I want to be alone... sometimes.

I only went out of the house today for the sole reason of bringing Germaine lunch. Then, it occurred to me to just go to the mall and have a much needed foot scrub and pedicure. With all that's been happening in my life, or the lack thereof, I just felt the need to have all these dead skin cells scrubbed off.
Also, with all the things that I do everyday, getting a pedicure is almost a luxury. I am not a busy girl, I just have a few things on my plate these days. Taking care of a baby is not easy, I tell you.  Sometimes we just need all the help we can get.
At first, I was thinking of getting my hair done, have a haircut or whatever then a pedi. But as I looked at my feet, I changed my priorities. My hair can survive another week. So I maybe having my hair cut next week. MAYBE.
So I went to SDR. It's a bit pricey, their foot scrub + pedi package, compared to other salons. As the foot scrub started, I felt relaxed and calm. But not for long. Most of the time, I was controlling my foot from jerking and myself from breaking into giggles.
Ahhhh. The wonder that is foot scrub.
Although this was an impromptu salon trip, right then and there I realized that I need to pamper myself once in awhile. I get a mani-pedi regularly but those other treatments I don't. So I really consider this as an indulgence. Trust me, I opt for hair color treatment more than those facials, scrubs, massages, etc.
Sometimes, I just forget how relaxing these things are. Now I'm thinking of getting a whole body massage real soon. My back feels so stiff from all the carrying and walking.
This day became ME-day. After I went to Sykes, I treated myself some more. I went to SB and bought Mocha Frappe and as I was walking around the mall, I passed by Auntie Anne's, I've been dying to try their pretzels. I bought their best seller, the cinnamon sugar.
It did not disappoint. I was expecting it to be crispy, biscuit-like, just like the pretzels were used to. But it's soft, like donuts, more like siakoy. While I was enjoying my treats, I realized that I really love going out alone. I enjoy the perks it gives. No rush. No talking. Just me, myself and I.
And as much as I want alone time, I also enjoy having impromptu chika sessions with old friends. Arianne, a friend from high school, saw me at Auntie Anne's. We sat and talked for awhile. It felt good to reconnect with old friends. They make us realized just how much has changed since then. And what's funny is that, along with the changes, you'd also see that a lot has stayed the same.
I used to hate change. But as I grow older, I learned to accept it as it comes. Hate it or love it, I don't really have a choice but to accept it.

xoxo,
dee

P.S.
This waiting thing sure is crappy. :'(

A Trip Down South.

It has been years since I had been to Mindanao. Now, after 8 years of being away from the south, an invitation to spend a few days in Cagayan de Oro was just something not to say no to. Well, at first I did since I have no money, to start with. But I guess God is so good to those who are good. (No, I am not kidding.) I also want to take this opportunity to thank the people responsible for this trip. I have taken it upon myself not to include their names for their privacy and protection. Nevertheless, the trip was possible because of your goodness.

Supposedly, there were five of us. J, however, was not replying to any of our messages. Then a couple of days before our departure, T bailed out. So it was just us, G and M. With these changes, I guess it was also fitting to change our plans. 

Our flight to CDO was 4:15pm, due to personal reasons, it took us forever to get to the airport, thus, we weren't allowed to check-in and board our plane 30 minutes before the flight. Boo-hoo, right?

After so much deliberation, we decided to just take the boat to CDO. It was either that or just go home. Deep within me, I didn't want to go home. My mind was set for a break, even for a short one. We then boarded the only trip to CDO. We arrived around 5 in the morning. We had our breakfast at McDo and waited for our river guide.

Looking back now, though most of the time, is a blur. I guess I was really tired and sleepy at that time. Cagayan is a beautiful place early in the morning, mainly because of its fresh air, clean streets and that simple life feel it gives us. However, it gets uglier later in the day, especially if you put in "swapang" drivers, a thousand motorela (looks like Thailand's tok-tok), bad, bad traffic and poorly-lit roads.

Comparing this place to other towns and cities would be an insult. But to give you all a better description as to what the place was like, a comparison would be the best way to go. It is like a combination of Ormoc, Tacloban and Baybay minus the drivers who would charge you Php 100 for a Php50 ride or plus Php50 to your metered fare or Php300 to a Php200 taxi ride. Other than that, the place is beautiful.

We spent the entire morning white water rafting. At first I was apprehensive since I am afraid of falling off the raft or encountering snakes and crocodiles. Call me paranoid and psychotic, I really have irrational fears. As we went down the river, I realized that my fears were useless. The rafting was totally safe. It does not even matter if you don't know how to swim, the life vest would take care of that. 

This was the second time we were allowed to swim in the water. See, I conquered my irrational fear of swimming in still fresh waters.

It was one of the best experiences in my entire life. I really had a great time paddling down the river. The rapids were very challenging and exciting. I really thought I would fall over and be laughed at everyone in the raft but I didn't. 

After we had lunch, we were on our way to the island of Camiguin. we were on the road for about 2 hours and over an hour of ferry ride to the island itself and another 30 minutes on the road again to reach Mambajao. We looked for a place to stay in, had dinner and went to the hot springs to relax our tensed muscles.

 We went to the famous (sort of) White Island early the next day. We took a swim for a few minutes then went back to town to have breakfast and buy pasalubong.

Camiguin was disappointing. This trip to the place was disappointing. This, however, maybe due to the lack of time. Maybe if we got to spend atleast a couple of days there, maybe, just maybe we could have given this very simple island a chance to earn a place in our hearts, even at the bottom. I realized that there is so much of the place we did not see. Should I go back? Maybe, give or take ten years from now. 

I've always thought and believed that traveling brings about a sense of learning to the traveler. May it be common knowledge or learning more about one's self or thy companion/s. I've had my share of travels and travel companions. I have traveled with family, friends, neighbors and strangers. Each is different from the other, as I've said. And I will not tackle on that. 

This trip has made me see more about my life. 

What I want.

What I need.

What I have.

What I don't have.

What I tolerate.

I also realized that in every situation in my life, I always see the glass as half-full. I've always thought that I have a breaking point. That someday, somehow, I will succumb to pessimism and disappointment. 

And realizing now, I just can not put everything in my mind and heart here. I guess I really have to put boundaries/limitations in my posts. I am not quite sure if I understand the responsibilities of blogging. i have yet to be aware of that. 

Anyway.

All in all, this was definitely a trip worth remembering.

For more information about the trip, please check out my other blog.

What Am I Thankful For? 2011

Blogging about the things I am thankful for has become an annual tradition for me. I blogged about it 2008, 2009 and 2010. (The one in 2008 is not really about what I'm thankful for.) And more or less, I am grateful for the same things. Or people.

• My family. 
• My friends. 
• My life and the lives of the people close to my heart. Whether it's a healthy life or not.
• The usual things. Like problems/challenges/trials, opportunities/chances, new things/people, experiences/lessons, expectations/disappointments.

Then there are those things that not all people were given this year that I was.

• Chance to do some traveling. 

Traveling always leaves a sense of fulfillment in me everytime I come home. There's always that sense of satisfaction. The places I've traveled to may not be as glamourous compared to other people's but still the experience of being in a different place, immersing in a different culture and hearing a language so far from what I know is beyond anything else. I always learn a lot from traveling and somehow, you just can't share that learning to people unless they traveled with you or the same way. Traveling with friends and family is different from each other. And it's not where you're going that matters, it's the people you travel with. Trust me, it makes a whole of difference.

Boracay and Bangkok: Thank you so much to my brother and his family. You inspire me. I hope I could also do the same for you and our family.

• Deaths and Loss.

If you know me, or at least have been reading my blog this year, you'd know about the deaths in my family. It's not something to be proud of. Grief and loss are not the things that I take pride in. But it's the way I overcome them. Losing the ones we love through dying is by far the most painful way because we just know that they're not coming back anymore and each death leaves the kind of fear that would sometimes keeps us from living. And also the kind of fear that would always make us question God what's or who's next. Looking back the past nine months is never easy. Each loss brings about a different pain and a different perspective. Now, why am I thankful for death? Simply because I look at death as an escape, a relief from everything that this world offers. But I am not encouraging anyone to go kill themselves. It's a relief to those who have been suffering long enough that you just couldn't bear to see them alive and in a great deal of pain or to those who have been here long enough to see a great difference between the world he was born into and the world he would leave behind. But what about those who were killed? My heart still aches for her and I just know it'd take a very long time to heal. As much as I want to see the glass as half-full it just doesn't seem right at all. If there is anything that I've learned from that ordeal is that we should never take the ones we love for granted and that we should not wait for a special day to tell them how much they mean to us. Why? Because no matter how healthy we are or how safe our lives are, we just don't own tomorrow. 

This year was a year of loss for me. I lost a lot of great people.  But it doesn't mean that it's the end of the line for me, too. I am still here, alive and kicking. If there's any good that has ever come out of this year it's that it's also a year of hope for me. I've always thought that loss always teaches us to hope. To hope for better things to come after a few bad things. To hope for the loved ones who have gone ahead to be in a better place than they were before. To hope for better opportunities after losing the good ones. To hope for salvation. To hope that there is really a light at the end of every tunnel. To hope that every dark or gray cloud has a silver lining. To hope that there is a life waiting for us somewhere. To hope that we could make our wildest dreams come true.

To hope.

But as they say, you can't lose something without gaining another.
Or.
If a door closes, another one opens.

• Babies.

No. I am not pregnant with quadruplets. I just look like I am. bwahaha. People close to me were expecting and still are expecting. So what to expect when they're expecting? 

Babies. What cute creatures. Oh yes, they're quite adorable and charming and one just can't resist but talk gibberish when you find yourselves face to face with such chubby cheeks, et cetera. Imagine: a goo goo ga ga.

Babies are life-changing creatures of God. And I am glad that I could be a part of these new babies' lives.

I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for and I will eternally be grateful to the Big Guy up there for everything and also to the people around me. Thank you so much!

I also want to take this chance to thank everyone for the support (for my blogs, photos) and most especially in taking part of the cause I am currently fighting for, the Feeding Program. And also for the people who are always there for me, to love, to support, to care and most of the time, to just be there for me. Aaaaand for understanding how my mind works, how my mouth talks and how my mood swings like the very unpredictable Leyte weather. 

I would love to just put the names of the people responsible for making this year bearable despite of but it would seem unfair to those I would forget. So, you guys know who you are and what you did,  A BIG THANK YOU!!! I would give back, as soon as I can. I know you don't require that I will but I want to. Being a recipient of the kind of goodness people are capable of is very enlightening. Being who I am has made me see a different perspective of everything and I will forever be grateful for everything that has happened in my life, for having what I have and not having what I don't, for knowing the real meaning of humility, for understanding what debt of gratitude truly means, and for being able to put myself in the shoes of other people and being able to understand where they're coming from.  These, I am truly thankful for. Not the clothes I have or the shoes or the bags. The ones that don't get old.

Once again, thank you and it has been my greatest pleasure to have you all in my life!

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

I am psychotic.

Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Cholelithiasis. In layman's term, it is the presence of stones (not the stones we find on the ground) in the gallbladder. Sa Binisaya pa, naay bato ang apdo. Cholelithiasis, Gallstones, etc., they're the same thing.

How did I found out?
Unlike some people who found out accidentally, I actually had pain attacks related to the presence of stones in my gallbladder.
The pain started as a mild cramping and I was constantly burping then it progressed to hyperacidity-type of pain. Until it became intense and the pain radiated to my back and shoulders that breathing was almost impossible to do. And mind you, there was no comfortable position. Nagtuwad-tuwad nako and I tried being my own personal nurse but somehow the pain made it impossible for me to really think straight. I took 3 or 4 Buscopan meds to no avail. I even submitted myself to traditional hilot which I think was the sole reason for causing my gallbladder to inflame.
Ang sakit gani kay ang type na magtikasakit bisag wala kay gibuhat. Obviously, if you're in pain, you don't want to talk or to move or to do anything. My parents were scared, I think they were because they constantly checked on me and I would just look at them pretending that I was not in terrible pain eventhough I was on my bed reduced to a ball with a pillow between my thighs and belly and was sweating profusely. They kept on asking me if it was really painful. If I had the energy, I would have said, Dili, Dili. ganahan ra ko magtuwad-tuwad ron. But then, I did not so I just nodded and cried. It was a Sunday so clinics are closed.
I waited for the pain to lessen and it did, sort of. I fell asleep on a High-Fowler's position and I woke up feeling like I never slept at all. I was exhausted as hell and the pain came back more painful than it ever was. I was alone and I scared and I just have to have myself check. Kinahanglan na jud. Yes, I'm scared of check-ups. Mahadlok ko that the doctor would say that, you have this and that and that you only have less than a month to live.
Oa na kung oa. Pero mahadlok ko magkasakit terminally. You know the type of sickness that requires  massive amounts of money for treatment because obviously, just hearing the name of that sickness is enough to send me to cardio-pulmonary arrest.
In all honesty, I really don't want to have the kind of sickness that would prevent me from making my plans a reality. Yes, it won't be technically the end of my life if I won't be able to fulfill my dreams and goals but what could I do? Continue being a PT or a PAL? I just couldn't go on living like that.
Do you guys remember my death and dying FB posts last June/July 2010? That was the time when I had my attacks. I really thought my life would end six months after my diagnosis.
FYI: DILI MAKAMATAY ANG GALLSTONES.
Oa lang jud ko. You can't really blame me, knowing some of the diseases/illnesses/health conditions, dili lalim ui. Having a background is enough for me to go bananas.
Dili jud bagay nako magkasakit. I would lock myself in my room, write about my thoughts and feelings and fears, I would pray to God asking for another chance at life, I would cry myself to sleep and when I wake up, I would cry again. Then I would go out of my room and smile like nothing is wrong with my brain. The thing is, I would keep these concerns in my head because everytime I say it out loud, the surer I am that I am really dying or that I really have the disease.
Luag-luag jud siguro ni ako screws. or di kaha naa jud koy diyes sa ilok. hahaha

wa ko kasabot nganong ngblog ko ani. Maybe because nakuyawan lang ko para ugma. :'( please help pray for my health. na I'm healthy as a horse. :D

Thank you so much for praying!

xoxo,
dee

I am Super Daloidoi

*Disclaimer:
The title is irrevelant with the post. I just couldn't think of a better title.

In my previous entry, I said that I MIGHT not be coming back due to some personal reasons. But after so much contemplation, I decided to just brush it off, move on and blog again. I just can't stay away from blogging. We are so connected that it's almost a relationship.
Anyway.
What did I learned from my two-week hiatus? A lot, actually. The things that have happened, the words that have been said, and the feelings I have felt the past couple of weeks have been incomparable. These things made me learn a lot of things about myself, my friends and everyone else around me. There were days when I would just sit in a corner of an empty cafe and just think about things-- how it affected, how I reacted and how can I make things better.
Last night, as I was editing and making a video, I realized just how important my friends are to me. They are not just a bunch of people whom I grew up and shared a lot memories with. They are those people who have become a part of who I am. There would never be a Daloidoi if it weren't for them.
I guess I was just too consumed with my emotions that I was even willing to let go of that one particular friendship. But now that I have given it a lot of thought, I realized that it's not always necessary to end things just because that person has hurt us. Sometimes, it's important to just not be proud and just forgive. Think of those harsh words as things of the past eventhough they hurt like daggers to my heart. For me, friendship is always about giving out chances. Not like in Romantic Relationships, for me, enough na ang One Chance not ONE MORE CHANCE. Ahhh bitter? No, of course. That's my lame attempt at humor, actually.
So I decided to just let. it. go. Let go of the pain. Oh yes, I felt the pain. I felt it til I got sick of it. But I don't think I will be able to forget it for awhile. Ikaw daw kuno insultuhon ug taman, makalimot ba ka. Mayg gihapak sa ulo kay ma-amnesia, dba? hahaha
You know, letting go and moving on is a process, a long one at that. Sometimes, well, most of the time, it's a slow and painful process. But more often than not, it ends happily.
Friends fight. Sometimes they ignore each other, call each other nasty words, and all those things friends do. But at the end of the day, we all come back to each other.

Husto na ang drama, lezgo to updates.

I've already tried Phoebe's Cupcakery and they're AWESOME! Click on the name to read my review.

• I've been to Macaron Tango Cafe thrice last week. When I'm sad, I eat. So there.
• I also went to Bittersweet Pastry Shop to try out two of their cupcakes. My review is still on the works. I've been really preoccupied lately. :D But I already posted photos on my Facebook Page, Through my lens.
• I don't know what's gotten into me but I've been trying to make a vlog. HUMAAAAAYGAHD. I am so bad at it. But I will try and try until I will make a decent enough vlog. hahaha
• Less than one week and I still haven't told my mother about this trip I'm about to have. I'm sensing a Boracay Part Two Yawyaw mode from Inahan. haha
• Gabbie has grown! She weighs almost 5 kilos and she's heavy, I tell you. BUYAG! She has her preferences, mind you. And with her, I got to sing and dance. She even got Irene to sing Eency, Weency Spider last Sunday. For more Gabbie pics, just click here. :-)

• Anyway, meet-ups of online shops in Ayala has been prohibited. :D naks! prohibited jud. It took me longer than I used to with meeting up with sellers since they are not allowed to hold transaction within the mall premises. I was walking all over the mall to meet-up with sellers. There goes my moolah. Ka-ching! Now I'm more broke than before. Maybe I should start eating noodles. Haha as if. :D

I guess that's it for now. Thanksgiving is next week so expect a post from me but I think I will post either earlier or later na lang. I have a lot to be thankful for this year aside from my family and friends and for the food I have eaten this year, hmmm. it's gonna be a shorter but very heartfelt one.

Anyway, I had a vain moment earlier this afternoon while I was trying to make a vlog. I love how I did my brows today. Although it's not perfect but I love it nonetheless. Having a lot of time to do this really did make a difference.

XOXO, dee

This could be goodbye...

Like most bloggers, my blog is my outlet. Most people use their blogs as a place where they can express their feelings, whatever they may be. Somehow, talking about it makes human beings feel better or it can help gain understanding. Some use it as a scrapbook about their travels, or their favorite things and hobbies. I use it to write about what's on my mind, how and what I feel and everything else.

I have always been open about my thoughts. There 's something about transparency that I like, especially when it comes to people who are close to me. They (people close to me) know that i have negative attitudes and i am also aware that they know I have positive ones.  I just hope that they see more goodness in me than badness. 

Due to a recent event, I am now having second thoughts about blogging and other forms of expressions. It's not because "nadala" nako but because I am truly hurt by the words said. Never in a million years did I think that a friend would say those words, even in jest. The insults hurt but what hurts more is that it was based on assumptions/presumptions/misconstrued facts. And you know what hurts the most? She was supposed to be my friend.

I am not doing this to make her look bad or to spite her. I am doing this to let my feelings out because not only am I angry but I am also hurt to the point that I feel like exploding. The pain is great, tantamount to being rejected, to being betrayed.

I guess conflicts in friendships are unavoidable, especially if there is lack of communication. I have always believed that every problem can be solved through communication.

As Edward Bulwer-Lytton said, the pen is mightier than the sword. Yes, I have said harsh words to people but I know I don't deserve a rundown of my bad qualities especially from someone who I did not do wrong. I do not deserve those words. You do not have the right to say those things about me. You do not know me, you do not know my family, you do not know what I've been through. I am not completely the same person I was back in high school. So don't you dare judge me based on history or what you see on twitter or Facebook. 

A million sorry won't take back the cruel words you've written.You can never take them back. The damage has been done and our friendship is forever tainted by this. Someone once said that we should be thankful for words that were said in anger for they may be true. Or something like that. 

I do not know for sure if I could still be in the same room with someone who thinks the worst of me. I am not being melodramatic here but it really hurts a lot. I am so sorry that it has come to this but you do not deserve my friendship. You are right, QUALITY BEATS QUANTITY. I have far more better friends. 

To the rest of my friends, thank you for trying to make things better and to those who are just insensitive, I have no words for you just, I guess Voltaire was right.

After all that's been said and done, I guess it's best to go on a hiatus. I am not sure if I'm coming back but I am moving on. 

'til I blog again,

dee