And then it ended with a... kiss.

26th December, 2010

10:35am

"I love you, goodbye."

This is not the first time that i got my heart broken. But this is definitely the first time I got my heart broken without the guy knowing that he did.

Words aren't enough to describe how I feel right now. A part of me wants to go on loving him and play the fool. Another part of me wants to just stop this madness and save myself from getting hurt even more. But then I realized, if he really does at least care for me, as I've led myself to believe, he would've texted. But he didn't.

I decided to just set aside what I feel for him. To let it go.


29th of December, 2010

Four days.
It has been four long days since I've been with him.
I am wounded. My heart is broken but I shouldn't be complaining because nothing happened between us. I just fell in love with him.

my only consolation is that I know, the time will come that these feeling I feel for him, the love, the pain, all these will go away in time. I will get over him. When, I have no idea. I will continue loving him, from a distance.

I will be okay. I just know I will be. :-)

Solitary Confinement

Dec. 24, 2010

7pm

In my room

"Solitary confinement"

I chose to isolate myself from everyone else for a few minutes. It's not because I am on a verge of a drama explosion but because that's what I feel that I need right now.

I just need to be with myself: mind, heart and body. To actually really think things through.

Emotional roller coaster.

I've been in the most twisted and sickening emotional roller coaster ride the past couple of months. It all started with the "que sera, sera" and the go-with-the-flow mantra I have.

It all started with a little challenge that I gave myself last Albuera Fiesta. I won. But looking at where things are right now, looks like I am losing.

Losing my sense of reason, myself, my sanity, and most of all, my heart.

I must say it's nobody's fault. Not his. Not mine.

Every thing we did was all a reaction.

Well, at least I'd like to think it that way. There's no room for regrets in my life. There are things that I know I should regret but I chose not to. These mistakes have brought along lessons that I know would teach me something.

And I believe everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason right now but eventually, I would. And by then, I would understand why.

I once read this quote and it stuck to me:

"I make mistakes but mistakes are sometimes what make life, LIFE."

In my entire life, I've made a lot of mistakes. I used to regret it all. Then I later realized that these made me wiser, stronger and more careful. As I've said before, regretting won't take back what I did. But acknowledging the mistake helps me learn. That's what's important. We have to make mistakes in order for us to learn.

Signs.

We all ask God for signs.

If we could pass the board exams. If we should choose something over another, or someone over somebody. Or if the person we like or love feels the same way we do.

And God, ever the joker, would sometimes give us the vaguest of signs, or the thing we ask for followed by events that'd make us think otherwise.

Leaving us confused as ever.

I've been thinking of what signs to ask God. I couldn't think of any. Sometimes everything just get so messed up. So screw the signs. I'm done.

Maybe it's time to face the music. REALITY.

It's all in my head.

Maybe I just misinterpreted everything. Maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe he just wants to get in my pants. Maybe, just maybe I just fall too easily. Too quick to believe every bullshit that comes out of his mouth.

"Maybe it isn't love. Maybe it's a sudden feeling. A sudden feeling and I just overreacted."

Working things out.

Just because some things didn't work out doesn't mean relationships must end. Sometimes we just have to put aside unreciprocated feelings. It may hurt a lot, it may not hurt at all. But it's nicer to save friendships over broken hearts. We have to keep in mind that we were friends first before anything else. And in this case, he didn't make me hope. It was all my doing. What's the point of anger if the person doesn't even deserve it, right?

My favorite mistake.

Of all my mistakes, you are definitely my favorite. Because having you, being with you has made me happy more than anyone ever did. And having you has made me feel a lot of emotions more than anyone ever did. Emotions that are sometimes extreme. I never felt unstable and insecure with anyone else but you.

Choices and making decisions.

Life is sometimes all about making them.

HANGING ON.

HOLDING BACK.

LETTING GO.

MOVING ON.

2010 has almost reached its end.

What and who should I take with me to the new year, what and who am I going to leave behind?

We'll see.

Life is, after-all a daring adventure.

For now, I just want to enjoy what's left of the holidays. Hopefully, drama-free.

It started with a kiss

CDUH net cafe

8pm

It was of those days.

When I simply want to escape.

Escape reality.

I tend to do just that.

I drifted from reality.

To fantasy.

I was deep in thought.

Not minding the songs playing.

Reminding us that Christmas is near.

And then it struck me.

It struck me real hard.

I have fallen.

Fallen.

Fast.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

That realization scares me.

I have to learn to accept that.

I have two choices:

To accept and move forward.

Or to accept and move on.

At first it felt wrong.

So wrong that I get a rush every time.

But now.

It only feels right.

So right that it makes me wonder.

Have I lost my senses?

Oh my.

I don't even want to know.

I just want to cry.

Tears are pooling.

But I can not cry.

I just can't.

I don't want people to wonder.

This is doomed.

This is destined to end.

I will get hurt.

I just know I will.

But could I stop?

I am in too deep to stop.

I tried to stop this.

I tried not to feel this.

But I did.

And now.

I am bound to get hurt.

Maybe.

I should try to just enjoy.

Enjoy the ride.

Enjoy it until it's over.

I am here already.

Might as well make myself happy.

There's no point in choosing pain.

When I know that pain is what I will feel.

If I choose to move on.

Why not make the most of it?

So.

I choose.

To Move Forward.

For now.

How things would go in the near future.

I have no idea.

I have my eyes half-close.

This started with a kiss.

But how would this end?

I wonder.

I saw the sign...

Words.

I am at loss for words. I can not even begin to describe how I feel right now. I feel so cheated.

My thoughts are all jumbled.

I don't like this feeling very much. The feeling that you feel just when you decided to let it all go, to just leave the feelings behind, and then Voila! Shit Happens and it leaves you with your eyes wide open, mouth hanging and thoughts in disarray.

Irene and I think of ourselves as the Punchline for this never-ending joke that God has been playing on us since, ... Since I don't know when. Just when I thought the joke has ended, turned out, it still hasn't.

This joke would have been funny if it wasn't on me. But it is on me and it cracks me up in an ironic way.

Don't you just love it when you ask God for signs whether to move forward or let go? And then he would go on and show you a myriad of those weird signs we ask? And when you finally see the signs and make your choice, things would happen that would make you think otherwise? If I don't have a healthy mind, I would've gone bonkers by now.

But as they say, "Things happen for a reason." We may not know the reason right away but it's always guaranteed that it'll always be a win-win situation. We may get hurt, get stomped on, rejected and ignored but in the end, these are the things that would make us stronger and wiser.

Maybe I'm not supposed to make decisions right away. Maybe I just have to wait it all out, see where things may lead me. Whether to him or to somebody else.

Maybe love is like riding a rollercoaster. It gets us excited for the ride. And when it's about to start, we'd get crazy nervous and we'd have second thoughts whether to go on or get out. And then the ride would start, it gets even scarier with all the loops and turns and the drops. We laugh when the ride gets smooth. And as the ride goes on, we couldn't wait for it to reach its final turn. We're always in a hurry to reach the end. And then after the ride, when we get off the rollercoaster, we'd ask ourselves, "Is it worth the fear?" "The tears and the shouts?"

Rollercoasters scare the living daylights out of me. For fear that I would get hurt or I would fall. But I still ride them anyway. It gives me the rush that I need once in awhile and riding it makes me happy. It won't keep me wondering how it would feel.

Just like LOVE. I got burned over and over again. I would cry. I would swear never to love again. I would let my heart rest. And when LOVE presents itself to me, I would close my eyes and grab it by the tail.

I will wait for the day that I could love and be loved once again. I don't want to play around. I just want to have that someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. I'm not asking for anything other than that person. I don't ask for too much. I want and I need someone who is man enough to prove to me that he is worth falling into. I just need one guy, just one guy, to prove to me that love works, not to everybody else, BUT TO ME.

A lot of things could and would happen. Good or Bad. It's up to us how we see the glass, whether it's half-empty or half-full. No matter how things get, I always choose to see it as half-full. Nothing much is going on in my life right now. Maybe God is preparing me for something, or someone greater.

Shit Happens, But life is beautiful.

I saw the sign...

I will wait it out. I will enjoy whatever it is that I have. I will not beat myself up thinking about how he feels. I will wonder. I am wondering. But I have to stop, I will stop eventually. Everything has its end. This, this madness has, too.

What hurts the most...

Somehow I can not put into words how I truly feel right now. I'm not sure if my mild depression is due to the weather or because of the painful realization I had a few hours earlier. Or maybe, both.

Denial.

This is perhaps the most common defense mechanism a person uses when facing hurtful truths. And I was in denial the past weeks for one reason. As the days go by, I was in denial for another reason. Just when I was able to accept the truth, a couple of realizations have hit me hard on the forehead.

Firstly, I am smitten. Love is too strong a word and Like is too weak a word to describe how I feel for him. And I forced myself to believe that I only wanted one thing from him, that I am not ready for something serious. I beat myself up to believe that I only wanted to play a game. Because I know that it's only a game to him. I was a challenge, a goal. And after that, I would get disposed.

After months of denial, I finally allowed myself to accept that sad fact. And I made the very mistake of allowing my

self to hope. To hope that he might feel the same way that I do. Misinterpeting his actions as signs of affection, or something deeper. That my friends, is the biggest mistake I've ever

done. Everyday I hoped for him to come around and tell me his feelings. But he never did. And each day I would tell myself to j

ust let it go and just be friends with him. And then he would go on and say things that would make me weak in the knees.

Lastly, every woman has a breaking point. And I have almost reached mine. I am pulling myself together to prevent a heartbreaking downfall. That's when I have come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe he's just not that into me. I've always known that possibility. But I hoped that he would actually like me, and maybe even fall for me. I gave myself a false sense of hope. And before I hurt myself even more, I just have to stop. I have to stop this foolishness.

But just like an addict, I kept on wanting more of him. I can not understand the need I feel for him. This may sound a bit obsessive but I'm not. It's like looking at his photos is my daily fix. He's all I ever think about and it's starting to hurt. Does he ever think about me? Does he ever miss me the way I miss him? I don't know. I really don't know.

Before I find myself in too deep, I have to stop this madness. I just have to. For the love of me, I gotta stop this craziness. But I know, I will continue hoping that one of these days, he would finally come around. And I know for a fact that as each day goes by, my heart would break into tiny pieces knowing that he won't ever feel the same way that I do.

"The scariest thing was, we didn't even have to be together for him to break my heart."

Looking Back

It was no more than a slight interest on my part. I was curious. Eric got me curious. And one fateful night, that curiousity was fed by my impulsiveness. And by alcohol. Until now, I did not regret what I did. But I have a feeling that what I will do in the next days, or weeks, I will regret. Or maybe not. I don't really know. I will cross the bridge when I get there. And while I'm on my way, I will enjoy my ride. No matter how bumpy it is.

For months, that slight interest remained as it was. I never really took it seriously considering the situation I was in. I have been holding on to whatever control I have left. No matter what the other person involved says, I never took it seriously. Why? Because I don't want whatever I feel to grow deeper. No matter what my friends say, I still think it's wrong. I don't want to be so self-righteous but a few years from now, I don't want to be remembered as the girl who.....

Yes, this is probably a mistake. Holding on to this like a child holding a balloon afraid that it might fly away. I want this. This is making me happy. But I think this is wrong. It's too late for me to actually think this through since I am half way there.

This is probably the most honest that I can get. For a month now, maybe even more, I have been lying to myself about how I truly feel. Too afraid to admit that I have been hit by it. I can not even bring myself to type it. It's not that I am afraid, it's just that this may be a one-sided thing. The other person wants something else and I want the same thing with but with another thing altogether. I am afterall a woman. I tend to be emotional. It's not a bad thing, being emotional. But being just that screws things up.

Sometimes when I'm all alone I can't help but think about the possibilities. That person has been the major occupant of my mind. And I want to stop already. But everytime I try to, some things happen that prevents me from doing so.

I get butterflies, cold, clammy skin and just thinking about him makes me smile.

I want to stop. I am not whining. But I have to stop.

Looking back, I never thought this would end up this way. I thought maybe this would just last a month. But it has been almost five months.

Looking back, I told myself that I won't regret anything. I'm staying true to that. Because no matter how wrong this is, this made me happy. this made me smile. this completes my day.

And it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. What matters is, I am happy.

Hiatus

I can not believe this..
But I actually did it.

I actually deactivated my Facebook account. For reasons I can not discuss here.

My account had been up and running, nonstop, for 3 years now. After all these time, I felt too overwhelmed. I guess deactivating is the surefire way of not letting people know what I've been up to. I just felt I needed to get away. Away from everything else. Yeah, it may seem a bit an overreaction to my part but a girl can only take too much.


Reactivation is inevitable. But I am enjoying my Hiatus, it feels good to be away from everything else.. Well, almost..

Like a Game of Tong-its

Cancer.

The probability that I will get it has increased. My chances of getting Colon cancer has increased from 50% to 65%, breast cancer from 25% to 50%. Cancer is not all genetics anymore. It has something to do with lifestyle already. And with a cancer history as mine, I better prepare myself mentally and emotionally.

My first cousin, Vanessa died of leukemia. She was only a kid. And at a young age, she was forced to see life in a different way. I have faint memories of her. All I remembered was how brave she was. How she smiled at life and how she embraced it. She fought cancer with all her might. But life is not that cruel. She is in a better place now.

Being a witness of how cancer affects its patients has taught me some things. Looking at my mother go through her chemotherapy every day for five days a month for a year, how its effects took its toll on her mentally, emotionally and physically and how it affected our family, changed our perspective about life.

At the young age of ten in the year 1997, I have dealt with a lot of loss and trials too colossal for my fragile, growing mind. At that time, I heard of cancer. But I've never really understood it. I knew that some people died and are dying of it. I just never thought that it could occur to any member of my family let alone my own mother. Everything happened too fast. One day we were in Ospa, the next day, they were preparing to leave for Cebu. I never really understood any of it until I reached high school. But I was well aware of the situation. That my mother could die because of it. Young as I was, I found the gravity of the situation too difficult to grasp. I was living in my own world, wherein I thought that death occurs, but to others not to my family. Maybe I thought we were favored by God. Ha-ha. Mga anak sa Ginoo. What can I say, I have always been naive.

I was in the hospital for my mother's surgery. From what I recall, nobody really talked about the gravity of her situation. All I heard was that it's terminal, she had to undergo a series of chemo sessions for a year and had to have herself checked if the cancer was gone. I never saw her cry or lose hope. All I saw was a woman trying to live of what seems to be left of her life. A woman who came back to God and was fighting for her life and at the same time, willing to give it up for us to be cancer-free. It was a bargain that she couldn't get. But what I didn't know until a few weeks back, was that she almost never went through the surgery to remove the tumor. That fact sent shivers down my spine. I could have lost my mother 13 years ago. The mother that I fear with my life. the mother that I tried all my life to please. The mother that I tried so hard to be proud of me. I could have lost her. But I didn't. And I've always known why. She thought of us, of how we would go on living without her. She was our pillar. We depended on her. Who we were, who we have become and what we will become in the future, we owe it to her courage, her will to live, her will to survive, her will to fight cancer. It wasn't only her fight. But it's my family's as well.

Months after my mother's successful operation, my tatay Omy was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs. It was afternoon, Nanay Onon showed me the result of tatay's biopsy, it says, malignant. I was in grade four, malignant was too big a word for me. I didn't even know what it meant. She Just told me that he was dying. I didn't know what to say or do. It's all too much for me to handle. I succumbed to denial. After a few weeks, tatay Omy died of lung cancer. It was the most painful day of my life. He just went into a deep sleep. He opened his eyes only to close them forever. I was heartbroken. I wasn't there when he took his last breath because I ran and told my parents that he already woke up after a day or two of coma. And my heart shattered to pieces when I heard cries and shouts for him to wake up and don't die. It was devastating, I wanted to die. From then on, things have changed. I wasn't really a big fan of change back then. Home didn't feel like home anymore. It looked dark and depressing. It took us weeks to learn to live and smile again.

From then on, I realized that life is like a game of Tong-its, you win some, you lose some. But my family's fight against cancer is not over yet.

My aunt, my mother's younger sister has breast cancer. She had her surgery and chemo when I was still in college. I never really fully grasp the idea that 4 people have cancer in my family. I was in denial. I fear losing a loved one. I don't want to lose a loved one. We owe our sanity to her. When my parents used to fight a lot and my mother would leave my brothers, she was there to take care of them. She stood as their substitute mom. My brothers and I can talk to her about anything. I talk to her even about sensitive topics. And I owe her for what she did for me in college. She is the family's pacifier. And right now, it hurts us to see her get beaten by cancer day after day after day. The immense suffering she is going through now is just cruel. I want to say nobody deserves to suffer like that. But who am I to question God's plans? My family has accepted that it won't be long until Tiya Carmen would join our Creator. And we wouldn't mourn for her but we will rejoice that finally she won't have to suffer the intense pain anymore.

And as for me, if I ever do get cancer, it's like having a fever. Haha. It's our inside joke. Seriously, if I ever have cancer, I would be depressed, I would cry and cry and cry till I have no more tears to shed. And then with God's mercy and my family's love, care and support, I will fight cancer. I will fight as hell to beat it! And if it will beat me, I will shake its hand and say, I put up a great fight, didn't I?

As I've said, life is like a game of tong-its, you win some, you lose some.

Double Whammy

First it was the hostage taking in Manila's biggest park by former Senior Inspector Rolando Mendoza, which brought shame to our country and second, the Miss Universe pageant.

Before I go any further, this is just my opinion. And please don't take this against me.

So here goes...

To tell you honestly, I never really knew about the hostage taking until it was over. Yes, shame on me. But what can I say, I never liked News anyway. Yes, I know I should be aware of anything and everything happening around the world but really, it could end but I wouldn't really care. Well, not really. Basta, I choose not to watch it. It irritates me.

ANYWAY.

I've watched a lot of CSIs and NCIS, Monk and all those tv series that has hostage taking scenarios. Maybe the Philippine National Police should watch them too. It could give them an idea or two. Just saying. My point is that, they could have just said "yes we'd give you your friggin' job back just please don't kill the hostages." I do not know the whole story but the thing is they could've just said yes and not mean it. Do anything to stop the crazed man from killing those tourists. Or they could've shot the man when they had the chance. Shot as to disarm him not kill him or do whatever is the right thing to do in the situation, provided that there'd be less people dying. Strategize. Plan. After the negotiations had failed, it was pretty clear that the SWAT team had to let Mendoza go. They had to sacrifice the life of their former colleague to save the lives of the tourists who were taken hostage. Yes, I do understand that it's not easy. But it was also clear as crystal the SWAT's priority was to save the lives of these innocent people. They can not save both, no matter what they do. Someone had to lose. It didn't have to be the innocent ones. Period.
I am so not going to the lack of funds, the lack of everything. I'm just going to give myself a headache. so not doing that.

Let's move on to lighter topic.

The Miss Universe Pageant held in Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino.

Everything was going great for the very gorgeous Philippine Representative. She was the crowd favorite and I loved her. She nailed it, from the swimsuit to the evening gown. She was a-ma-zing. She was very elegant, poised and beautiful. Until the Question and Answer portion came. I must say it was a bad answer to a difficult question. She could've given a better answer considering that she thinks she has not made any "major major" mistake in her twenty-two years of existence. She could've said it better. (I am not mocking her. I am still a fan. After everything. I love her spirit.) Say, Instead of her answer she could have said this: "I did not make any major mistake in my life but I have made wrong decisions but I do not account them as mistakes because if I haven't made them, I wouldn't have learned anything."
Yes, people, she was nervous as hell. Given that situation, who wouldn't be? Even the hosts were nervous at some points. I don't even do well on interviews. I get nervous and just like her, I blab.

Let me share my college interview in CDU.

Our interviewer asked me what my stand on cheating was. We were five in the room including her.
I was the first one she asked to answer. Being the girl that I was, I was not confident, I was shy around new people and I was scared to say the wrong things. Plus I went blank.
I said, "Uhmm,(tried to look her in the eyes) I think, cheating is.... bad?!?"
And I blabbed some more.

After a month, I returned and inquired if I got in.
Guess what, I was for REINTERVIEW. Then the dean interviewed me with the same question.
I guess I nailed it since I got in and I graduated from there.

All I'm saying is that no matter how bad a question is, there is bound to be some good answer out there. And no matter how we try to go around these situations, these could NEVER be undone.

I must say these are MAJOR MAJOR mistakes. But we do not have to dwell on these. We are Filipinos, for crying out loud. We move on great. WE ARE RESILIENT. We just have to learn from these mistakes and make sure that the next time these kind of things find their way into our lives, we now know how to handle these better. And we do not have to settle for "Pwede na."

Can't we at least settle for BETTER if not the best?
After everything that we've been through, we deserve at least THAT.

From the hostage-taking to the Miss U pageant, I say it's a double whammy.

But we, Pinoys, can get through these together. Just stop criticizing each other.

TO Venus Raj, you made us proud. You did your best and we are proud of you. keep the fighting spirit. AJA AJA!

xoxo
dee

Adios, Verano!!

This may be the best summer yet. A lot of firsts has happened and I couldn't be any happier.

I wish I could put into words the unforgettable memories that took place in this wonderful season. With these memories came lessons that I know will always guide me in my decision-making in the future.
I screwed up a lot this summer. Still no regrets. I learned a lot. And I rose above anything else.

I just wanna look back on the Highlights of my Summer.


















our season-ender activity.. Zipline and movie night.

crying

I was in Boracay last week. I was with my close friend in College, Gayle, her boyfriend, Miko, his friend, Carl and the rest of Carl's gym friends. I didn't know until a couple of days before leaving for Bora that we were going with the gym people from Ramos. Imagine my anxiety. We were around 200 and we used 2 buses from Iloilo to Caticlan. The bus ride was so exhausting. Draining, I tell you. I just wanted to sleep the moment we arrived in our hotel room. But we were in Boracay and we gotta do what people who go there gotta do. Have fun and party. Oh yeah. We had the time of our lives there. I had a great time. Until my Mother called on our second day asking me how I was and where I am. I told her with eyes closed and fingers crossed that I was in fact in Bora. She got mad and said some things and ended the call. I was in Jonah's waiting for my Mango shake and Jonah's special when she called me up. I cried a river there. I wanted to just pack my things and go home.

Yes, it's my fault. I should've told her. But I never found the courage to tell her when I left for Cebu a mere 3 weeks ago. I got scared she might humiliate me in front of everyone. I know I should've gotten used to it by now but no, I can't take it. So I opted to tell her right then and there that I was there.

I learned my lesson. And I'm not going to do it again. I am just so scared of her getting mad at me. All my life, childhood and teenage years, even my college years, we never really got along. we were like cats and dogs. My mother and I are similar. We both have short tempers and a lot more. MAybe because we are so much alike that's why we don't get along. After college, actually after I passed the NLE, we got along real well. We seldom fight. I just have to say yes to everything she wants para wala'y gubot. Sometimes it's tiring and nakakabobo. But that's what the rest of my family do. gikapoy nako ani bah.

But right now, I just feel like crying my heart out because I feel like my mother has almost all the problems in the world. Pwede di na lang kunta mgpabadlong ang mga minyo na mga tawo? samuka ui. GROW UP! because if my mother's carrying your problems too, she's going to be really impatient and hot tempered and she's going to be shouting all the time. And she's only gonna see the bad things. and tomorrow is mother's day. And i so wanted to make that day special for her.

and I am here. fullybooked na tanan. And I am crying my eyes out and I am so frustrated. is this my BORACAY KARMA?

if it is, then maybe just maybe, i deserve this. I will not regret going to Boracay. I will not. I shall not! I had a great time and it is a once in a lifetime thing.

I shall never pass that way again. And if I do return to Bora, it'd be different. I know. I just know.

Happy Mother's day to my Nanay Naida, Nanay Onon, the rest of my aunts, married cousins and all the mommies in the world.

thank you sa tanan.

xoxo

Like a Pandemonium of Thoughts

It's been a long time since I last blogged here. i don't exactly know why I haven't been blogging. But whenever I am away from any internet-capable gadget, my mind goes on a thinking spree. But when I am finally in front of any of them, my mind goes blank. Not Patrick-Spongebob's-bestfriend-kind-of blank but the you-knew-what-you-were-going-t0-say-but-you-just-don't-know-where-to-start kind of blank. And sometimes when I am actually thinking, it made a lot of sense but when I try to blog it, it doesn't anymore.

But this time I will try.

The past weeks, the time I have spent as a DOLE-Project NARS trainee in my hometown, Albuera, had been a mix of business and pleasure. I met a lot of people, actually, I met some of them but I never really knew them until I worked there. I sure am glad that I got to know them. Isn't it nice not to be kept in the dark? Or to be forever wondering who they really are? I am just grateful that I got the chance to know them. And it feels good to know that there is life outside my comfort zone. And that outside has become a part of my life and it plays a role in it. I learned some things that I may never learn elsewhere during my stay there. And I know, time will come, that the memories I made together with my co-trainees and the RHU staff will make me smile every time I look back. And I miss them, no BS here. I truly do miss my RHU family.

Friendships.

I have made a lot of friends after college. I still am friends with my grade school, High School and College friends. We still keep in touch. Everyone's well aware that lack of communication is not due to lack of the means but lack of ... lack of... what's the term? I don't know the term. Well, I did. I just forgot. Lethologica. How sad. Maybe the friends who don't keep in touch grew tired of me already or they have found better friends who have nice rides, wide array of beautiful clothes and impressive social backgrounds. Or maybe they're just busy or busy-busyhan. Whichever, if someone really wants to see and be with you, they will find a way. Like the old adage "If there's a will, there's a way."

This adage never failed. EVER.

I have way busier friends. But we see each other in a regular basis.

Well, it's pretty obvious what's the reason so I guess I'll just let this one go.

To make things fair, I guess I have to justify something too. Whenever I feel like someone is drifting away and I see them enjoying their newfound reasons to live, I just let them go. I am a selfish person but when it comes to loved ones happiness, I don't want to hold them back. And I guess what goes around comes around, right? I have done this kind of thing countless of times so I guess this just serves me right. You may ask me, Does it hurt?

It does hurt. It took me awhile to realize that I have been hurting for a long time because some of my friends have drifted away.

But do I have the right to lament?

I don't think so. Because the thing is, as soon as I realized they are drifting, I let them go easy. I let them be thinking that I am not enough. For them. I don't really do self-pity. I get depressed for awhile and then I move on. It's a cycle really. And besides, whatever happens, if the friendship we shared is real, we'd find our way back to each other.

Growth, afterall, is important to each and every one of us. And isn't it ironic? Some friends have resurfaced just when some friends disappeared. I love how God works. KUDOS, MY AMAZING CREATOR

LOVE.

I have been officially single for 6 months now. I could go longer. Right now, I just couldn't see myself with a "love" partner or be committed or even the no-strings-attached kind of relationship. Maybe because I have been single for the longest time in the past that for me, being in a relationship is hard work. Yes, there were times that I wanted to have a constant text mate or constant date to everywhere but more often than not, I enjoy the alone time I have. I take pleasure in realizing that I don't have to answer to anyone. Well, other than my family, that is. Relationships have taken its toll on me. I have grown accustomed to being alone. But I am not lonely. In Jojo's words, I am "unsweetened" by love. I know that someday, the right person will come and make me "sweet" again. But for now, I am embracing my SINGLE-BLESSEDNESS.

I guess this is it for now. Been exerting a lot of effort to keep my thoughts on one single subject at a time.

what do you know, i don't know how to edit photos here in MacPro.

so..

xoxo,

loidee

discovering melancholy

i have been feeling sad and lonely lately. im not so sure.. i feel so sad for no apparent reason at all.. man, thats not even normal. i thought i was just having my PMS.. but then this is not PMS anymore since its that time of the month once again.. haaay.. but i am still able to appreciate the good things in life.. i just feel sooooo...dispirited..



boo-hoo.

sunkissed at Digyo

yes people. yesterday was my third time to go to digyo island. and i am going back this Friday to spend the weekend with family. Never in a millions years would I get tired of going to that paradise. EVER. I just love the way that island makes me feel. I had a great time with my RHU family. though it was bitin because we stayed there for only a day but we still managed to catch some rays and be roasted.. hehe thank God i didn't get sunburnt.

here are some photos from our trip:

This is my masterpiece with my handy-dandy camera.

Maribel and I laying around

with sir Edsel and Owie

i can not believe it

As I opened my Facebook account, I found myself quite dumbstruck by what confronted me. I mean really. Is this really how small my world has become?! First him, then Him.. I mean really. I still can't quite get a grip on everything that has occurred in front of my cyberworld eyes. Man. I still have my eyes widely open, mouth hanging open, pulse-raising, profuse body sweating and the I-cannot-believe-they're-together dialogue. Seriously. I STILL CAN NOT, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, BELIEVE EVERYTHING. Really!!! OMG. WTF.

breathe... breathe... breathe...

not effective.

In denial. hahahaha

not about them being together but my world becoming so minute.

haaay. I need to go back to my Cebu life. I mean really.

anyway..

bottomline: I still can not believe it.

grrr

WTF.

Camera won't open in this i-dont-know-what-kind of pc, itunes won't even download. now FB has hang up on me.

gah.

this is so not what i expected my day to end up. Gawd. couldn't i be so malas?!?

ugh!

FEBRUARY: My kind of Month

The LOVE month.
The CRAZY month (The month when bipolar people were born. daw.)
MY BIRTHDAY MONTH.

I love this month for exactly all those reasons aforementioned. Well except the second one. I'm gonna be 23 in a few weeks and I know that age is just a number/s. But i still want to make a big deal out of since it's my ga-damn birthday and because I want to. hehe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know if a lot has happened in the last quarter of 2009 and the first few weeks of the year or the days have gone by so fast, too fast if i may say so, or nothing interesting that's worth gushing about has happened at all. Looking back the past months left me with my mouth hangin' open, wondering, "What the hell happened?!"


All I remember are some vague memories of a side of Loida goin' ga-ga over someone and makin' decisions that she's trying with all her might to find rational reasons not to regret any of them.

And trying to live life to the fullest and at the same time forgetting or setting aside my responsibilities as a Nars Trainee. I thought I went past the I-don't-like-requirement-making crap I had the last couple of months of Nursing life. But hey, I still got it in full friggin' swing.

Some things never change, eh?

Right now, I wish I just went through the crap they had set out for all of us. Afterall, nothing comes free in this unfair world. Apparently, eight hours of nursing care to 20-40 patients is not enough work to receive a lousy stipend of Php 8000. I know, I know. What an ingrate I am for even daring to blog about this. I should be grateful right? that out of thousands of nurses I was given the chance to be a part of this project. But immaturity is clouding my train of thought right now.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I AM THANKFUL. MORE THAN THANKFUL. I just don't like the case presentation. i know, i know, it's just easy. But I don't like making it.

anyway, i digress.

to where? to what?

I lost what i was thinking.

dang!



okay.

Updates:

I am currently assigned in RHU-ALBUERA with a couple of my co-trainees.

Ate Naknak's off to med school once again. It's the survival of the fittest out there. I hope she survives. Well, we're prayin for her though. AJa!! So we went out to drink and be merry.

New place in town. I hope this place will turn out great.

Singin' salamat. (sa mga donors..lmao)

Thats about it for now. I lost everything. Or everything is rusting whatsoever.


xoxo

Sinulog Fever

Sinulog

Oh how much I love celebrating this Fiesta!

I had so much fun partying with friends and my family.

Bisag ulan, lapuk and basa nako, hala cge, celebrate!

Pit Senyor!

I enjoyed People-watching. Gusto tana ko mgpa-face paint, kaso ulan and I don't want the paint drippin all over my face...

And boy, people were drunk.. hehe

A pitcher of Margaritas for the ladies. and a couple of bottles of GPS.

Nothin beats partyin with family. U can only have enough beer and tequila. ahaha

or so they think.lol

Catchin up with old friends. Partyin like ROckstars.

Like Everything else in this world, nothin lasts forever. Even good things must come to an end. And saying goodbye is inevitable. Back to our normal lives. Reality is calling us back. Til next time.

XOXO,

loidee

more Sinulog Photos here