Looking Back

It was no more than a slight interest on my part. I was curious. Eric got me curious. And one fateful night, that curiousity was fed by my impulsiveness. And by alcohol. Until now, I did not regret what I did. But I have a feeling that what I will do in the next days, or weeks, I will regret. Or maybe not. I don't really know. I will cross the bridge when I get there. And while I'm on my way, I will enjoy my ride. No matter how bumpy it is.

For months, that slight interest remained as it was. I never really took it seriously considering the situation I was in. I have been holding on to whatever control I have left. No matter what the other person involved says, I never took it seriously. Why? Because I don't want whatever I feel to grow deeper. No matter what my friends say, I still think it's wrong. I don't want to be so self-righteous but a few years from now, I don't want to be remembered as the girl who.....

Yes, this is probably a mistake. Holding on to this like a child holding a balloon afraid that it might fly away. I want this. This is making me happy. But I think this is wrong. It's too late for me to actually think this through since I am half way there.

This is probably the most honest that I can get. For a month now, maybe even more, I have been lying to myself about how I truly feel. Too afraid to admit that I have been hit by it. I can not even bring myself to type it. It's not that I am afraid, it's just that this may be a one-sided thing. The other person wants something else and I want the same thing with but with another thing altogether. I am afterall a woman. I tend to be emotional. It's not a bad thing, being emotional. But being just that screws things up.

Sometimes when I'm all alone I can't help but think about the possibilities. That person has been the major occupant of my mind. And I want to stop already. But everytime I try to, some things happen that prevents me from doing so.

I get butterflies, cold, clammy skin and just thinking about him makes me smile.

I want to stop. I am not whining. But I have to stop.

Looking back, I never thought this would end up this way. I thought maybe this would just last a month. But it has been almost five months.

Looking back, I told myself that I won't regret anything. I'm staying true to that. Because no matter how wrong this is, this made me happy. this made me smile. this completes my day.

And it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. What matters is, I am happy.