One Fateful December night. One Romantic January Morning. One Tragic February Dawn. One Heartbreaking March Afternoon

What commenced after the White Party 2010?

I need to make lifestyle changes. And it starts with my bed time. I have to sleep a few hours early than my usual bedtime since October.

Now that he found his way out of my life, would things go back to normal?

Normal.

What a funny word.

"Back to the way things were."

Which got me to thinking, how things were before the madness got out of hand?

Things were okay between that kiss and the White Party. I could still sleep peacefully at night. Days would go by without me thinking of him.

But what started after that?

I have always told myself that I woul not fall in love with him. But Eric, my personal "Madam Auring" told me I would. I was so sure I wouldn't until I realized I was, one fateful December night. Mind you, I was not jumping up and down with joy. Instead, I cried.

I knew right at that moment that I was in for a broken heart.

But just like any other girl that's struck with the power of La-la-Love, I was still capable of thinking rationally but I did not make full use of it. I was happy, who cared if it was wrong?

You know that song by Meatloaf, I'd do anything for love?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X_ViIPA-Gc

Oh yes, I did.

But I did not do that.

What, exactly?

Step on my pride. I won't do that.

I'm not sure what self-preservation really means. But I think that's what I'm doing.

I don't like rejection. I don't like being helpless and hopeless. I don't like being in a compromising situation. I don't like pain. I have zero to low pain tolerance.

I've stretched myself beyond my limit. I am a fool for love, I have always been. Every time I fall in love, I would hope that it would be the last that I would. When I feel so sure about how I feel, I would take the risks.

But falling in love with him has different risks and consequences. I'm not sure what we were, what we had or still have? Were we MU? Fling? Char-char?

I don't know what category I should put us in. But why should I worry about the type of relationship we had when it already ended? Well, at least I think it did. He's not texting me anymore. And when I hit him up on Fb, he'd go cold on me. Did I tell you I hate rejections? Oh, I did?

Yeah, I did.

Right now, I just want to be with him. I want to matter to him. I want him to tell me that he feels the same way, that I'm worth the risk. I want him to be more than what he was to me. I want to be more than just that girl to him. I want to be his world.

But I don't have the guts to tell him that and he's gone cold on me.

Maybe, he was not serious after all. Maybe, he was just playing around.

I love him.

But there's a breaking point.

And that was when I learned a lot of things about the other girl/s. When I saw photos and comments, it broke my heart into a million pieces.

A friend once told me to:

But it's the thing that keeps me going. It's like everytime I read or see something, it breaks my heart but it moves me closer to moving on.

I am a masokista at heart.

I played around because he was playing around. In the end, I learned that if I fight fire with fire I would still end up getting burned. What's sad about this whole madness is that, I got played, I got hurt, but in the end I still love him and I want him in my life.

Even if he doesn't want to be in mine anymore.