question correctly. Dammit. Even the over-dramatized tv commercial puts me to tears. Pwede muhilak tungod aning mood swings?

This is my tummy now. I wish it's bigger. Haha I am just so excited to be huge and it's okay to be big because I'm pregnant.. No one would tell me to go on a diet. hahaha

16 Weeks.

The past few days, I just feel so energetic. And of course, like any other good thing in the world, it has an end. At the end of the day, I feel like dragging myself to bed and just sleep my life away. Haha

I've been trying to listen to my baby's heartbeat thru a stethoscope. But I just can't. Either I have lost all my nursing skills or the steth is just a tad old. I've missed my check-up this month but I am booked to have all kinds of tests for weeks 16-19. I can not wait for my check up on December. Maybe then we'd find out the gender of my little pumpkin. We better. It's just a bit too expensive for me.

I spent these weeks, looking for baby things online and taking note of the things that I will order as soon as I get home to Filo. I can not believe I made a year-long list for things that Saige/Jev Matthew will need. Haha Am I a bit too excited? Haha Maybe. I also made plans with Icon last September with regards to my photo shoot as soon as my belly's big enough to be photographed. Now that's set, all I need is the confirmation of everything and I'd be a happy preggo. I'm just glad that I am not cranky like other pregnant women. I guess, Jev's one helluva lucky guy that my mood swings does not involve anger. hahaha

2013 is really a big year for the both of us. And I can not wait for things to take place and for everything to be official.

I guess that's it for the past couple of weeks. I am looking forward to a bigger belly and a healthy baby.

xx,
dee

Canigao Weekend

It's been a week since my family and I went to Southern Leyte to have some family bonding before my cousin, Al, and his brand new wife ,Rachelle, went back to Germany. We're kind of a big family and imagine us going on a trip. Haha. Pretty costly, especially the gas and the food since we require plenty of them. You see, my family is the kind who does not skimp on food. Di bale na na wala'y new clothes, car, house, et cetera as long as we have plenty of food on the table and inside the refrigerator. Gets? haha

We had a very early start last Saturday. We woke up around 4 in the morning to prepare and we left for Sogod, Southern Leyte around 5:30 AM. We had a pit stop in Baybay to buy softdrinks, bread and whatnots. We arrived in Agas-agas around 8am.

Only two of my cousins tried the zipine, the rest were such wimps. HAHA. Myself included. We took photos and we had breakfast al fresco a.k.a. in the parking lot. Then off to Matalom then Canigao Island.

We had lunch, toured the island, swam, then we went home.

And last Sunday, we went to Soob Mountain Resort in town. I wasn't able to take photos since it was raining. boo.

it was a fun weekend.

xoxo,
DEE

CEBOOM, CEBOOM. Sha-la-la-la-la

I Am back in Cebu! Oh yeah! and I am going home tomorrow because my family and relatives are going to Canigao Island. Woo-hoo.

I had nothing better to do so yeah I was bored.

Today is Gabb's fourth month and we celebrated it with Chocolate Mousse ccake and Greenwich lasagna.

Here's a series of photos of Gabbie and I.

Happy Four Months Gabbie!!!!

To my Best Man ii

I have a lot of friends. They are like boobs: some are real and there are some who are fake.

I am quite blessed when it comes to friendship. I have maintained quite a number of friends over the years and I am proud to say that we still have some type of communication. I've had a few bestfriends since I was like 3 or 4 although we are not as close before now, we still remained friends. And I have quite a few group of friends that sometimes I find it hard to choose which group I should go out with. Gasto kaayo, trust me. It's not that I'm complaining but my resources are limited. haha

I have my childhood friends, my grade school friends, High school Friends, college friends, Dole/Odh friends, my cousins/friends, and the LA.

Oh no, I'm not complaining that I have a lot of friends. Honestly, I am more than happy to have them in my life. There's nothing more I could wish for than to have these kind of people as my friends.

But as I look back, I realized that there's this one person who I can bring to any laag/party/event without so much as a fuss. Don't you just love to have that kind of friend who blends in and talk to everyone without complaining? That one person that you don't have to entertain all the time? That kind of friend who just arrives at your house unannounced then raids your fridge and disarrange everything in your room and just annoys the hell out of you? I have that one friend and his name is ERIC DEREY YAP BARBETCHO.

To Eric,

For the times that you made me laugh when all I wanted was to cry, for the moments when I needed a friend and you were there, for being with me during the toughest times of my life, for celebrating the joys of being alive with me, for putting up with my nasty temper and sarcastic nature, for the treats you've given me, for the craziest advices I've ever heard, for being REAL, for being who you are and for not pretending to love me, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I am really thankful that in spite of the negative things that we've been through, fights, lies, etc, we still made it through. Our friendship became stronger than ever. I never thought that our relationship could turn out like this. And I couldn't be any happier.

Thank you so much for keeping up with me. You know how I am most of the time. And promise, I'm just glad that you're still there for me bisag I am the craziest person there is with my mood swings. Ikaw ang nagpabilin. I mean, some friends left me because they got fed up with my lovelife. Who does that?

Anyway, I wish you all the best things in life and there's nothing more I want than for you to be truly happy.

You are 24 already. Some say that age is just a number and sure, life is just a word. But whether it's just a number or not, you are still entitled to atleast try to make your life better, more colorful, less dramatic than the one you had when you were 23. I do hope that this time, you'd try to make the right choices and decisions. I really want you NOT to screw up or hurt yourself to the point of breaking down and depression. I want you to think about things before acting on them. I want you not to make the same mistakes over and over again. It's not that nagbuot ko nimo or something but I just want you to be really happy and drama-free. I tell you, life is so much better without stress, drama and the wrong kind of people. Be happy Er! I love and miss you so mucho!!!

and oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY doll!!!

xoxo,

dee

The Miracle of Life

October 2, 2011 6:00 am-7:25 pm

We were anxiously waiting for Espee to safely deliver her second baby, Gabrielle Elizabeth. She had been unknowingly on labor since Saturday afternoon. It was when she had her bloody show early morning last Sunday that we brought her to the hospital. Without a doubt, everyone was as excited as I was but no one was as nervous as me. I have witnessed a lot of deliveries, whether NSVD or CS. I have also watched women in labor who were supposed to deliver normally but at the last minute something went wrong that they had no choice but to have a C-Section. But I never showed my worries instead I silently prayed for everything to go smoothly and without complications. I urged Germaine to pray for her mom as well. I have always believed that there's strength in numbers, that's why I sent a group message to my cousins asking them to pray for her safe delivery. 

God heeded our prayers. 7:26 pm, Espee delivered a baby girl via NSVD. Imagine my relief. NSVD. I could feel my tears welling up in my eyes and I tried so hard not to cry because Glenn was not even crying. Those were tears of joy. The same tears I shed when Gayle delivered Riley. And I am just so happy that both of them are out of danger and healthy. I felt like a big weight on my shoulders were lifted. I felt like I could breathe again. I remained calm outside but I was jumping for joy inside!

Having a VBAC is risky. There are complications. Through her determination and preparation, she was able to have it successfully and I really admire her for that. I could never do that. I would just simply submit myself to another CS because I'm scared I might screw things up. I am the worst nurse there is. I'm a great nurse for other people but when it comes to myself, I, I, I.... just don't do well with myself. I guess it comes with the knowledge that I have gained when I studied Nursing. Being aware has its downside, too, you know. 

Four days after her birth, 2 days after Espee was discharged, Baby Gab is still at the hospital undergoing antibiotic therapy due to meconium staining. But she's set to go home tomorrow and everybody is just so excited to welcome her home. I, on the other hand, have reservations. I am currently on antibiotic therapy, too, since I have cough and colds for over a week now. And I don't want her to contract  whatever bacteria/virus I have. Prevention has always been better than cure. So I guess I just have to stay away for awhile. I don't want to be blamed if something happens to her.

Anyway, this is Baby GAB. Isn't she an angel?

xoxo,

dee

The women in my life: My Heroes

March is Women's month and it's only fitting to honor women by writing something that shows how beautiful and great a woman is.

I don't want to blog about famous personalities instead, I want to write about the wonderful women in my life how they struggled, how they faced and how they survived every difficult situation in their lives.

In random order.

• Zenaida "Nanay Naida" Cayanong. (My REAL mother) I grew up fearing her. But I saw how some of the people admire her, how they look up to her. And I thought, maybe, just maybe she's not that bad afterall. And I finally accepted the fact that my mother has been the greatest. Yes, she's not perfect, she has her flaws, her shortcomings, but who doesn't? What I admire about her the most is her courage. The courage to fight for what she wants, the way she suffered cancer, how she overcame it. But the thing that I love her for the most is she strived really hard together with my father to give my brothers and I the best life we could possibly have. We were never wealthy, we only had enough. We don't get everything we want but we always get what we need. Like I've said before, "bali-balihon man nako ang kalibutan, Nanay gihapon nako siya."

• Leonor "Nanay Onon" Licup. Who would never love someone who took you in and took care of you since you were a tiny tod til your old enough to get married? She treated me like her own daughter, she took care of me like I was her own, she loved me like she was the one who gave birth to me. That's Nanay Onon. She was strict, I never got to swim in the sea because of her. I seldom go out to play in the streets because she didn't want me to. I played on my own with my dolls and other toys. I was urged to dance Hawaiian and ballroom solo for their entertainment. Memories. It's as if those were part of another time and place. How things changed but how she loved and cared for me remains the same. I love her like how I love my biological mother. And if I allow myself to be really honest, I love her more. She sacrificed a lot for me and I owe her a lot. I could never pay her back. All I could do is love her and try not to disappoint her.

• Merlita "Inday Merlie" Licup. What good genes this family has. They took me in when my parents were too busy to take care of me. Shortly after Espee got married, Nanay Onon moved in with them in Cebu. I was left with Nang Inday, together with Fritz. She became my guardian from Junior year until I graduated in High School. She took care of Fritz and I. I still can't find the words to say. She took care of us when it was not even her responsibility. She sacrificed a lot for us without even asking anything in return. When I had noone to turn to, she was there for me. Distance never mattered. She would call just to check on me. And now, she's gone. But the goodness she had shown to us will never be forgotten. The memories we shared, both the good and the bad, will forever be etched in my mind and heart. The day you died left a kind of pain that I know will never, ever ease up. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. I hope justice will be served.

• Carmencita "Tiya Carmen" Cabeltis. I saw how she battled cancer. I watched how she fought to stay alive. I witnessed how it slowly beat her. And I looked at how she loved life eventhough hers was bittersweet. Cancer was not the only battle she fought. At a young age, she had dealt with more. But she survived it all. You see, dying from cancer doesn't mean you lost the fight. It's how you deal with it that determines whether you won or not. And I am one of the many who saw how she lived with what she had. And how I adored her for it. She never saw cancer as the end of her. Instead she saw it as a test and I know she passed it. She accepted her fate. She embraced God even more. She loved us with all that's left of her. My only consolation now is that she's finally with our creator and I know that she's pain-free now. Death doesn't mean goodbye. We'll see each other soon, I know.

• Irene Joyce Cedano. My partner in crime, my chat buddy, my bff, my confidante, my alter ego. You see her always smiling, looking like she doesn't have any problems at all. Her smiles may fool you, haha. I'm sorry, Irene. Aira is a lot of things. But what struck me the most is how she can hold it together. How she can bottle all her emotions and not let it all out. How she doesn't allow drama to ruin her day. How she doesn't allow shits to get the best of her. And I saw how she lived with a loss so great but she did not give up. She never showed signs of weakness. And how I wish I could be like her. With all the drama I am dealing with now, I wish I was like her. Irene, I hope I won't regret writing this. Knowing you, you'd definitely rub this on my face. but bahala na.

• Louhtes Gayle "Bitch" Aspacio. Motherhood was something we were not ready for. I saw how scared you were the day you learned you were pregnant. And I witnessed how you lived each day with Riley inside you. The past few days have been the most difficult times of your (Mikko's) lives. From the unexpected turn of events to the day things turned for the better. Bitch, I love you. And I care for you like how I care for a sibling. And I only want the best for you, and for Riley as well. Yesterday was by far the scariest day of our lives. And I saw how you braved it out. And because of that I respected you a whole lot more. Nakaya ni nimo, makaya pa jud nimo ang mga umaabot na trials. Ikaw pa!!! And all your friends are here for you, bitch. You know that.

• Riley Dione Dela Pena. You scared us all. But you managed to make us smile over our tears. ALthough I only saw you from a far, I love you already. Fighting to live is enough for me to admire you, kiddo. I can't wait to hold you.

Candle in the Wind

11^th of March 2011

Eight days have passed.

Eight painful days since we heard news so tragic it left us crippled until now.

Tragedies always catch us unaware, always unexpected and always painful.

I still could not put into writing the deep loss I feel upon losing someone so dear to me. Yes, I am just her cousin but the bond we had is beyond that description. She was my guardian, my sister. She sacrificed years of her life for me, being my guardian, which she did not sign up for yet she took care of me without complaints. She was always there when no one ever did.

My words could not justify the goodness, the happiness she had shared and given to each of us. What saddens me is the thought that I was not even able to thank her for everything that she had done for me thinking that she would be around far longer than she did.

It breaks my heart every single day the realization that hers was a very frightening and painful death. The thought of the fear she felt the first time she heard that gunshot and realized that it was aimed at the car she was driving. The pain she felt as the first gunshot tore through her flesh. And the next, and the next till she felt no more pain. What were her last thoughts? Was she able to cry out for help? These are only a few of the things that boggle my mind since that incident. I could not comprehend the sadness, the pain and the anger I feel toward this tragedy and the people responsible for it.

Somehow all these emotions are kept inside me for I fear that if I let it all out, the fact that she’s really gone would finally sink in. And I am still not ready to let her go just yet. I am in denial so as every person close to her.

Everyday I would look at her and try to make myself believe that she’s actually gone but to no avail.

And in this last night that we will be with her physically, I still find it difficult to grasp the reality that she is actually gone.

17th of March, 2:00am

Two weeks have passed since that tragic day.

I still find it hard to believe that she's gone. The pain in my heart is too much to bear. I just wanted to sleep and hope that when I wake up, this was all just a bad dream and that she's actually alive.

Easing the pain. Moving on.

When?

I have no idea.

All I know is that the pain I'm feeling is not getting any better.

In time, we will learn to live with the pain and face the changes in our lives after this tragic end of Nang Inday's life. In God's time, it won't feel this bad.

Nang Inday, my prayers are always with you.

May you rest in peace.

<3>

Long, Long Ago

"Tell me the tales that to me were so dear,
Long, long ago, long, long ago,
Sing me the songs I delighted to hear,
Long, long ago, long ago..."


I used to have piano lessons when I was a kid. I never wanted to. I'd rather play with my kid neighbors than go to Ormoc everyday for the whole summer and be scared to death with our mole-faced, petite piano teacher. I didn't really pay enough attention to her. She was always with a wooden ruler ready to strike our small, frail fingers everytime we commit a mistake. I remember one of my first practice lessons. She placed me in the room next to where she used to hold her lessons. I forgot all she taught me, So I did a nasty imitation of pianists I saw on TV. And then I saw her tiny figure in my door frame. I stopped.

And then she sat me on her piano, and taught me again. As I was playing the first piece in my Kinder Piano book, in my mind I was like, "Ah... In-ani ra diay."

That's what I got from not paying attention. And a disturbing memory of the haunted piano house in Lopez Jaena St.

From then on, I tried to pay attention to her and practiced my lessons before and after my sessions with her. And then my parents decided to continue my lessons after summer is over. I was in Prep that time. Maybe she's one of the factors that caused my inferiority complex. ha-ha

http://www.contemplator.com/england/longago.html

"And suddenly there appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard someone whisper, “please, adore me”
And when i looked my moon had turned to gold."

I learned this piano piece from a public school teacher (who used to be a "maharlika") . She taught me this one summer day when I was Korkie's "yaya". She'd just given birth that time. I remember her blouse being wet from all the milk from her breasts. It was kinda gross. But she had an extensive collection of piano books. We also used the same books we had in OC. But the pieces she taught me are far more interesting and funner to play. My mother already gave me a piano for my 10th birthday. And that's what we used.

After all the piano lessons I had in my life, I still couldn't bring myself to completely love it. It was more like school for me than something I am passionate about. It was just something I do during summer and lunch breaks. Something that made me stand out from the rest of the children in our barangay and in my class (some of my classmates started later in grade school). But I never loved it. Or appreciated it enough. Months would passed me without touching my piano. It was one of those things in my life that I took for granted. There was a time in my life when I just wanted to get rid of it. I asked my friends if they knew someone who wanted to buy a piano. But then I realized it signifies someone important to me. And It dawned on me, I don't want it gone. It was one of the legacies that Tatay Omy left us. Precious memories that I couldn't bring myself to forget. Memories of cuddly stuff toys. Of chocolates. Of bonding moments. Of teasing. Of dancing "Pearly shells" and boogie. Of wealth and abundance. Of a great life that has passed.

I've never thought that I'd lose what I used to have. Things were much simpler when we were young. When the most difficult decision I had to make was choosing which two toys I wanted for my birthday. When all I did was go to school and play and swim. When I wasn't aware of the world's greatest problems of poverty and hunger.

i hate goodbyes

We gave our favorite priest, my Kuya Father a despedida party last tuesday, 29th of July. He was late, of course, because he went to Ormoc to run some things. He arrived and then we started to eat. He kept asking me to pour water in his glass. He was sick actually. He doesnt even have his voice. hehe
Members of the Tulda gave thank-u and will-miss-you speeches. His mom, Tita Norma and my mother said a few things too. I thought I wouldnt be asked to give him one but Ate Harl shouted my name. GRRRRR! ANyway I gave my speech, I secretly prepared one for fear of being dumbstruck in front of everyone.
It started with a Good evening. And then I told them about how I got pissed and jealous everytime my mother calls me and talks about him or lets me talk to him. The few months that he was here in albuera, he instantly became a special part of their lives. I, ofcourse, got even more pissed. I went on and on.. I told them I never wanted to get close with priests because its not normal for me. they misinterpreted as Kuya Father not normal. hehe everybody laughed. Theyve been laughing evrsince i took hld of the fuckin mic. because Kuya Father never seemed to run out of words to tease me: siaw na manghud, pasaway, maldita.. et cetera. Tita Norma would even make kumot his mouth.. HA-HA! And then I got to the part when I told him that I owe him a lot for being their with my Mother and father when MY brothers and I weren't around. That he filled a space in my mother's being that neither me nor my brothers could ever fill. And almost everyone cried. I was crying when I said that. I never wanted to cry coz I am freakin ugly when I do. hehe
After the speech, He placed the bac of his hand on my forehead, and tease me once more. Im sure gonna miss my Kuya Father.
Then It was time for him to say goodbye. He pinched and it felt like the last time he'd ever will.
He walked out our house without even saying goodbye. He just left.
just like that.
I know it not easy for him to leave us. And its certainly not easy for us either. ITs harder to be the one who gets to be left behind. trust me.
WE went to his new place the morning after. we were late. but better late than never right?
I asked him if we could have our poicture taken and he said yes saying that I might get jealous again.. he kept teasing me and the pic turned out good for me and not for him. he was looking at me, teasing me. and it was caught on cam. hmmmm. he never stops teasing me.
and then we left after a few minutes.

i hate goodbyes