12.30.11 in my room
“You think you just want to die, when in reality, you just
want to be saved.”
I am not suicidal. But sometimes, when facing a bajillion of
problems, a combination of personal, health and financial, dying and death seem
like the best way to go. It’s the coward’s way out. It’s not so much as you
couldn’t take the problems anymore but I think it’s more of not having the
courage to face whatever tomorrow brings. Maybe so, because of not having
enough hope. Hopeless na jud. If you are poor and you have cancer, death seems
like the most appropriate solution rather than be buried in a gazillion of
pesos in debt because in truth, tramadol, nubain and morphine could only last
so long.
As for me, I have been a PT for over a year now waiting for
this something to actually take place, that sometimes I feel like the female
version of Juan Tamad, just waiting for that damn guava to fall. Of course, I
know that that damn guava will never ever fall until I pick it off the damn
tree. The thing about being a professional tambay is that, I have no income
whatsoever. Mothers, Mothers-to-be, do me the greatest favor and teach your
children how to be kuripot or at least the basics of saving moolah. I do not
have any concept of Saving 101 whatsoever. Yes, ako na ang pinakawalay kwenta
na babae sa balat ng lupa. Seriously, I am very much ashamed of my lack of
saving skills. But to at least give myself some credit, I am not a one-day
millionaire. I try to keep my money where it is for longer than a month. But there
are just some things that a person like me can’t live without.
I am currently in a state of war with my gallbladder, which
has been terrorizing me sporadically over a year now. I want it evicted. So
now, I am scheduled to have a surgery that will remove it inside me. Here’s the
big BUT. I wish I could go bigger than that but oh well. BUT, we are poor. We
don’t have money to pay for my surgery. We are accepting donations now. Mwahaha
“Ako po’y nanawagan sa mga taong may malalambot na puso na
kami po ay handogan nang tulong pinansyal para sa aking nalalapit na operasyon.
Maraming-maraming salamat po.”
You may be wondering why my English is sort of good. Well,
it did not start this good. Mwahaha You should read my grade 4 essays about
Snow White and all those lucky women who snatched all the handsome princes. At
the end of my articles, you would be left with the question: Did she? Or didn’t
she? Or was it he?
Kani laging mga buot-buoton na mga bata. Magpataka lang ug
English.
Oh yes I am off topic once again. I was able to study in a
private school in the City which was basically one of the cheapest compared to
the schools in the big, big cities in this big, big world. Our tuition fee was
like Php450/month when I was in grade 6. It did not exceed Php750. And pwede
pang mag-promisory note for 3months. Oh diba, private school. Mwahahaha
So yes, my parents could afford to send my brothers and me
to school however, they already graduated college when I started school so the
expenses were not tambak together. But now tragedies have struck us this year
and the years passed that we are currently in Broke State so as most of the
people in our place. Imagine, even buying rice was like swimming upstream in
the rapids. EFFORT.
EFFORT to the max.
Then here I am with my gallbladder problem. BITTER ang life
ko. Ang paet. Gallbladder nga, ang paet.
Then I would feel like regretting some life choices. But
then does it help pay the hospital bills? The anesthesiologist? The Surgeon?
I really feel like giving myself a good kicking until I
breathe no more.
This is just an expression. “Maypa mamatay na lang ko kaysa
malubong sa utang ug sa utang kabubut-on.“
But I really believe that I could do great things, IN GOD’S
TIME. Sometimes his time is way different than us. And we cannot be patient
enough. Gusto natoh always NOW nah!
But we really have to make a lot of sacrifices in order for
us to attain these great things.
Sometimes I wonder since I have never been lucky in the love
department, that maybe I should just sacrifice that. AHhhhh screw love life.
Let’s go marry the next dying rich man from La la land. You see they have been
urging me to do just that (marry someone not like us. LOL.) Since high school.
A few people in the Philippines really put foreigners in a pedestal. They’re
considered the savior and the Pinay the Heroine. Saving them from the financial
quicksand. Then there I was, fresh from a broken heart, still mesmerized by Happily
Ever After, brainwashed by all those novels, movies and fairytales, still
wanted to find that one man that will sweep me off my calloused feet, I would
tell them to go to hell and I will not sacrifice anymore because I studied this
and that blah blah blah. Now where did my Bachelor’s degree take me and the
rest of my batch? To Tambayhood and call centers. (No offense to the call
center agents. This is reality my friends. We studied to be medical people but
there’s just no room for us here in the Pelepens anymore.) Things, thoughts,
feelings and perspectives really do change over time. I want to work, any work
will do. I could be a janitress. But I am not good in cleaning. I could be a
stewardess but I am not blessed with the right body type and I am vertically
challenged. Mag-yaya na lang jud ko ani.
Mommies? Anyone? I’m cheap. Just feed me and give me a place
to sleep in. I’m all-good, really. I don’t even complain.
Now back to the matter at hand, my gallbladder. I wish you
would just sublimate saving my family and I the financial burden you would
surely bestow upon us.
We’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha
And, to those who are also in the same state as we are,
moral support is also needed. I need someone to watch me while still lethargic
and groggy, I don’t want to fall off the bed. To my would-be visitors, visit me
a couple of days after my surgery when I am not under anesthesia anymore. I
need to see your faces vividly because I will forever consider that as debt of
gratitude. I don’t forget the people who helped, are helping and will be
helping me. Even the briefest of visits so long as it’s sincere will always be
appreciated. Watch out mo pag makasurvive ko ani na surgery and madato nako,
sus, tagaan ta jud mo ug 1 bar of Dove, 1 bar of chocolate and one towel/t-shirt/cap.
And to those people whose shadows I won’t see, make sure I
won’t ever see you A-GEN. You will be forgotten and ignored. No excuses, no
nothings. I would rather you weather the heavy rain and flood just to see me
than not see me because you want to drink and be merry. No fair-weathered
friends allowed. I have a lot of those. God will take care of you. I don’t require
anyone to bring food because I won’t be able to eat it anyway; your presence is
what I desire the most. The people I know who would stick by me is far away so
I understand and you have expressed whatever it is you wanted already. I
understand. Ako pa, I was trained well to understand, to feel, and to try to
step into other people’s shoes. And to those who have expressed their worries,
well-wishes and concerns through calls, texts, tweets and private messages: I
APPRECIATE YOU ALL. It’s nice to know that people still do care about other
people other than themselves. KUDOS!
And to those who have sacrificed and will sacrifice their time to stay
with me in the hospital, I owe you a lot. I will never ever forget that. And to
those who did not even ask if I’m still alive, oh well.
I trust my surgeons well enough to wear panties. BWAHAHAHAHA
Again, we’re still accepting donations. Mwahahahaha.
On a serious note:
Please do pray for my successful operation and speedy
recovery and that no complications whatsoever would arise pre-op, intra-op and
post-op and that God would bless us with even more blessings and less tragedies
come 2012.
Good vibes!
May God bless us all with what we deserve and need.
May God bless us all with what we deserve and need.
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| What do guys think of my unibrow? bwahahaha Reminds me of that blonde girl in Hey, Arnold! I hope you finished reading my post laughing. |
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