The probability that I will get it has increased. My chances of getting Colon cancer has increased from 50% to 65%, breast cancer from 25% to 50%. Cancer is not all genetics anymore. It has something to do with lifestyle already. And with a cancer history as mine, I better prepare myself mentally and emotionally.
My first cousin, Vanessa died of leukemia. She was only a kid. And at a young age, she was forced to see life in a different way. I have faint memories of her. All I remembered was how brave she was. How she smiled at life and how she embraced it. She fought cancer with all her might. But life is not that cruel. She is in a better place now.
Being a witness of how cancer affects its patients has taught me some things. Looking at my mother go through her chemotherapy every day for five days a month for a year, how its effects took its toll on her mentally, emotionally and physically and how it affected our family, changed our perspective about life.
At the young age of ten in the year 1997, I have dealt with a lot of loss and trials too colossal for my fragile, growing mind. At that time, I heard of cancer. But I've never really understood it. I knew that some people died and are dying of it. I just never thought that it could occur to any member of my family let alone my own mother. Everything happened too fast. One day we were in Ospa, the next day, they were preparing to leave for Cebu. I never really understood any of it until I reached high school. But I was well aware of the situation. That my mother could die because of it. Young as I was, I found the gravity of the situation too difficult to grasp. I was living in my own world, wherein I thought that death occurs, but to others not to my family. Maybe I thought we were favored by God. Ha-ha. Mga anak sa Ginoo. What can I say, I have always been naive.
I was in the hospital for my mother's surgery. From what I recall, nobody really talked about the gravity of her situation. All I heard was that it's terminal, she had to undergo a series of chemo sessions for a year and had to have herself checked if the cancer was gone. I never saw her cry or lose hope. All I saw was a woman trying to live of what seems to be left of her life. A woman who came back to God and was fighting for her life and at the same time, willing to give it up for us to be cancer-free. It was a bargain that she couldn't get. But what I didn't know until a few weeks back, was that she almost never went through the surgery to remove the tumor. That fact sent shivers down my spine. I could have lost my mother 13 years ago. The mother that I fear with my life. the mother that I tried all my life to please. The mother that I tried so hard to be proud of me. I could have lost her. But I didn't. And I've always known why. She thought of us, of how we would go on living without her. She was our pillar. We depended on her. Who we were, who we have become and what we will become in the future, we owe it to her courage, her will to live, her will to survive, her will to fight cancer. It wasn't only her fight. But it's my family's as well.
Months after my mother's successful operation, my tatay Omy was diagnosed with cancer of the lungs. It was afternoon, Nanay Onon showed me the result of tatay's biopsy, it says, malignant. I was in grade four, malignant was too big a word for me. I didn't even know what it meant. She Just told me that he was dying. I didn't know what to say or do. It's all too much for me to handle. I succumbed to denial. After a few weeks, tatay Omy died of lung cancer. It was the most painful day of my life. He just went into a deep sleep. He opened his eyes only to close them forever. I was heartbroken. I wasn't there when he took his last breath because I ran and told my parents that he already woke up after a day or two of coma. And my heart shattered to pieces when I heard cries and shouts for him to wake up and don't die. It was devastating, I wanted to die. From then on, things have changed. I wasn't really a big fan of change back then. Home didn't feel like home anymore. It looked dark and depressing. It took us weeks to learn to live and smile again.
From then on, I realized that life is like a game of Tong-its, you win some, you lose some. But my family's fight against cancer is not over yet.
My aunt, my mother's younger sister has breast cancer. She had her surgery and chemo when I was still in college. I never really fully grasp the idea that 4 people have cancer in my family. I was in denial. I fear losing a loved one. I don't want to lose a loved one. We owe our sanity to her. When my parents used to fight a lot and my mother would leave my brothers, she was there to take care of them. She stood as their substitute mom. My brothers and I can talk to her about anything. I talk to her even about sensitive topics. And I owe her for what she did for me in college. She is the family's pacifier. And right now, it hurts us to see her get beaten by cancer day after day after day. The immense suffering she is going through now is just cruel. I want to say nobody deserves to suffer like that. But who am I to question God's plans? My family has accepted that it won't be long until Tiya Carmen would join our Creator. And we wouldn't mourn for her but we will rejoice that finally she won't have to suffer the intense pain anymore.
And as for me, if I ever do get cancer, it's like having a fever. Haha. It's our inside joke. Seriously, if I ever have cancer, I would be depressed, I would cry and cry and cry till I have no more tears to shed. And then with God's mercy and my family's love, care and support, I will fight cancer. I will fight as hell to beat it! And if it will beat me, I will shake its hand and say, I put up a great fight, didn't I?
As I've said, life is like a game of tong-its, you win some, you lose some.
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