I am psychotic.

Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Cholelithiasis. In layman's term, it is the presence of stones (not the stones we find on the ground) in the gallbladder. Sa Binisaya pa, naay bato ang apdo. Cholelithiasis, Gallstones, etc., they're the same thing.

How did I found out?
Unlike some people who found out accidentally, I actually had pain attacks related to the presence of stones in my gallbladder.
The pain started as a mild cramping and I was constantly burping then it progressed to hyperacidity-type of pain. Until it became intense and the pain radiated to my back and shoulders that breathing was almost impossible to do. And mind you, there was no comfortable position. Nagtuwad-tuwad nako and I tried being my own personal nurse but somehow the pain made it impossible for me to really think straight. I took 3 or 4 Buscopan meds to no avail. I even submitted myself to traditional hilot which I think was the sole reason for causing my gallbladder to inflame.
Ang sakit gani kay ang type na magtikasakit bisag wala kay gibuhat. Obviously, if you're in pain, you don't want to talk or to move or to do anything. My parents were scared, I think they were because they constantly checked on me and I would just look at them pretending that I was not in terrible pain eventhough I was on my bed reduced to a ball with a pillow between my thighs and belly and was sweating profusely. They kept on asking me if it was really painful. If I had the energy, I would have said, Dili, Dili. ganahan ra ko magtuwad-tuwad ron. But then, I did not so I just nodded and cried. It was a Sunday so clinics are closed.
I waited for the pain to lessen and it did, sort of. I fell asleep on a High-Fowler's position and I woke up feeling like I never slept at all. I was exhausted as hell and the pain came back more painful than it ever was. I was alone and I scared and I just have to have myself check. Kinahanglan na jud. Yes, I'm scared of check-ups. Mahadlok ko that the doctor would say that, you have this and that and that you only have less than a month to live.
Oa na kung oa. Pero mahadlok ko magkasakit terminally. You know the type of sickness that requires  massive amounts of money for treatment because obviously, just hearing the name of that sickness is enough to send me to cardio-pulmonary arrest.
In all honesty, I really don't want to have the kind of sickness that would prevent me from making my plans a reality. Yes, it won't be technically the end of my life if I won't be able to fulfill my dreams and goals but what could I do? Continue being a PT or a PAL? I just couldn't go on living like that.
Do you guys remember my death and dying FB posts last June/July 2010? That was the time when I had my attacks. I really thought my life would end six months after my diagnosis.
FYI: DILI MAKAMATAY ANG GALLSTONES.
Oa lang jud ko. You can't really blame me, knowing some of the diseases/illnesses/health conditions, dili lalim ui. Having a background is enough for me to go bananas.
Dili jud bagay nako magkasakit. I would lock myself in my room, write about my thoughts and feelings and fears, I would pray to God asking for another chance at life, I would cry myself to sleep and when I wake up, I would cry again. Then I would go out of my room and smile like nothing is wrong with my brain. The thing is, I would keep these concerns in my head because everytime I say it out loud, the surer I am that I am really dying or that I really have the disease.
Luag-luag jud siguro ni ako screws. or di kaha naa jud koy diyes sa ilok. hahaha

wa ko kasabot nganong ngblog ko ani. Maybe because nakuyawan lang ko para ugma. :'( please help pray for my health. na I'm healthy as a horse. :D

Thank you so much for praying!

xoxo,
dee