mylot

Saturday, December 31, 2011

We're gonna party like it's 2012!!!

Before anything else, I would like to greet my followers, all 4 and the anonymous ones, the curious, the bored and the intrigued, my friends, my families, my neighbors, and everyone else who happen to stumble upon this humble blog of mine a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

What a year 2011 has been. At some points it felt like the end for me. Bad things happened, wrong choices and decisions were made, places were traveled, regrets were made-- but these did not make 2011 a bad year but a challenging one. Sufferings, pains, misery, despair, grief, loss are just part of the package, just like love, happiness, pleasure, among other things. We always have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. This is just how things work in this very complex world we call home. Just like how regret is always at the end of the experience which I believe makes the lesson even more valuable.

What are the things I loved most about 2011?

  • For the first time in years, we had a short photoshoot for family portraits last January during our Sinulog Celebration. 
What a palpak picture right? bwahaha i had cough. so sue me.
  • My high school barkada which we proudly call the LOIDA'S ANGELS celebrated Valentines together and we welcomed 2 new members, Eric and Lorina.
We had lunch at Pino Restaurant in Lahug, Cebu City

Welcoming two new additions to our family, Eric and Lorina!
  • I got to celebrate my birthday thrice this year: with College friends, Guada Family and the LA.
My prebday celebration with College friends at 10 Dove St.

My birthday dinner at Banana Leaf with my Guada Family.

My Post birthday Celebration with my high school friends at Zao and Bryz Bar.
  • My college Bff gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last March.
Meet Riley Dione, she's nine months now.
  • I got to travel back to Boracay with my brother and his family. Every trip is a different experience.
After riding the Flycat, I mean, Catfish. Oh it's Flyfish. bwahaha
  • Also last April, my high school batch mates and I had a mini reunion in Soob Mountain Resort in Albuera.
SPC Batch 2004
  • Last May, I was lucky enough to go to Bangkok, Thailand with my parents, my brother's family and his in-laws.
At the Grand Palace on our last day.
  • Last June, my nephew Korky and his mom went home for the summer. It had been over 4 years since my brother saw his son. It was heart-warming.
We cried when they saw each other for the first time in four years.

  • My cousin got engaged last September and we were required to dance. 
My cousins, nieces and nephew wearing our costumes. 
  • My cousin gave birth to her second daughter, Gabrielle Elizabeth last October.
It's amazing how someone this tiny could make you learn how to love unconditionally.
  • Gayle, Mikko and I went to CDO and Camiguin for a short break. We learned a lot of lessons during this trip.
White Water Rafting in CDO.

After a morning swim in White Island, Camiguin.
  • Gabb was baptized last December and we invited our Leyte family and they came to Cebu to take part in such a very memorable event.
On their last day in Cebu.

Unsa pa ba?

  • Na-inlove, Nasakitan.
  • Moved on.
  • Tweet/Facebook stats misunderstanding.
  • Offically afraid of commitment.
  • I got admitted sa last few days of the year.
  • Became an impromptu host in parties.
  • I got to slap to men in one night.
I met a lot of people this year and of course, I also lost a few people. Eventhough I lost few significant people this year, there are replacements man sad. We have new babies and nothing is sweeter than these creatures. 2011 will end in less than 2 hours. It's already January 1, 2012 in Sydney, Australia. 2012, they said it's gonna be the end of the world. Ready namu? We have to be because we really can't afford to be in the million dollar ark they built in the movie. The poor always dies first. haha just kidding. 2012 na. I'm gonna be 25 in a couple of months. 25 and I still haven't achieved my goals. Haay what a disappointment.



Now that's over and done with, should I proceed with the ones I hate or wish didn't happen? For those who know me know what have happened to my family the past year. It's heartbreaking and sad and there were nights when I wish that I could change the way things were. But life moves forward, not back. There's just no rewinds and all we have to do is to make things right, do what makes us happy and live each day like there's no tomorrow. 

Let's just let the past stay in the past. Life is meant to be lived in the present. There's nothing left to do but do our best and hope for a better outcome the next day.

But I will forever remain hopeful. I will continue to love life no matter how many problems, trials whatsoever it throws at me. I will continue to be positive. 

To the people who never left me this year, thank you so much. You're constant support has been my constant source of strength. Without you, living would be the most difficult thing ever in this world. Let's make 2012 better than this year, okay? Lezgo make memories!!!

Let's welcome New year with a happy heart and a clean mind!

May your New Year be as wonderful as the last!

May God bless us all!

xoxo,
dee








Friday, December 30, 2011

Walang karapatan ang mga dukhang tulad ko.


12.30.11 in my room
“You think you just want to die, when in reality, you just want to be saved.”
I am not suicidal. But sometimes, when facing a bajillion of problems, a combination of personal, health and financial, dying and death seem like the best way to go. It’s the coward’s way out. It’s not so much as you couldn’t take the problems anymore but I think it’s more of not having the courage to face whatever tomorrow brings. Maybe so, because of not having enough hope. Hopeless na jud. If you are poor and you have cancer, death seems like the most appropriate solution rather than be buried in a gazillion of pesos in debt because in truth, tramadol, nubain and morphine could only last so long.
As for me, I have been a PT for over a year now waiting for this something to actually take place, that sometimes I feel like the female version of Juan Tamad, just waiting for that damn guava to fall. Of course, I know that that damn guava will never ever fall until I pick it off the damn tree. The thing about being a professional tambay is that, I have no income whatsoever. Mothers, Mothers-to-be, do me the greatest favor and teach your children how to be kuripot or at least the basics of saving moolah. I do not have any concept of Saving 101 whatsoever. Yes, ako na ang pinakawalay kwenta na babae sa balat ng lupa. Seriously, I am very much ashamed of my lack of saving skills. But to at least give myself some credit, I am not a one-day millionaire. I try to keep my money where it is for longer than a month. But there are just some things that a person like me can’t live without.
I am currently in a state of war with my gallbladder, which has been terrorizing me sporadically over a year now. I want it evicted. So now, I am scheduled to have a surgery that will remove it inside me. Here’s the big BUT. I wish I could go bigger than that but oh well. BUT, we are poor. We don’t have money to pay for my surgery. We are accepting donations now. Mwahaha
“Ako po’y nanawagan sa mga taong may malalambot na puso na kami po ay handogan nang tulong pinansyal para sa aking nalalapit na operasyon. Maraming-maraming salamat po.”
You may be wondering why my English is sort of good. Well, it did not start this good. Mwahaha You should read my grade 4 essays about Snow White and all those lucky women who snatched all the handsome princes. At the end of my articles, you would be left with the question: Did she? Or didn’t she? Or was it he?
Kani laging mga buot-buoton na mga bata. Magpataka lang ug English.
Oh yes I am off topic once again. I was able to study in a private school in the City which was basically one of the cheapest compared to the schools in the big, big cities in this big, big world. Our tuition fee was like Php450/month when I was in grade 6. It did not exceed Php750. And pwede pang mag-promisory note for 3months. Oh diba, private school. Mwahahaha
So yes, my parents could afford to send my brothers and me to school however, they already graduated college when I started school so the expenses were not tambak together. But now tragedies have struck us this year and the years passed that we are currently in Broke State so as most of the people in our place. Imagine, even buying rice was like swimming upstream in the rapids. EFFORT.
EFFORT to the max.
Then here I am with my gallbladder problem. BITTER ang life ko. Ang paet. Gallbladder nga, ang paet.
Then I would feel like regretting some life choices. But then does it help pay the hospital bills? The anesthesiologist? The Surgeon?
I really feel like giving myself a good kicking until I breathe no more.

This is just an expression. “Maypa mamatay na lang ko kaysa malubong sa utang ug sa utang kabubut-on.“
But I really believe that I could do great things, IN GOD’S TIME. Sometimes his time is way different than us. And we cannot be patient enough. Gusto natoh always NOW nah!
But we really have to make a lot of sacrifices in order for us to attain these great things.
Sometimes I wonder since I have never been lucky in the love department, that maybe I should just sacrifice that. AHhhhh screw love life. Let’s go marry the next dying rich man from La la land. You see they have been urging me to do just that (marry someone not like us. LOL.) Since high school. A few people in the Philippines really put foreigners in a pedestal. They’re considered the savior and the Pinay the Heroine. Saving them from the financial quicksand. Then there I was, fresh from a broken heart, still mesmerized by Happily Ever After, brainwashed by all those novels, movies and fairytales, still wanted to find that one man that will sweep me off my calloused feet, I would tell them to go to hell and I will not sacrifice anymore because I studied this and that blah blah blah. Now where did my Bachelor’s degree take me and the rest of my batch? To Tambayhood and call centers. (No offense to the call center agents. This is reality my friends. We studied to be medical people but there’s just no room for us here in the Pelepens anymore.) Things, thoughts, feelings and perspectives really do change over time. I want to work, any work will do. I could be a janitress. But I am not good in cleaning. I could be a stewardess but I am not blessed with the right body type and I am vertically challenged. Mag-yaya na lang jud ko ani.
Mommies? Anyone? I’m cheap. Just feed me and give me a place to sleep in. I’m all-good, really. I don’t even complain.
Now back to the matter at hand, my gallbladder. I wish you would just sublimate saving my family and I the financial burden you would surely bestow upon us.
We’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha
And, to those who are also in the same state as we are, moral support is also needed. I need someone to watch me while still lethargic and groggy, I don’t want to fall off the bed. To my would-be visitors, visit me a couple of days after my surgery when I am not under anesthesia anymore. I need to see your faces vividly because I will forever consider that as debt of gratitude. I don’t forget the people who helped, are helping and will be helping me. Even the briefest of visits so long as it’s sincere will always be appreciated. Watch out mo pag makasurvive ko ani na surgery and madato nako, sus, tagaan ta jud mo ug 1 bar of Dove, 1 bar of chocolate and one towel/t-shirt/cap.
And to those people whose shadows I won’t see, make sure I won’t ever see you A-GEN. You will be forgotten and ignored. No excuses, no nothings. I would rather you weather the heavy rain and flood just to see me than not see me because you want to drink and be merry. No fair-weathered friends allowed. I have a lot of those. God will take care of you. I don’t require anyone to bring food because I won’t be able to eat it anyway; your presence is what I desire the most. The people I know who would stick by me is far away so I understand and you have expressed whatever it is you wanted already. I understand. Ako pa, I was trained well to understand, to feel, and to try to step into other people’s shoes. And to those who have expressed their worries, well-wishes and concerns through calls, texts, tweets and private messages: I APPRECIATE YOU ALL. It’s nice to know that people still do care about other people other than themselves. KUDOS!  And to those who have sacrificed and will sacrifice their time to stay with me in the hospital, I owe you a lot. I will never ever forget that. And to those who did not even ask if I’m still alive, oh well.
I trust my surgeons well enough to wear panties. BWAHAHAHAHA
Again, we’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha.

On a serious note:
Please do pray for my successful operation and speedy recovery and that no complications whatsoever would arise pre-op, intra-op and post-op and that God would bless us with even more blessings and less tragedies come 2012.
Good vibes!
May God bless us all with what we deserve and need.

What do guys think of my unibrow? bwahahaha Reminds me of that blonde girl in Hey, Arnold! I hope you finished reading my post laughing.
Good night y'all.

Admitted.


12.31.11 Room 210
It’s really true that the best ideas and the best choices/decisions occur and are made in the bathroom. A few minutes ago, while I was washing the plate I used for dinner something occurred to me. And at the same time, I realized that it was rather out of desperation that that thing even dare occur inside my head.
**This is my first time to be admitted in the hospital. Imagine my anxiety when it comes to needles being inserted into my skin. Yes, I am a nurse but it doesn’t mean that I am immune to irrational fears of needles and the like. But, my first time didn’t mean traumatic experience. Neither IV insertion nor blood extraction hurt. Even the antibiotic administration, which I thought was a bit painful, didn’t. I was a bit groggy from my IV antibiotic. I was drifting from consciousness to unconsciousness and was in between mild to moderate pain, which was a long way from what I had experienced a few hours back. And the pain reliever did not totally alleviate the pain. There was no comfortable position and I had been on supine position for hours. I was the least of a talker the whole day yesterday. No amount of back rub or any diversional activity could ever relieve me of my pain.
**This pain attack could have occurred at a better time, just enough for it to heal. Haay naku. I have something important to do back in Cebu and we really don’t need something else to put our nonexistent money into. Seriously, this confinement and impending operation is really not part of out 6-month plan. This is like at the top of my never-ending debt to society. I better look for that wealthy man who’s willing to pay for all of my utang. Haha
**My admission outfit is my father’s loose white t-shirt and my ratty old leggings. What can I say, I was in pain yesterday and this was all I could get my hands on with what’s left of my strength. Nakakahiya. Seriously. Imagine my embarrassment when I saw the holes in my leggings. Bwahaha. Another thing, performing daily routines is made really difficult with IVF. I thought taking a bath was easy breezy. NOT. Even taking off my leggings and panties was like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. EFFORT kaayo. Plus the horror stories you hear in hospitals. GAWD. Which makes going to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee the most challenging of all. White walls, white tiles and gray-ish lighting are the perfect elements of a horror film. I could just imagine someone lurking behind the shower curtains. Mwahahaha.
**So on my last night, I was bored and what else could we do? We transformed ourselves to Betty la Fea-ish creatures. Bwahahaha. Unibrows, anyone?
Wala nako’y masulti pa. Me already! Pinakawala’y kwenta na na-admit sa hospital. Hahaha Hinilak before gi-hookan ug IV ug  pagdecide na magpa-opera. Me already! Ako na! AKo na jud!



Sunday, December 18, 2011

I am more than grateful

Gone were the days when I used to raise hell when I didn't have new clothes, new shoes, new bags, new gadgets, new everything. I have come to terms with not having anything new once in awhile. I don't know how this enlightenment (or so I call it) occured.

All I know is that I am even more humbled thinking about what is happening in Mindanao and here I was living just above the comforts of everyday life (sans money) and in a way, worrying about what I should wear to the parties I'm going to attend.At one point, it did not seem right at all.

It's perfectly normal for us, humans to want things. We are insatiable beings, after all. But it also won't hurt a lot if we stop what we're doing for a moment and look at what's happening to our fellow Filipinos. If only I could do anything to ease their sufferings, I would. It's times like these that I wish I have a better job, more wealth-- just so I could help them.

Last night, before I succumbed to sleep, I prayed to God to keep us from harm's way. Not because I don't want to lose whatever's left of my gadgets, documents or any prized possessions. But because I can't bear to see people suffer. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be strong for yourself. But it takes more than that to be strong for everybody else.

And it also takes a little compassion and sensitivity to try and help.

At this point in time, I'm not even sure if prayer is enough. But I'm choosing to believe that it is more than enough. Situations, may it be good or bad, planned or surprising, are God's way of sending us a message. For us, hundreds, thousands of death is just not right, especially seeing kids' lifeless bodies. And we can not deny the fact that sometime while this tragedy is happening and as the number of deaths rise, we ask Him why this has to happen.

They said that things happen to build our characters, to give us insights-- in other words, something good always comes out of the bad, even the worst.

I choose to believe that there is something good that would come out of this tragic event. It may be impossible at this point to even think of something that is at least comforting to those who have lost a lot at this time of year. But I believe that there will come a time when all these would become clear to everyone.

Questioning, doubting and even becoming angry is unavoidable. But let's also keep in mind that in spite of the loss, we are still alive. The least we could do for those who have gone ahead is to pray for their souls.

And also to live. To appreciate that we are given another chance at life and we should make it right.

People have just lost their homes, their families, their lives. With that, some also lost their hope, their faith, their joy.

And here we are.

It's a big leap from where they are placed in the order of things.

And we considered ourselves unlucky for not having the best of everything.

Life is after all a matter of perspective.

I am lucky to be alive and be surrounded by the people I love and in spite of the tragedies my family faced this year, we are still living comfortably, at the very least.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember December


My family came here in Cebu to attend Gabbie's baptism. We toured them around the city and let them experience some of the things we do here. One thing they were excited about was going to Rainforest Park Cebu. An activity park which my college friend and her family owns. They really had a great time and I'm glad we brought them there. I took clips of the different activity but I was not able to get everything on video since I was the only one taking the shots. But this is enough to document that fun night.

Enjoy the video guys!
I will be posting some clips from Gabbie's baptism. I am still looking for the perfect song.

xoxo,
dee

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A plethora of thoughts and feelings

Sort of.

Inhaling the cold Cebuano air.
hmmmm.
It may not be the cleanest as of the moment but it sure does make me feel something I thought I won't feel. 
Christmas Spirit.
We went to Starbucks at Club Ultima and as usual or as long as I could remember, it's almost always packed. Oh how I missed hanging out at cafes. There's something about these places that I love. It makes me feel calm and it brings out another side of me. I love observing other people. Not panghimantay, mind you, but observing, how they do life. Or their habits. It's like watching a reality tv show unfolding. 
Anyway, naa ko'y feeling na wala na sad ni kwenta na post but oh well. Padayon.

Germaine had her first communion yesterday. I don't quite remember mine. Just bits and pieces. I think tapad gihapon mi ni Irene and Jessica ato. I'm not quite sure. Maka-remember ko naa'y isa ka song na naa'y actions then I would hit them intentionally. haha. Lageh, joker na jud ko, sa una pa. haha pero pikon pa ko atoh na time. Mao bitaw gi-anggaan kog Tigre/Tiger sa una sa amo mga silingan. Kaila mog saputon ug temper tantrum? Murag ako gapa-uso ana sa una. haha 

At a young age, I never took it as a joke. I knew and I am aware of the seriousness of this "celebration". I think because I studied in a Catholic school and our teachers pretty much told us every chance they got that we should not take this lightly. And they're right. The communion is sacred and it's something to be respected.
A few weeks back, I could see that she was really excited for her first communion and when the day finally came, I felt like a mother whose child is graduating college. Haha I get so emotional when it comes to things like these: communion, graduation, recitals, etc. Haaay naku, pida jud ning mga Pisces, sobra ka OVER ang emotions. Or basin tungod kay I'm PMS-ing.

I made a video out of the clips I took yesterday. I'm no James Cameron or Steven Spielberg. I'm just a girl trying to make something memorable for the next generation. I think this matters more than any material thing. This lasts longer than any Barbie Doll. haha Or maybe I'm just broke. Boo. It's still uploading on YouTube. 

Anyway, I've been looking at cheap video cameras online because I really want to make videos of anything and everything. It's more fun to edit videos than still photos. Bitaw, nauwat ko. I'm planning to shoot a video with my cousins this weekend. I can't wait! Even Germaine is excited to shoot one. I hope we'd push through with it. 
Internet sucks tonight. Kung hinay na kaayo ang bao mukamang, labaw pa ning internet. Mas hinay pa's snail. Makaliki! I've been trying to upload the video since 5pm. Atleast karon it's 90%. I hope I won't get disconnected. DMD na.
YES! It's processing! Na-feel nako na ni-open ang langit daun naay special lighting na gipatungod nako karon! haha OA jud. Oa na. Maraming Oa na jud. I'll include the link here or the video itself, don't judge. haha SO it's done but it's muted since the songs I used are copyrighted. Boo. Now it's like watching a silent movie minus Charlie Chaplin. 
Kana ganing feeling na ready na tanan imo gamit then wala diay kay kuyog sa outing? KANA. Mao na ako na-feel karon.
good vibes.. good vibes.. good vibes.. 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2.......1!
I'm calm now.
Here is the link of the video. Vimeo, such a lifesaver! 
On the lighter side of things.
More than a couple of months ago, an angel came into our lives. And most of you know her. She's Gabbie and even before she was born, I knew that she would become special to me. I am in love with this girl just like I fell in love with Germaine. Gi-feel jud nako na siya amo own Renesmee, so cute and and smart for her age (in bisaya, DAKUG BUOT.) just like her Ate Germs. We went out to have dinner somewhere fancy and we brought her along. Lisod sad kaayo if amo ra siya ibilin sa balay na siya ra noh? Lisod ra sad kaayo. Haha Joker kaayo ko karon noh? LOL 
She's two months already.

She can carry her head, she smiles and she's learning about the adorable separtion anxiety.
She used to cry everytime we bathe her but now, when she's just sitting pretty in her cute pink seat in her bath tub, she enjoys her bath time na. I also made a video of her and posted it on YouTube. I'm so smitten. Haha I have so much love to give and the recipients of this love are kids. Maybe I should have a lovelife. Accepting applicants now. bwahaha


Let's go back to the Christmas spirit topic. My love life is too complicated because of the lack of love sa life. haha Christmas. Noche Buena. Family Gatherings. Christmas Parties. Gift-giving. Godchildren. Mutago nako. I have like 16 of them. I am unemployed. Now, what am I supposed to give them this Christmas? Pwede utang lang sa? Pwede mubawi next year? Promise. Haha Anyway, I'm pretty sure everyone saw the Coca-Cola video that sent 3 Pinoys home to see there family that they haven't seen in years. I CRIED!  I really did. I easily cry but regardless. Here's the link just click here. This could be me years from now. I am an extrovert but when it comes to future plans, I just keep them to myself because I don't want to count the chicks before the eggs hatch. I can't wait to leave and work and make my family happy, make their lives comfortable. Seeing them happy would make me happy. 

And in light of the Christmas season and feelings.
As December starts and Christmas draws near, I feel a little bit of sadness, a great deal of pain, and a whole year of unexplanable grief and regret. 
Imagine Pasko ko na Sinta ko playing in the background....
Looking back at the things and people I've lost this year.
Looking back at the things I had this time last year.
Looking back at what changed.
Looking at the present and see what has not.

Kung mawawala ka
Sa piling ko, sinta 
Paano ang Paskong 
Alay ko sa 'yo.
Nang Inday. Tiya Carmen. Lolo Odon. Noy Dodz. 
The last three prepared us for the impending loss last year. Death has always been inevitable. I've said this before and I'm saying this again, nobody prepared us for Nang Inday's death. Nine months have passed and somehow, time hasn't healed the wound nor lessened the pain. No matter how I try to put the memories at the very back of my head and to put my feelings aside, pain and grief always find a way to make their presence known, especially this time of the year. Wala ju'y adlaw na dili ko makahuna-huna nila. Sobra ra kasakit ang ila pagkawala bisan pa ug naka-prepare mi. Some might say that this display of loss and pain is too much. Maybe it is. But this is the only way I can express my feelings. Dili ko ganahan makig-storya sa ako family because I don't want to get this heavy emotions out to burden them. After all that we've been through this year, I think it's just fair for us to have at least a happy Christmas. And it all depends on each one of us. 

Now, I am inspired to have a very merry Christmas! I choose to be Happy. :D

xoxo,
dee


P.S.
If you don't understand some of the things I've written, feel free to send me a message and I will translate them for ya. Thanks!