Candle in the Wind

11^th of March 2011

Eight days have passed.

Eight painful days since we heard news so tragic it left us crippled until now.

Tragedies always catch us unaware, always unexpected and always painful.

I still could not put into writing the deep loss I feel upon losing someone so dear to me. Yes, I am just her cousin but the bond we had is beyond that description. She was my guardian, my sister. She sacrificed years of her life for me, being my guardian, which she did not sign up for yet she took care of me without complaints. She was always there when no one ever did.

My words could not justify the goodness, the happiness she had shared and given to each of us. What saddens me is the thought that I was not even able to thank her for everything that she had done for me thinking that she would be around far longer than she did.

It breaks my heart every single day the realization that hers was a very frightening and painful death. The thought of the fear she felt the first time she heard that gunshot and realized that it was aimed at the car she was driving. The pain she felt as the first gunshot tore through her flesh. And the next, and the next till she felt no more pain. What were her last thoughts? Was she able to cry out for help? These are only a few of the things that boggle my mind since that incident. I could not comprehend the sadness, the pain and the anger I feel toward this tragedy and the people responsible for it.

Somehow all these emotions are kept inside me for I fear that if I let it all out, the fact that she’s really gone would finally sink in. And I am still not ready to let her go just yet. I am in denial so as every person close to her.

Everyday I would look at her and try to make myself believe that she’s actually gone but to no avail.

And in this last night that we will be with her physically, I still find it difficult to grasp the reality that she is actually gone.

17th of March, 2:00am

Two weeks have passed since that tragic day.

I still find it hard to believe that she's gone. The pain in my heart is too much to bear. I just wanted to sleep and hope that when I wake up, this was all just a bad dream and that she's actually alive.

Easing the pain. Moving on.

When?

I have no idea.

All I know is that the pain I'm feeling is not getting any better.

In time, we will learn to live with the pain and face the changes in our lives after this tragic end of Nang Inday's life. In God's time, it won't feel this bad.

Nang Inday, my prayers are always with you.

May you rest in peace.

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