Is there no getting over you?

Last night, i finally mustered the courage to erase all his messages. it had been easy. I had more than a hundred messages from him. it took me a long while to get rid of them. But i did. I deleted one message at a time reading it before hitting the delete button and assessing myself, my mind, and of course, my heart whether I would feel something, anything. I felt blah. i was expecting something painful, the crying-in-the-shower kind of pain. but i did not. the only thing that was keeping me awake @ three in the morning was the tall glass of La Dolce Vita I had at Mocha Blends. Note to self, no more caffeinated drinks before 12 midnight.

The day could have been perfect. Until he chatted and we ended up talking about last saturday. I will not disclose the details here. I am not sure about how i feel right now. basta I feel pain. im not even sure if its butterflies or heartache. haha bayota na jd kaau nako ui.

i cannot wait for the day na i won't feel anything for you.

as for now, the possibility of getting over you is bleak.

In Love

Ever since I could remember, I have been a flower girl in our relative's and family friends' weddings. I used to hate being in those itchy, frilly flower girl dresses. Believe it or not, I even dread the pictorial at the end of every wedding. What could I do, I was an ugly kid.

Then I grew up into this hopeless romantic high school girl with dreams of meeting her prince, falling in love and living happily ever after. I used to have this notebook with all the plans of my dream wedding, from the gown to the wedding souvenirs to the wedding songs. I used to spend days just sketching wedding dresses and racking my brains out for wedding ideas.

I used to fantasize about a romantic wedding, even without a groom in the picture. I planned to get married at 23. Funny. You see, I am a week shy of being 24. Could it be possible for me to find that man of my dreams, have a whirlwind romance and get married before midnight of the 25th?

No?

That's what I thought.

Many years have passed since that plan had been made, I have endured a couple or more heartbreaks and I have seen a few glimpse of life that made me think of trying to enjoy and live my life as a single woman, to go out and see the world.

And enjoy I did.

But you see, when you have noone to call your own, there are days when you just wish you do. Especially when you have so much love to give and been single for the longest time.

All I ever wanted was to have that man, that man that would take me as I am, bad skin, crooked teeth, thick body and all, and still treat me as his princess. Is that too much to ask?

I woke up today feeling a bit blah. I went downstairs and chanced upon this wedding magazine. As usual, I have nothing better to do. I sat down, grabbed it and started reading from cover to cover.

Tears started welling up in my eyes.

Reading every wedding story after another just made me cry some more. These women have been so lucky to have found the missing piece of their puzzle. I can not quite fathom the emotions I felt while reading the magazine. I am not in a hurry to fall in love and get married. However, I can not wait to meet someone that would make my heart beat faster and just make me smile just by the thought of him. Having my heart broken a few times did nothing to my being a hopeless romantic. I still believe that someday, I would find that love that would make all those heartaches worthwhile.

You might wonder why I chose the title above.

I am in love.

In love with the idea of weddings.

My wedding preference have changed over the years. I used to want it to be so grand, like a princess' wedding. I realized now that I've grown into this still hopeless romantic school girl trapped in a 20-something body that there are a lot of things that matter more than those expensive imported flowers, fifty thousand-something wedding gown, that dream-like reception or having Jason Magbanua as my videographer. Sometimes all that matters is having that one person that you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

It is that simple, right? Choosing to be with someone who feels the same way as you are.

Simple yet so complicated.

Man of my dreams, man up and sweep me off my feet.

I will make things easy for you. It does not mean I am an easy girl. It only means that I know what I want and I will not make things difficult by playing hard to get and end up hurting and losing you. Haha

I think of you

Have you ever experienced being in bed in the wee hours, wide awake with your thoughts all over the place?

I could not remember the last time that did not happen to me because the past four months have been just that.

I guess that usually happens when someone becomes special to you.

I have been sleeping so late in the past months that I already forgot how good it feels to sleep early. But when I finally do, I guess I'd be over him na. Would I want that, for him to be out of my life? Is that what I really want?

I am not so sure.

You see, I've been crazy the past months. ha-ha. Crazy is an understatement, I tell you.

It's not so much as ignoring but I've been pretending that I don't care anymore when I actually do. And every night, he's all I think about. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks about me as much as I do. I know that I cross his mind, but how often? haha Crazy, right?

Liking someone did not require that someone to fall for me. haha Right?

But what if he made me fall for him? With all his sweet words, stolen kisses, and those eyes?

And even if I now know that he's just playing me, I still come back running to him every single time that we're together? I am so sick of eating my own words. When will I gather the courage to let him go?

Because when I am not with him I can do it. But when I am with him, I seem not to care that he's got a couple or more girls that he's been texting, chatting or whatever.

And when I see something on Facebook, it just breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time.

When I see him, I can feel my heart reaching out to him. Seriously. I can feel myself wanting to feel him, to just make him hold me. Even just for a night.

I am breaking my rules, talking about it, my vulnerabilities.

I just was not sure if I could hold this in any longer.

I just need to get this out, the pain, the heartbreak, the tears.

I need to get rid of the tears to make me feel better.

Somehow crying makes me feel better.

It's like seeing the world with new eyes through a mantle of tears.

As I've read in twitter:

"A couple years from now, you won’t remember the pain. You’ll remember the memories."

Could I just fast forward to a couple of years from now?

Kissing a lot of Frogs

Just like every other woman, I dreamt of meeting the man who will sweep me off my feet, my prince charming, the man of my dreams, the man who will take me as I am, imperfections and all. The man who will accept my flaws, my mood swings, my lunacy, my worst side.

Maybe I haven't met him yet. Or maybe I have, I was just too busy kissing the wrong ones. And I hope it won't be too late for me to realize that.

Do I sound desperate? I hope not.

I was watching videos from Jason Magbanua's web site yesterday and seeing the brides' happiness radiate on their faces just made me go 'awwwww'. I want to look like that when I get married. Happy and satisfied.

Someday, I will. Get married and be happy just like the brides in the videos.

Someday, my time will come. I will wait for it. I will not rush into falling in love.

I will wait, even if it means I have to kiss a lot of frogs. I will. Maybe one of those frogs will turn into my prince, right?

And he will fill up the emptiness I have been feeling all these years.

To those who haven't found their prince yet, don't lose hope, because when you do, it will be the happiest day of your life. And to those who have, hold on to them, he may not be who you wanted but trust me, he's what you need in your life. And to those who are with the wrong ones, know your worth. Maybe it's time to let that frog go.

xoxo,

dee

I have a lot of frogs to kiss.

Single again on Valentines

Being single did not bother me until now with all the buzz about the much commercialized Valentine's Day.

I'm not even going to go there. Seriously.

My single friends and I planned this Pre-Vday lunch. And we will also have dinner together on the day itself.

Single Awareness Day.

Heart's day.

Too bad. My relationships didn't even last until Vday. And if it did, I never got to celebrate it due to some crappy reason.

Valentines does not have to be about romantic love. Perhaps it's about love, just love.

I don't have someone to call a boyfriend, I mean I have someone "special" but he does not see me that way, so screw him, I am going to celebrate this day with friends and family. They love me anyway.

xoxo,

dee

Expressing myself

I have always loved writing as much as reading books. My bestfriends and I used to flock to the school library and borrow as many books as we were allowed to. Most of us were members of the school paper. But no one really bothered to take up Journalism. And I guess I know why. We were coerced into being practical. (LOL)

In college, I resorted to blogging since I just don't have the time nor the inclination to join the school paper and besides, how fun it was to write for a paper that publishes only once a year. Hurray to School Journalism.

A few moons ago, I have been bored for the longest time, I read my past entries and boy was I surprised by what I have read. It made me realized that it may seem like nothing much has changed when in fact almost everything is not the same anymore. And some just made me laugh, especially the ones where I used to be a sort of Jejemon blogger. Ew, I know. But I have evolved. Thank you to the person who was my number one critic at that time. He taught me a lot of things and I couldn't be any more thankful. I wasn't that "taga-bukid" when it comes to blogging and texting anymore. Ha-ha.

examples:

• Musta na u?
• wer u?
• sleep na me
• eat na me
• basically the use of me and u in the above context.

Reading those blog posts just sends chills down my spine. Ha-ha

BLOGGING has always been my outlet when I am happy, sad, angry, excited, bored, in love, brokenhearted, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I don't care much about the grammar, the words I used, the length. All I care about is putting into words how I feel and somehow making myself feel better. And when I do, sometimes things just make sense to me.

But there are things I write that I don't want some people to read. Why do I even bother posting it then, you may ask? Because I don't really think people follow my notes or blogs aside from a few friends. And I don't write just for people to like or comment on it. I write for the sole reason of expressing myself. Some may think otherwise. But I don't care. As the old saying goes,

What others think about you is none of your business.

One of my bestfriends once asked me while we were Skype-ing, she said "Why don't you put tags on your notes?"

It took me a few seconds to answer (I think). And I even forgot my answer. I guess it just never occurred to me to make people read it.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I blog to express how I feel. It's my outlet. It's a risk to put almost everything out in the open. That's why I just put excerpts here and my full posts in my blog.

Maybe I should just stop here, right?

Haha, right.

I'm Loida, I'm an internet addict, I'm real. (Right, Eric?)

A few months back, I stopped blogging. I got what they call "writer's block".

I remember one night when Tintin and I were either chatting or texting about blogging. She urged me to write again. And in that instant, i wrote an entry worth posting. Irene and Tintin were my muses, still are.

Have I said Thank you to you guys? Well, THANK YOU!

And I know I will continue blogging. And I know my friends will continue reading my posts. My fans. HAHAHAHAHA.

I love you, LA!!!

An Adventure starts with a Goodbye

I went home over the weekend.

I just missed home so much. I missed my tatay and nanay. I missed my cousins and friends.

I just missed the solitary comfort my room gives.

Aside from missing everyone back home, I went home for another reason, to think about what I really want and what I should do about it.

And I did.

They said sometimes the right decision is also the hardest.

I guess it is. Sometimes.

When I know it's what I wanted all along. But I have to do it for me. I am being selfish. I love myself too much to inflict unnecessary pain. And I just know myself too much too.

I have made a lot of mistakes. I wish some I never did. But I learned a lot from them. Well, atleast I am trying to. And I just wished people don't condemn me for it. Afterall, everybody makes mistakes.

My friends have different views on this(my mistakes). Maybe that's the reason of my bipolarity.

But I am glad I have them. They maybe crazy but it's with them I know I am perfectly sane, that everything that I'm going through right now is normal. And that no matter what happens, no matter where life takes us, I know, I just know that I can always count on them and they would never fail to put a smile on my face.

Sometimes friends don't have to ask if something's wrong, they just know. And sometimes I don't want to say anything. Not because I want them to care but because it feels better not to. It's not that keeping all this to myself does me good, it doesn't. It's eating me up inside. But I just don't want to talk about it. Sometimes it's better for some things to be left unsaid. Maybe then it would die a natural death, just like everything else in this world. Or be forgotten.

I have lived long enough in this world to witness and experience a lot of things. I realized that it's a crazy, scary and cruel world out there. But it is beautiful and kind too. I have yet a lot to learn, new things to experience, new places to see, new people to meet.

My journey has started long before but my adventure has just begun.

I will continue making mistakes.

Someone once said that we have to experience things, to make our own mistakes to learn.

I will live my life the way I want to. And I will start cleaning it out.

I read this tweet once and it kind of stuck to me. Not only because it's funny but it's true too.

These aren't exactly the same words but it's in the same context.

"I have to make a few changes in my life and if you won't hear from me, you're one of them."

If you're brave enough to say goodbye, Life will reward you with a "new" hello.