We're gonna party like it's 2012!!!

Before anything else, I would like to greet my followers, all 4 and the anonymous ones, the curious, the bored and the intrigued, my friends, my families, my neighbors, and everyone else who happen to stumble upon this humble blog of mine a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

What a year 2011 has been. At some points it felt like the end for me. Bad things happened, wrong choices and decisions were made, places were traveled, regrets were made-- but these did not make 2011 a bad year but a challenging one. Sufferings, pains, misery, despair, grief, loss are just part of the package, just like love, happiness, pleasure, among other things. We always have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. This is just how things work in this very complex world we call home. Just like how regret is always at the end of the experience which I believe makes the lesson even more valuable.

What are the things I loved most about 2011?

• For the first time in years, we had a short photoshoot for family portraits last January during our Sinulog Celebration. 

What a palpak picture right? bwahaha i had cough. so sue me.

• My high school barkada which we proudly call the LOIDA'S ANGELS celebrated Valentines together and we welcomed 2 new members, Eric and Lorina.

We had lunch at Pino Restaurant in Lahug, Cebu City

Welcoming two new additions to our family, Eric and Lorina!

• I got to celebrate my birthday thrice this year: with College friends, Guada Family and the LA.

My prebday celebration with College friends at 10 Dove St.

My birthday dinner at Banana Leaf with my Guada Family.

My Post birthday Celebration with my high school friends at Zao and Bryz Bar.

• My college Bff gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last March.

Meet Riley Dione, she's nine months now.

• I got to travel back to Boracay with my brother and his family. Every trip is a different experience.

After riding the Flycat, I mean, Catfish. Oh it's Flyfish. bwahaha

• Also last April, my high school batch mates and I had a mini reunion in Soob Mountain Resort in Albuera.

SPC Batch 2004

• Last May, I was lucky enough to go to Bangkok, Thailand with my parents, my brother's family and his in-laws.

At the Grand Palace on our last day.

• Last June, my nephew Korky and his mom went home for the summer. It had been over 4 years since my brother saw his son. It was heart-warming.

We cried when they saw each other for the first time in four years.

• My cousin got engaged last September and we were required to dance. 

My cousins, nieces and nephew wearing our costumes. 

• My cousin gave birth to her second daughter, Gabrielle Elizabeth last October.

It's amazing how someone this tiny could make you learn how to love unconditionally.

• Gayle, Mikko and I went to CDO and Camiguin for a short break. We learned a lot of lessons during this trip.

White Water Rafting in CDO.

After a morning swim in White Island, Camiguin.

• Gabb was baptized last December and we invited our Leyte family and they came to Cebu to take part in such a very memorable event.

On their last day in Cebu.

Unsa pa ba?

• Na-inlove, Nasakitan.
• Moved on.
• Tweet/Facebook stats misunderstanding.
• Offically afraid of commitment.
• I got admitted sa last few days of the year.
• Became an impromptu host in parties.
• I got to slap to men in one night.

I met a lot of people this year and of course, I also lost a few people. Eventhough I lost few significant people this year, there are replacements man sad. We have new babies and nothing is sweeter than these creatures. 2011 will end in less than 2 hours. It's already January 1, 2012 in Sydney, Australia. 2012, they said it's gonna be the end of the world. Ready namu? We have to be because we really can't afford to be in the million dollar ark they built in the movie. The poor always dies first. haha just kidding. 2012 na. I'm gonna be 25 in a couple of months. 25 and I still haven't achieved my goals. Haay what a disappointment.

Now that's over and done with, should I proceed with the ones I hate or wish didn't happen? For those who know me know what have happened to my family the past year. It's heartbreaking and sad and there were nights when I wish that I could change the way things were. But life moves forward, not back. There's just no rewinds and all we have to do is to make things right, do what makes us happy and live each day like there's no tomorrow. 

Let's just let the past stay in the past. Life is meant to be lived in the present. There's nothing left to do but do our best and hope for a better outcome the next day.

But I will forever remain hopeful. I will continue to love life no matter how many problems, trials whatsoever it throws at me. I will continue to be positive. 

To the people who never left me this year, thank you so much. You're constant support has been my constant source of strength. Without you, living would be the most difficult thing ever in this world. Let's make 2012 better than this year, okay? Lezgo make memories!!!

Let's welcome New year with a happy heart and a clean mind!

May your New Year be as wonderful as the last!

May God bless us all!

xoxo,

dee

Walang karapatan ang mga dukhang tulad ko.

12.30.11 in my room

“You think you just want to die, when in reality, you just want to be saved.”

I am not suicidal. But sometimes, when facing a bajillion of problems, a combination of personal, health and financial, dying and death seem like the best way to go. It’s the coward’s way out. It’s not so much as you couldn’t take the problems anymore but I think it’s more of not having the courage to face whatever tomorrow brings. Maybe so, because of not having enough hope. Hopeless na jud. If you are poor and you have cancer, death seems like the most appropriate solution rather than be buried in a gazillion of pesos in debt because in truth, tramadol, nubain and morphine could only last so long.

As for me, I have been a PT for over a year now waiting for this something to actually take place, that sometimes I feel like the female version of Juan Tamad, just waiting for that damn guava to fall. Of course, I know that that damn guava will never ever fall until I pick it off the damn tree. The thing about being a professional tambay is that, I have no income whatsoever. Mothers, Mothers-to-be, do me the greatest favor and teach your children how to be kuripot or at least the basics of saving moolah. I do not have any concept of Saving 101 whatsoever. Yes, ako na ang pinakawalay kwenta na babae sa balat ng lupa. Seriously, I am very much ashamed of my lack of saving skills. But to at least give myself some credit, I am not a one-day millionaire. I try to keep my money where it is for longer than a month. But there are just some things that a person like me can’t live without.

I am currently in a state of war with my gallbladder, which has been terrorizing me sporadically over a year now. I want it evicted. So now, I am scheduled to have a surgery that will remove it inside me. Here’s the big BUT. I wish I could go bigger than that but oh well. BUT, we are poor. We don’t have money to pay for my surgery. We are accepting donations now. Mwahaha

“Ako po’y nanawagan sa mga taong may malalambot na puso na kami po ay handogan nang tulong pinansyal para sa aking nalalapit na operasyon. Maraming-maraming salamat po.”

You may be wondering why my English is sort of good. Well, it did not start this good. Mwahaha You should read my grade 4 essays about Snow White and all those lucky women who snatched all the handsome princes. At the end of my articles, you would be left with the question: Did she? Or didn’t she? Or was it he?

Kani laging mga buot-buoton na mga bata. Magpataka lang ug English.

Oh yes I am off topic once again. I was able to study in a private school in the City which was basically one of the cheapest compared to the schools in the big, big cities in this big, big world. Our tuition fee was like Php450/month when I was in grade 6. It did not exceed Php750. And pwede pang mag-promisory note for 3months. Oh diba, private school. Mwahahaha

So yes, my parents could afford to send my brothers and me to school however, they already graduated college when I started school so the expenses were not tambak together. But now tragedies have struck us this year and the years passed that we are currently in Broke State so as most of the people in our place. Imagine, even buying rice was like swimming upstream in the rapids. EFFORT.

EFFORT to the max.

Then here I am with my gallbladder problem. BITTER ang life ko. Ang paet. Gallbladder nga, ang paet.

Then I would feel like regretting some life choices. But then does it help pay the hospital bills? The anesthesiologist? The Surgeon?

I really feel like giving myself a good kicking until I breathe no more.

This is just an expression. “Maypa mamatay na lang ko kaysa malubong sa utang ug sa utang kabubut-on.“

But I really believe that I could do great things, IN GOD’S TIME. Sometimes his time is way different than us. And we cannot be patient enough. Gusto natoh always NOW nah!

But we really have to make a lot of sacrifices in order for us to attain these great things.

Sometimes I wonder since I have never been lucky in the love department, that maybe I should just sacrifice that. AHhhhh screw love life. Let’s go marry the next dying rich man from La la land. You see they have been urging me to do just that (marry someone not like us. LOL.) Since high school. A few people in the Philippines really put foreigners in a pedestal. They’re considered the savior and the Pinay the Heroine. Saving them from the financial quicksand. Then there I was, fresh from a broken heart, still mesmerized by Happily Ever After, brainwashed by all those novels, movies and fairytales, still wanted to find that one man that will sweep me off my calloused feet, I would tell them to go to hell and I will not sacrifice anymore because I studied this and that blah blah blah. Now where did my Bachelor’s degree take me and the rest of my batch? To Tambayhood and call centers. (No offense to the call center agents. This is reality my friends. We studied to be medical people but there’s just no room for us here in the Pelepens anymore.) Things, thoughts, feelings and perspectives really do change over time. I want to work, any work will do. I could be a janitress. But I am not good in cleaning. I could be a stewardess but I am not blessed with the right body type and I am vertically challenged. Mag-yaya na lang jud ko ani.

Mommies? Anyone? I’m cheap. Just feed me and give me a place to sleep in. I’m all-good, really. I don’t even complain.

Now back to the matter at hand, my gallbladder. I wish you would just sublimate saving my family and I the financial burden you would surely bestow upon us.

We’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha

And, to those who are also in the same state as we are, moral support is also needed. I need someone to watch me while still lethargic and groggy, I don’t want to fall off the bed. To my would-be visitors, visit me a couple of days after my surgery when I am not under anesthesia anymore. I need to see your faces vividly because I will forever consider that as debt of gratitude. I don’t forget the people who helped, are helping and will be helping me. Even the briefest of visits so long as it’s sincere will always be appreciated. Watch out mo pag makasurvive ko ani na surgery and madato nako, sus, tagaan ta jud mo ug 1 bar of Dove, 1 bar of chocolate and one towel/t-shirt/cap.

And to those people whose shadows I won’t see, make sure I won’t ever see you A-GEN. You will be forgotten and ignored. No excuses, no nothings. I would rather you weather the heavy rain and flood just to see me than not see me because you want to drink and be merry. No fair-weathered friends allowed. I have a lot of those. God will take care of you. I don’t require anyone to bring food because I won’t be able to eat it anyway; your presence is what I desire the most. The people I know who would stick by me is far away so I understand and you have expressed whatever it is you wanted already. I understand. Ako pa, I was trained well to understand, to feel, and to try to step into other people’s shoes. And to those who have expressed their worries, well-wishes and concerns through calls, texts, tweets and private messages: I APPRECIATE YOU ALL. It’s nice to know that people still do care about other people other than themselves. KUDOS!  And to those who have sacrificed and will sacrifice their time to stay with me in the hospital, I owe you a lot. I will never ever forget that. And to those who did not even ask if I’m still alive, oh well.

I trust my surgeons well enough to wear panties. BWAHAHAHAHA

Again, we’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha.

On a serious note:

Please do pray for my successful operation and speedy recovery and that no complications whatsoever would arise pre-op, intra-op and post-op and that God would bless us with even more blessings and less tragedies come 2012.

Good vibes!
May God bless us all with what we deserve and need.

What do guys think of my unibrow? bwahahaha Reminds me of that blonde girl in Hey, Arnold! I hope you finished reading my post laughing.

Good night y'all.

Admitted.

12.31.11 Room 210

It’s really true that the best ideas and the best choices/decisions occur and are made in the bathroom. A few minutes ago, while I was washing the plate I used for dinner something occurred to me. And at the same time, I realized that it was rather out of desperation that that thing even dare occur inside my head.

**This is my first time to be admitted in the hospital. Imagine my anxiety when it comes to needles being inserted into my skin. Yes, I am a nurse but it doesn’t mean that I am immune to irrational fears of needles and the like. But, my first time didn’t mean traumatic experience. Neither IV insertion nor blood extraction hurt. Even the antibiotic administration, which I thought was a bit painful, didn’t. I was a bit groggy from my IV antibiotic. I was drifting from consciousness to unconsciousness and was in between mild to moderate pain, which was a long way from what I had experienced a few hours back. And the pain reliever did not totally alleviate the pain. There was no comfortable position and I had been on supine position for hours. I was the least of a talker the whole day yesterday. No amount of back rub or any diversional activity could ever relieve me of my pain.

**This pain attack could have occurred at a better time, just enough for it to heal. Haay naku. I have something important to do back in Cebu and we really don’t need something else to put our nonexistent money into. Seriously, this confinement and impending operation is really not part of out 6-month plan. This is like at the top of my never-ending debt to society. I better look for that wealthy man who’s willing to pay for all of my utang. Haha

**My admission outfit is my father’s loose white t-shirt and my ratty old leggings. What can I say, I was in pain yesterday and this was all I could get my hands on with what’s left of my strength. Nakakahiya. Seriously. Imagine my embarrassment when I saw the holes in my leggings. Bwahaha. Another thing, performing daily routines is made really difficult with IVF. I thought taking a bath was easy breezy. NOT. Even taking off my leggings and panties was like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. EFFORT kaayo. Plus the horror stories you hear in hospitals. GAWD. Which makes going to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee the most challenging of all. White walls, white tiles and gray-ish lighting are the perfect elements of a horror film. I could just imagine someone lurking behind the shower curtains. Mwahahaha.

**So on my last night, I was bored and what else could we do? We transformed ourselves to Betty la Fea-ish creatures. Bwahahaha. Unibrows, anyone?

Wala nako’y masulti pa. Me already! Pinakawala’y kwenta na na-admit sa hospital. Hahaha Hinilak before gi-hookan ug IV ug  pagdecide na magpa-opera. Me already! Ako na! AKo na jud!

I am more than grateful

Gone were the days when I used to raise hell when I didn't have new clothes, new shoes, new bags, new gadgets, new everything. I have come to terms with not having anything new once in awhile. I don't know how this enlightenment (or so I call it) occured.

All I know is that I am even more humbled thinking about what is happening in Mindanao and here I was living just above the comforts of everyday life (sans money) and in a way, worrying about what I should wear to the parties I'm going to attend.At one point, it did not seem right at all.

It's perfectly normal for us, humans to want things. We are insatiable beings, after all. But it also won't hurt a lot if we stop what we're doing for a moment and look at what's happening to our fellow Filipinos. If only I could do anything to ease their sufferings, I would. It's times like these that I wish I have a better job, more wealth-- just so I could help them.

Last night, before I succumbed to sleep, I prayed to God to keep us from harm's way. Not because I don't want to lose whatever's left of my gadgets, documents or any prized possessions. But because I can't bear to see people suffer. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be strong for yourself. But it takes more than that to be strong for everybody else.

And it also takes a little compassion and sensitivity to try and help.

At this point in time, I'm not even sure if prayer is enough. But I'm choosing to believe that it is more than enough. Situations, may it be good or bad, planned or surprising, are God's way of sending us a message. For us, hundreds, thousands of death is just not right, especially seeing kids' lifeless bodies. And we can not deny the fact that sometime while this tragedy is happening and as the number of deaths rise, we ask Him why this has to happen.

They said that things happen to build our characters, to give us insights-- in other words, something good always comes out of the bad, even the worst.

I choose to believe that there is something good that would come out of this tragic event. It may be impossible at this point to even think of something that is at least comforting to those who have lost a lot at this time of year. But I believe that there will come a time when all these would become clear to everyone.

Questioning, doubting and even becoming angry is unavoidable. But let's also keep in mind that in spite of the loss, we are still alive. The least we could do for those who have gone ahead is to pray for their souls.

And also to live. To appreciate that we are given another chance at life and we should make it right.

People have just lost their homes, their families, their lives. With that, some also lost their hope, their faith, their joy.

And here we are.

It's a big leap from where they are placed in the order of things.

And we considered ourselves unlucky for not having the best of everything.

Life is after all a matter of perspective.

I am lucky to be alive and be surrounded by the people I love and in spite of the tragedies my family faced this year, we are still living comfortably, at the very least.

Remember December

My family came here in Cebu to attend Gabbie's baptism. We toured them around the city and let them experience some of the things we do here. One thing they were excited about was going to Rainforest Park Cebu. An activity park which my college friend and her family owns. They really had a great time and I'm glad we brought them there. I took clips of the different activity but I was not able to get everything on video since I was the only one taking the shots. But this is enough to document that fun night.

Enjoy the video guys!

I will be posting some clips from Gabbie's baptism. I am still looking for the perfect song.

xoxo,

dee

A plethora of thoughts and feelings

Sort of.

Inhaling the cold Cebuano air.

hmmmm.

It may not be the cleanest as of the moment but it sure does make me feel something I thought I won't feel. 

Christmas Spirit.

We went to Starbucks at Club Ultima and as usual or as long as I could remember, it's almost always packed. Oh how I missed hanging out at cafes. There's something about these places that I love. It makes me feel calm and it brings out another side of me. I love observing other people. Not panghimantay, mind you, but observing, how they do life. Or their habits. It's like watching a reality tv show unfolding. 

Anyway, naa ko'y feeling na wala na sad ni kwenta na post but oh well. Padayon.

Germaine had her first communion yesterday. I don't quite remember mine. Just bits and pieces. I think tapad gihapon mi ni Irene and Jessica ato. I'm not quite sure. Maka-remember ko naa'y isa ka song na naa'y actions then I would hit them intentionally. haha. Lageh, joker na jud ko, sa una pa. haha pero pikon pa ko atoh na time. Mao bitaw gi-anggaan kog Tigre/Tiger sa una sa amo mga silingan. Kaila mog saputon ug temper tantrum? Murag ako gapa-uso ana sa una. haha 

At a young age, I never took it as a joke. I knew and I am aware of the seriousness of this "celebration". I think because I studied in a Catholic school and our teachers pretty much told us every chance they got that we should not take this lightly. And they're right. The communion is sacred and it's something to be respected.

A few weeks back, I could see that she was really excited for her first communion and when the day finally came, I felt like a mother whose child is graduating college. Haha I get so emotional when it comes to things like these: communion, graduation, recitals, etc. Haaay naku, pida jud ning mga Pisces, sobra ka OVER ang emotions. Or basin tungod kay I'm PMS-ing.

I made a video out of the clips I took yesterday. I'm no James Cameron or Steven Spielberg. I'm just a girl trying to make something memorable for the next generation. I think this matters more than any material thing. This lasts longer than any Barbie Doll. haha Or maybe I'm just broke. Boo. It's still uploading on YouTube. 

Anyway, I've been looking at cheap video cameras online because I really want to make videos of anything and everything. It's more fun to edit videos than still photos. Bitaw, nauwat ko. I'm planning to shoot a video with my cousins this weekend. I can't wait! Even Germaine is excited to shoot one. I hope we'd push through with it. 

Internet sucks tonight. Kung hinay na kaayo ang bao mukamang, labaw pa ning internet. Mas hinay pa's snail. Makaliki! I've been trying to upload the video since 5pm. Atleast karon it's 90%. I hope I won't get disconnected. DMD na.

YES! It's processing! Na-feel nako na ni-open ang langit daun naay special lighting na gipatungod nako karon! haha OA jud. Oa na. Maraming Oa na jud. I'll include the link here or the video itself, don't judge. haha SO it's done but it's muted since the songs I used are copyrighted. Boo. Now it's like watching a silent movie minus Charlie Chaplin. 

Kana ganing feeling na ready na tanan imo gamit then wala diay kay kuyog sa outing? KANA. Mao na ako na-feel karon.

good vibes.. good vibes.. good vibes.. 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2.......1!

I'm calm now.
Here is the link of the video. Vimeo, such a lifesaver! 

On the lighter side of things.

More than a couple of months ago, an angel came into our lives. And most of you know her. She's Gabbie and even before she was born, I knew that she would become special to me. I am in love with this girl just like I fell in love with Germaine. Gi-feel jud nako na siya amo own Renesmee, so cute and and smart for her age (in bisaya, DAKUG BUOT.) just like her Ate Germs. We went out to have dinner somewhere fancy and we brought her along. Lisod sad kaayo if amo ra siya ibilin sa balay na siya ra noh? Lisod ra sad kaayo. Haha Joker kaayo ko karon noh? LOL 

She's two months already.

She can carry her head, she smiles and she's learning about the adorable separtion anxiety.

She used to cry everytime we bathe her but now, when she's just sitting pretty in her cute pink seat in her bath tub, she enjoys her bath time na. I also made a video of her and posted it on YouTube. I'm so smitten. Haha I have so much love to give and the recipients of this love are kids. Maybe I should have a lovelife. Accepting applicants now. bwahaha

Let's go back to the Christmas spirit topic. My love life is too complicated because of the lack of love sa life. haha Christmas. Noche Buena. Family Gatherings. Christmas Parties. Gift-giving. Godchildren. Mutago nako. I have like 16 of them. I am unemployed. Now, what am I supposed to give them this Christmas? Pwede utang lang sa? Pwede mubawi next year? Promise. Haha Anyway, I'm pretty sure everyone saw the Coca-Cola video that sent 3 Pinoys home to see there family that they haven't seen in years. I CRIED!  I really did. I easily cry but regardless. Here's the link just click here. This could be me years from now. I am an extrovert but when it comes to future plans, I just keep them to myself because I don't want to count the chicks before the eggs hatch. I can't wait to leave and work and make my family happy, make their lives comfortable. Seeing them happy would make me happy. 

And in light of the Christmas season and feelings.

As December starts and Christmas draws near, I feel a little bit of sadness, a great deal of pain, and a whole year of unexplanable grief and regret. 

Imagine Pasko ko na Sinta ko playing in the background....

Looking back at the things and people I've lost this year.

Looking back at the things I had this time last year.

Looking back at what changed.

Looking at the present and see what has not.

Kung mawawala ka

Sa piling ko, sinta 

Paano ang Paskong 

Alay ko sa 'yo.

Nang Inday. Tiya Carmen. Lolo Odon. Noy Dodz. 

The last three prepared us for the impending loss last year. Death has always been inevitable. I've said this before and I'm saying this again, nobody prepared us for Nang Inday's death. Nine months have passed and somehow, time hasn't healed the wound nor lessened the pain. No matter how I try to put the memories at the very back of my head and to put my feelings aside, pain and grief always find a way to make their presence known, especially this time of the year. Wala ju'y adlaw na dili ko makahuna-huna nila. Sobra ra kasakit ang ila pagkawala bisan pa ug naka-prepare mi. Some might say that this display of loss and pain is too much. Maybe it is. But this is the only way I can express my feelings. Dili ko ganahan makig-storya sa ako family because I don't want to get this heavy emotions out to burden them. After all that we've been through this year, I think it's just fair for us to have at least a happy Christmas. And it all depends on each one of us. 

Now, I am inspired to have a very merry Christmas! I choose to be Happy. :D

xoxo,

dee

P.S.

If you don't understand some of the things I've written, feel free to send me a message and I will translate them for ya. Thanks!

I want to be alone... sometimes.

I only went out of the house today for the sole reason of bringing Germaine lunch. Then, it occurred to me to just go to the mall and have a much needed foot scrub and pedicure. With all that's been happening in my life, or the lack thereof, I just felt the need to have all these dead skin cells scrubbed off.
Also, with all the things that I do everyday, getting a pedicure is almost a luxury. I am not a busy girl, I just have a few things on my plate these days. Taking care of a baby is not easy, I tell you.  Sometimes we just need all the help we can get.
At first, I was thinking of getting my hair done, have a haircut or whatever then a pedi. But as I looked at my feet, I changed my priorities. My hair can survive another week. So I maybe having my hair cut next week. MAYBE.
So I went to SDR. It's a bit pricey, their foot scrub + pedi package, compared to other salons. As the foot scrub started, I felt relaxed and calm. But not for long. Most of the time, I was controlling my foot from jerking and myself from breaking into giggles.
Ahhhh. The wonder that is foot scrub.
Although this was an impromptu salon trip, right then and there I realized that I need to pamper myself once in awhile. I get a mani-pedi regularly but those other treatments I don't. So I really consider this as an indulgence. Trust me, I opt for hair color treatment more than those facials, scrubs, massages, etc.
Sometimes, I just forget how relaxing these things are. Now I'm thinking of getting a whole body massage real soon. My back feels so stiff from all the carrying and walking.
This day became ME-day. After I went to Sykes, I treated myself some more. I went to SB and bought Mocha Frappe and as I was walking around the mall, I passed by Auntie Anne's, I've been dying to try their pretzels. I bought their best seller, the cinnamon sugar.
It did not disappoint. I was expecting it to be crispy, biscuit-like, just like the pretzels were used to. But it's soft, like donuts, more like siakoy. While I was enjoying my treats, I realized that I really love going out alone. I enjoy the perks it gives. No rush. No talking. Just me, myself and I.
And as much as I want alone time, I also enjoy having impromptu chika sessions with old friends. Arianne, a friend from high school, saw me at Auntie Anne's. We sat and talked for awhile. It felt good to reconnect with old friends. They make us realized just how much has changed since then. And what's funny is that, along with the changes, you'd also see that a lot has stayed the same.
I used to hate change. But as I grow older, I learned to accept it as it comes. Hate it or love it, I don't really have a choice but to accept it.

xoxo,
dee

P.S.
This waiting thing sure is crappy. :'(

A Trip Down South.

It has been years since I had been to Mindanao. Now, after 8 years of being away from the south, an invitation to spend a few days in Cagayan de Oro was just something not to say no to. Well, at first I did since I have no money, to start with. But I guess God is so good to those who are good. (No, I am not kidding.) I also want to take this opportunity to thank the people responsible for this trip. I have taken it upon myself not to include their names for their privacy and protection. Nevertheless, the trip was possible because of your goodness.

Supposedly, there were five of us. J, however, was not replying to any of our messages. Then a couple of days before our departure, T bailed out. So it was just us, G and M. With these changes, I guess it was also fitting to change our plans. 

Our flight to CDO was 4:15pm, due to personal reasons, it took us forever to get to the airport, thus, we weren't allowed to check-in and board our plane 30 minutes before the flight. Boo-hoo, right?

After so much deliberation, we decided to just take the boat to CDO. It was either that or just go home. Deep within me, I didn't want to go home. My mind was set for a break, even for a short one. We then boarded the only trip to CDO. We arrived around 5 in the morning. We had our breakfast at McDo and waited for our river guide.

Looking back now, though most of the time, is a blur. I guess I was really tired and sleepy at that time. Cagayan is a beautiful place early in the morning, mainly because of its fresh air, clean streets and that simple life feel it gives us. However, it gets uglier later in the day, especially if you put in "swapang" drivers, a thousand motorela (looks like Thailand's tok-tok), bad, bad traffic and poorly-lit roads.

Comparing this place to other towns and cities would be an insult. But to give you all a better description as to what the place was like, a comparison would be the best way to go. It is like a combination of Ormoc, Tacloban and Baybay minus the drivers who would charge you Php 100 for a Php50 ride or plus Php50 to your metered fare or Php300 to a Php200 taxi ride. Other than that, the place is beautiful.

We spent the entire morning white water rafting. At first I was apprehensive since I am afraid of falling off the raft or encountering snakes and crocodiles. Call me paranoid and psychotic, I really have irrational fears. As we went down the river, I realized that my fears were useless. The rafting was totally safe. It does not even matter if you don't know how to swim, the life vest would take care of that. 

This was the second time we were allowed to swim in the water. See, I conquered my irrational fear of swimming in still fresh waters.

It was one of the best experiences in my entire life. I really had a great time paddling down the river. The rapids were very challenging and exciting. I really thought I would fall over and be laughed at everyone in the raft but I didn't. 

After we had lunch, we were on our way to the island of Camiguin. we were on the road for about 2 hours and over an hour of ferry ride to the island itself and another 30 minutes on the road again to reach Mambajao. We looked for a place to stay in, had dinner and went to the hot springs to relax our tensed muscles.

 We went to the famous (sort of) White Island early the next day. We took a swim for a few minutes then went back to town to have breakfast and buy pasalubong.

Camiguin was disappointing. This trip to the place was disappointing. This, however, maybe due to the lack of time. Maybe if we got to spend atleast a couple of days there, maybe, just maybe we could have given this very simple island a chance to earn a place in our hearts, even at the bottom. I realized that there is so much of the place we did not see. Should I go back? Maybe, give or take ten years from now. 

I've always thought and believed that traveling brings about a sense of learning to the traveler. May it be common knowledge or learning more about one's self or thy companion/s. I've had my share of travels and travel companions. I have traveled with family, friends, neighbors and strangers. Each is different from the other, as I've said. And I will not tackle on that. 

This trip has made me see more about my life. 

What I want.

What I need.

What I have.

What I don't have.

What I tolerate.

I also realized that in every situation in my life, I always see the glass as half-full. I've always thought that I have a breaking point. That someday, somehow, I will succumb to pessimism and disappointment. 

And realizing now, I just can not put everything in my mind and heart here. I guess I really have to put boundaries/limitations in my posts. I am not quite sure if I understand the responsibilities of blogging. i have yet to be aware of that. 

Anyway.

All in all, this was definitely a trip worth remembering.

For more information about the trip, please check out my other blog.

What Am I Thankful For? 2011

Blogging about the things I am thankful for has become an annual tradition for me. I blogged about it 2008, 2009 and 2010. (The one in 2008 is not really about what I'm thankful for.) And more or less, I am grateful for the same things. Or people.

• My family. 
• My friends. 
• My life and the lives of the people close to my heart. Whether it's a healthy life or not.
• The usual things. Like problems/challenges/trials, opportunities/chances, new things/people, experiences/lessons, expectations/disappointments.

Then there are those things that not all people were given this year that I was.

• Chance to do some traveling. 

Traveling always leaves a sense of fulfillment in me everytime I come home. There's always that sense of satisfaction. The places I've traveled to may not be as glamourous compared to other people's but still the experience of being in a different place, immersing in a different culture and hearing a language so far from what I know is beyond anything else. I always learn a lot from traveling and somehow, you just can't share that learning to people unless they traveled with you or the same way. Traveling with friends and family is different from each other. And it's not where you're going that matters, it's the people you travel with. Trust me, it makes a whole of difference.

Boracay and Bangkok: Thank you so much to my brother and his family. You inspire me. I hope I could also do the same for you and our family.

• Deaths and Loss.

If you know me, or at least have been reading my blog this year, you'd know about the deaths in my family. It's not something to be proud of. Grief and loss are not the things that I take pride in. But it's the way I overcome them. Losing the ones we love through dying is by far the most painful way because we just know that they're not coming back anymore and each death leaves the kind of fear that would sometimes keeps us from living. And also the kind of fear that would always make us question God what's or who's next. Looking back the past nine months is never easy. Each loss brings about a different pain and a different perspective. Now, why am I thankful for death? Simply because I look at death as an escape, a relief from everything that this world offers. But I am not encouraging anyone to go kill themselves. It's a relief to those who have been suffering long enough that you just couldn't bear to see them alive and in a great deal of pain or to those who have been here long enough to see a great difference between the world he was born into and the world he would leave behind. But what about those who were killed? My heart still aches for her and I just know it'd take a very long time to heal. As much as I want to see the glass as half-full it just doesn't seem right at all. If there is anything that I've learned from that ordeal is that we should never take the ones we love for granted and that we should not wait for a special day to tell them how much they mean to us. Why? Because no matter how healthy we are or how safe our lives are, we just don't own tomorrow. 

This year was a year of loss for me. I lost a lot of great people.  But it doesn't mean that it's the end of the line for me, too. I am still here, alive and kicking. If there's any good that has ever come out of this year it's that it's also a year of hope for me. I've always thought that loss always teaches us to hope. To hope for better things to come after a few bad things. To hope for the loved ones who have gone ahead to be in a better place than they were before. To hope for better opportunities after losing the good ones. To hope for salvation. To hope that there is really a light at the end of every tunnel. To hope that every dark or gray cloud has a silver lining. To hope that there is a life waiting for us somewhere. To hope that we could make our wildest dreams come true.

To hope.

But as they say, you can't lose something without gaining another.
Or.
If a door closes, another one opens.

• Babies.

No. I am not pregnant with quadruplets. I just look like I am. bwahaha. People close to me were expecting and still are expecting. So what to expect when they're expecting? 

Babies. What cute creatures. Oh yes, they're quite adorable and charming and one just can't resist but talk gibberish when you find yourselves face to face with such chubby cheeks, et cetera. Imagine: a goo goo ga ga.

Babies are life-changing creatures of God. And I am glad that I could be a part of these new babies' lives.

I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for and I will eternally be grateful to the Big Guy up there for everything and also to the people around me. Thank you so much!

I also want to take this chance to thank everyone for the support (for my blogs, photos) and most especially in taking part of the cause I am currently fighting for, the Feeding Program. And also for the people who are always there for me, to love, to support, to care and most of the time, to just be there for me. Aaaaand for understanding how my mind works, how my mouth talks and how my mood swings like the very unpredictable Leyte weather. 

I would love to just put the names of the people responsible for making this year bearable despite of but it would seem unfair to those I would forget. So, you guys know who you are and what you did,  A BIG THANK YOU!!! I would give back, as soon as I can. I know you don't require that I will but I want to. Being a recipient of the kind of goodness people are capable of is very enlightening. Being who I am has made me see a different perspective of everything and I will forever be grateful for everything that has happened in my life, for having what I have and not having what I don't, for knowing the real meaning of humility, for understanding what debt of gratitude truly means, and for being able to put myself in the shoes of other people and being able to understand where they're coming from.  These, I am truly thankful for. Not the clothes I have or the shoes or the bags. The ones that don't get old.

Once again, thank you and it has been my greatest pleasure to have you all in my life!

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

I am psychotic.

Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Cholelithiasis. In layman's term, it is the presence of stones (not the stones we find on the ground) in the gallbladder. Sa Binisaya pa, naay bato ang apdo. Cholelithiasis, Gallstones, etc., they're the same thing.

How did I found out?
Unlike some people who found out accidentally, I actually had pain attacks related to the presence of stones in my gallbladder.
The pain started as a mild cramping and I was constantly burping then it progressed to hyperacidity-type of pain. Until it became intense and the pain radiated to my back and shoulders that breathing was almost impossible to do. And mind you, there was no comfortable position. Nagtuwad-tuwad nako and I tried being my own personal nurse but somehow the pain made it impossible for me to really think straight. I took 3 or 4 Buscopan meds to no avail. I even submitted myself to traditional hilot which I think was the sole reason for causing my gallbladder to inflame.
Ang sakit gani kay ang type na magtikasakit bisag wala kay gibuhat. Obviously, if you're in pain, you don't want to talk or to move or to do anything. My parents were scared, I think they were because they constantly checked on me and I would just look at them pretending that I was not in terrible pain eventhough I was on my bed reduced to a ball with a pillow between my thighs and belly and was sweating profusely. They kept on asking me if it was really painful. If I had the energy, I would have said, Dili, Dili. ganahan ra ko magtuwad-tuwad ron. But then, I did not so I just nodded and cried. It was a Sunday so clinics are closed.
I waited for the pain to lessen and it did, sort of. I fell asleep on a High-Fowler's position and I woke up feeling like I never slept at all. I was exhausted as hell and the pain came back more painful than it ever was. I was alone and I scared and I just have to have myself check. Kinahanglan na jud. Yes, I'm scared of check-ups. Mahadlok ko that the doctor would say that, you have this and that and that you only have less than a month to live.
Oa na kung oa. Pero mahadlok ko magkasakit terminally. You know the type of sickness that requires  massive amounts of money for treatment because obviously, just hearing the name of that sickness is enough to send me to cardio-pulmonary arrest.
In all honesty, I really don't want to have the kind of sickness that would prevent me from making my plans a reality. Yes, it won't be technically the end of my life if I won't be able to fulfill my dreams and goals but what could I do? Continue being a PT or a PAL? I just couldn't go on living like that.
Do you guys remember my death and dying FB posts last June/July 2010? That was the time when I had my attacks. I really thought my life would end six months after my diagnosis.
FYI: DILI MAKAMATAY ANG GALLSTONES.
Oa lang jud ko. You can't really blame me, knowing some of the diseases/illnesses/health conditions, dili lalim ui. Having a background is enough for me to go bananas.
Dili jud bagay nako magkasakit. I would lock myself in my room, write about my thoughts and feelings and fears, I would pray to God asking for another chance at life, I would cry myself to sleep and when I wake up, I would cry again. Then I would go out of my room and smile like nothing is wrong with my brain. The thing is, I would keep these concerns in my head because everytime I say it out loud, the surer I am that I am really dying or that I really have the disease.
Luag-luag jud siguro ni ako screws. or di kaha naa jud koy diyes sa ilok. hahaha

wa ko kasabot nganong ngblog ko ani. Maybe because nakuyawan lang ko para ugma. :'( please help pray for my health. na I'm healthy as a horse. :D

Thank you so much for praying!

xoxo,
dee

I am Super Daloidoi

*Disclaimer:
The title is irrevelant with the post. I just couldn't think of a better title.

In my previous entry, I said that I MIGHT not be coming back due to some personal reasons. But after so much contemplation, I decided to just brush it off, move on and blog again. I just can't stay away from blogging. We are so connected that it's almost a relationship.
Anyway.
What did I learned from my two-week hiatus? A lot, actually. The things that have happened, the words that have been said, and the feelings I have felt the past couple of weeks have been incomparable. These things made me learn a lot of things about myself, my friends and everyone else around me. There were days when I would just sit in a corner of an empty cafe and just think about things-- how it affected, how I reacted and how can I make things better.
Last night, as I was editing and making a video, I realized just how important my friends are to me. They are not just a bunch of people whom I grew up and shared a lot memories with. They are those people who have become a part of who I am. There would never be a Daloidoi if it weren't for them.
I guess I was just too consumed with my emotions that I was even willing to let go of that one particular friendship. But now that I have given it a lot of thought, I realized that it's not always necessary to end things just because that person has hurt us. Sometimes, it's important to just not be proud and just forgive. Think of those harsh words as things of the past eventhough they hurt like daggers to my heart. For me, friendship is always about giving out chances. Not like in Romantic Relationships, for me, enough na ang One Chance not ONE MORE CHANCE. Ahhh bitter? No, of course. That's my lame attempt at humor, actually.
So I decided to just let. it. go. Let go of the pain. Oh yes, I felt the pain. I felt it til I got sick of it. But I don't think I will be able to forget it for awhile. Ikaw daw kuno insultuhon ug taman, makalimot ba ka. Mayg gihapak sa ulo kay ma-amnesia, dba? hahaha
You know, letting go and moving on is a process, a long one at that. Sometimes, well, most of the time, it's a slow and painful process. But more often than not, it ends happily.
Friends fight. Sometimes they ignore each other, call each other nasty words, and all those things friends do. But at the end of the day, we all come back to each other.

Husto na ang drama, lezgo to updates.

I've already tried Phoebe's Cupcakery and they're AWESOME! Click on the name to read my review.

• I've been to Macaron Tango Cafe thrice last week. When I'm sad, I eat. So there.
• I also went to Bittersweet Pastry Shop to try out two of their cupcakes. My review is still on the works. I've been really preoccupied lately. :D But I already posted photos on my Facebook Page, Through my lens.
• I don't know what's gotten into me but I've been trying to make a vlog. HUMAAAAAYGAHD. I am so bad at it. But I will try and try until I will make a decent enough vlog. hahaha
• Less than one week and I still haven't told my mother about this trip I'm about to have. I'm sensing a Boracay Part Two Yawyaw mode from Inahan. haha
• Gabbie has grown! She weighs almost 5 kilos and she's heavy, I tell you. BUYAG! She has her preferences, mind you. And with her, I got to sing and dance. She even got Irene to sing Eency, Weency Spider last Sunday. For more Gabbie pics, just click here. :-)

• Anyway, meet-ups of online shops in Ayala has been prohibited. :D naks! prohibited jud. It took me longer than I used to with meeting up with sellers since they are not allowed to hold transaction within the mall premises. I was walking all over the mall to meet-up with sellers. There goes my moolah. Ka-ching! Now I'm more broke than before. Maybe I should start eating noodles. Haha as if. :D

I guess that's it for now. Thanksgiving is next week so expect a post from me but I think I will post either earlier or later na lang. I have a lot to be thankful for this year aside from my family and friends and for the food I have eaten this year, hmmm. it's gonna be a shorter but very heartfelt one.

Anyway, I had a vain moment earlier this afternoon while I was trying to make a vlog. I love how I did my brows today. Although it's not perfect but I love it nonetheless. Having a lot of time to do this really did make a difference.

XOXO, dee

This could be goodbye...

Like most bloggers, my blog is my outlet. Most people use their blogs as a place where they can express their feelings, whatever they may be. Somehow, talking about it makes human beings feel better or it can help gain understanding. Some use it as a scrapbook about their travels, or their favorite things and hobbies. I use it to write about what's on my mind, how and what I feel and everything else.

I have always been open about my thoughts. There 's something about transparency that I like, especially when it comes to people who are close to me. They (people close to me) know that i have negative attitudes and i am also aware that they know I have positive ones.  I just hope that they see more goodness in me than badness. 

Due to a recent event, I am now having second thoughts about blogging and other forms of expressions. It's not because "nadala" nako but because I am truly hurt by the words said. Never in a million years did I think that a friend would say those words, even in jest. The insults hurt but what hurts more is that it was based on assumptions/presumptions/misconstrued facts. And you know what hurts the most? She was supposed to be my friend.

I am not doing this to make her look bad or to spite her. I am doing this to let my feelings out because not only am I angry but I am also hurt to the point that I feel like exploding. The pain is great, tantamount to being rejected, to being betrayed.

I guess conflicts in friendships are unavoidable, especially if there is lack of communication. I have always believed that every problem can be solved through communication.

As Edward Bulwer-Lytton said, the pen is mightier than the sword. Yes, I have said harsh words to people but I know I don't deserve a rundown of my bad qualities especially from someone who I did not do wrong. I do not deserve those words. You do not have the right to say those things about me. You do not know me, you do not know my family, you do not know what I've been through. I am not completely the same person I was back in high school. So don't you dare judge me based on history or what you see on twitter or Facebook. 

A million sorry won't take back the cruel words you've written.You can never take them back. The damage has been done and our friendship is forever tainted by this. Someone once said that we should be thankful for words that were said in anger for they may be true. Or something like that. 

I do not know for sure if I could still be in the same room with someone who thinks the worst of me. I am not being melodramatic here but it really hurts a lot. I am so sorry that it has come to this but you do not deserve my friendship. You are right, QUALITY BEATS QUANTITY. I have far more better friends. 

To the rest of my friends, thank you for trying to make things better and to those who are just insensitive, I have no words for you just, I guess Voltaire was right.

After all that's been said and done, I guess it's best to go on a hiatus. I am not sure if I'm coming back but I am moving on. 

'til I blog again,

dee

Live. Just live.

Today went by so fast that I didn't notice the time so much. I was actually enjoying my training/seminar at the downtown area today. There were only three of us who attended the training without so much as a companion. Everybody had a friend or were with their barkada today. Imagine that. I felt so lonely at the start of the day. As the instructor began, we were already laughing. I thought he was a serious man. He was the funniest without a hint of corniness. I enjoyed every minute of it. Well, there were moments when he would ask questions and although he said that he wouldn't let us explain or whatever, I would hide myself at the back of the person sitting in front of me, like I always do when I do not have any idea what the person in front was saying. haha I am such a coward.

Anyway, it just feels so good to review some of the basic procedures I've learned in college. Come on, not everyone remembers every single step or how a cravat or bandage should be applied. In all honesty, I graduated from Cebu Doctors' University without so much as learning how to make a square knot. Sad, right? BUT. I know how to make one now and I relearned how to apply bandage in almost all the parts of the body. You know, that moment when the instructor was on the first step and then you just remembered everything you learned and you just applied it right then and there without waiting for him to tell everyone the next step, that was EPIC. I felt so smart. And then I tried to release the square knot and boom. it got stuck. Man, that was EPIC, epic FAILURE. haha but my partner was nice enough to turn around and just manually untie it. LOL

And before I knew it, the day was over. Oh how I was scared to go out of the building and walk to the jeepney stop. It's like a 7-minute walk and I am just petrified of the possibility of having my bag snatched again and yes, of crossing the scary pedestrian lanes of Colon St. I don't know but I just get nervous and extra guarded there. I tell you, the downtown area has a LOT of people. You just don't know who to trust really.

As I was walking, I saw women wearing pekpek shorts and (oh there you are camel toes) they were actually sleeping on cardboards on the floor outside of what used to be a cinema. Really? They looked like they were drunk as hell the previous night and just forgot to go home or they didn't earn enough money for taxi or jeepney fare. I also walked past a lot of gay people who are prettier than me (I love my own.) And the depressing part, there were a lot of kids begging for coins or food. Life really is not fair.

So the next time I feel unlucky and ungrateful about everything, maybe I should go downtown and have reality bitch slap me in the face. Yes, there are a lot of people who are wealthier or skinnier or prettier or happier than I am but there are far more people who are poorer, heavier, uglier and sadder than me. And no, I do not have the right to look down on them or even be happy about it but it would help to feel grateful for the things we have and don't. Sure, I have moments when I wanted to have certain things and I'd feel like dying if I wouldn't have them but I wouldn't raise hell. I just wait for the time when I can finally have them. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, as they say. And when it comes to things like these, trust me, my patience stretches for miles.

Sometimes people forget to be grateful that they just go on hating everything about themselves and their lives. They tend to forget that even with all the problems or the lack of financial stability or material things, there are still a lot of great things that they should be grateful for.
Life.
Family.
Friends.
Hope.
Love.

And of course, GOD.

I'm no expert at life, I'm still new at this and I guess I will keep on learning, and relearning it as I go on living in this world until the day I will join Steve Jobs, este, my creator. There's no magic formula in everything. I think what we need in this world is hope, faith, love and the ability/capacity to understand why certain things have to happen. I think the failure to understand or even try to understand our situation (the whys) is the reason why we are unhappy. Not having what we want is not the reason why we are unhappy, it's our failure to understand the WHY. As I've said before, there are reasons why things happen and usually we learn the lessons at the end of everything. Just like regret, but that's another thing.

Bottomline, we should try to broaden (or change) our perspective, you'd be surprise of how selfish we people are.

I guess this blog is longer than I intended it to be. I just wanted to blog about my day but with all that I saw today, I can not help but feel grateful of the things I have. Thanksgiving is almost here and again, there are a lot of things that I am thankful for this year.

Life is beautiful if you make it to be.

xo dee

To my Best Man ii

I have a lot of friends. They are like boobs: some are real and there are some who are fake.

I am quite blessed when it comes to friendship. I have maintained quite a number of friends over the years and I am proud to say that we still have some type of communication. I've had a few bestfriends since I was like 3 or 4 although we are not as close before now, we still remained friends. And I have quite a few group of friends that sometimes I find it hard to choose which group I should go out with. Gasto kaayo, trust me. It's not that I'm complaining but my resources are limited. haha

I have my childhood friends, my grade school friends, High school Friends, college friends, Dole/Odh friends, my cousins/friends, and the LA.

Oh no, I'm not complaining that I have a lot of friends. Honestly, I am more than happy to have them in my life. There's nothing more I could wish for than to have these kind of people as my friends.

But as I look back, I realized that there's this one person who I can bring to any laag/party/event without so much as a fuss. Don't you just love to have that kind of friend who blends in and talk to everyone without complaining? That one person that you don't have to entertain all the time? That kind of friend who just arrives at your house unannounced then raids your fridge and disarrange everything in your room and just annoys the hell out of you? I have that one friend and his name is ERIC DEREY YAP BARBETCHO.

To Eric,

For the times that you made me laugh when all I wanted was to cry, for the moments when I needed a friend and you were there, for being with me during the toughest times of my life, for celebrating the joys of being alive with me, for putting up with my nasty temper and sarcastic nature, for the treats you've given me, for the craziest advices I've ever heard, for being REAL, for being who you are and for not pretending to love me, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I am really thankful that in spite of the negative things that we've been through, fights, lies, etc, we still made it through. Our friendship became stronger than ever. I never thought that our relationship could turn out like this. And I couldn't be any happier.

Thank you so much for keeping up with me. You know how I am most of the time. And promise, I'm just glad that you're still there for me bisag I am the craziest person there is with my mood swings. Ikaw ang nagpabilin. I mean, some friends left me because they got fed up with my lovelife. Who does that?

Anyway, I wish you all the best things in life and there's nothing more I want than for you to be truly happy.

You are 24 already. Some say that age is just a number and sure, life is just a word. But whether it's just a number or not, you are still entitled to atleast try to make your life better, more colorful, less dramatic than the one you had when you were 23. I do hope that this time, you'd try to make the right choices and decisions. I really want you NOT to screw up or hurt yourself to the point of breaking down and depression. I want you to think about things before acting on them. I want you not to make the same mistakes over and over again. It's not that nagbuot ko nimo or something but I just want you to be really happy and drama-free. I tell you, life is so much better without stress, drama and the wrong kind of people. Be happy Er! I love and miss you so mucho!!!

and oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY doll!!!

xoxo,

dee