Solitary Confinement

Dec. 24, 2010

7pm

In my room

"Solitary confinement"

I chose to isolate myself from everyone else for a few minutes. It's not because I am on a verge of a drama explosion but because that's what I feel that I need right now.

I just need to be with myself: mind, heart and body. To actually really think things through.

Emotional roller coaster.

I've been in the most twisted and sickening emotional roller coaster ride the past couple of months. It all started with the "que sera, sera" and the go-with-the-flow mantra I have.

It all started with a little challenge that I gave myself last Albuera Fiesta. I won. But looking at where things are right now, looks like I am losing.

Losing my sense of reason, myself, my sanity, and most of all, my heart.

I must say it's nobody's fault. Not his. Not mine.

Every thing we did was all a reaction.

Well, at least I'd like to think it that way. There's no room for regrets in my life. There are things that I know I should regret but I chose not to. These mistakes have brought along lessons that I know would teach me something.

And I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now but eventually, I would. And by then, I would understand why.

I once read this quote and it stuck to me:

"I make mistakes but mistakes are sometimes what make life, LIFE."

In my entire life, I've made a lot of mistakes. I used to regret it all. Then I later realized that these made me wiser, stronger and more careful. As I've said before, regretting won't take back what I did. But acknowledging the mistake helps me learn. That's what's important. We have to make mistakes in order for us to learn.

Signs.

We all ask God for signs.

If we could pass the board exams. If we should choose something over another, or someone over somebody. Or if the person we like or love feels the same way we do.

And God, ever the joker, would sometimes give us the vaguest of signs, or the thing we ask for followed by events that'd make us think otherwise.

Leaving us confused as ever.

I've been thinking of what signs to ask God. I couldn't think of any. Sometimes everything just get so messed up. So screw the signs. I'm done.

Maybe it's time to face the music. REALITY.

It's all in my head.

Maybe I just misinterpreted everything. Maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe he just wants to get in my pants. Maybe, just maybe I just fall too easily. Too quick to believe every bullshit that comes out of his mouth.

"Maybe it isn't love. Maybe it's a sudden feeling. A sudden feeling and I just overreacted."

Working things out.

Just because some things didn't work out doesn't mean relationships must end. Sometimes we just have to put aside unreciprocated feelings. It may hurt a lot, it may not hurt at all. But it's nicer to save friendships over broken hearts. We have to keep in mind that we were friends first before anything else. And in this case, he didn't make me hope. It was all my doing. What's the point of anger if the person doesn't even deserve it, right?

My favorite mistake.

Of all my mistakes, you are definitely my favorite. Because having you, being with you has made me happy more than anyone ever did. And having you has made me feel a lot of emotions more than anyone ever did. Emotions that are sometimes extreme. I never felt unstable and insecure with anyone else but you.

Choices and making decisions.

Life is sometimes all about making them.

HANGING ON.

HOLDING BACK.

LETTING GO.

MOVING ON.

2010 has almost reached its end.

What and who should I take with me to the new year, what and who am I going to leave behind?

We'll see.

Life is, after-all a daring adventure.

For now, I just want to enjoy what's left of the holidays. Hopefully, drama-free.