On my Own

It's Holy Week and I think it's only fitting to relax, sit on a corner and reflect. I have been trying to do so for the past weeks. But somehow, I failed. There were a lot of reasons why I couldn't seem to reflect about my life, the decisions I have made, the realizations, my feelings, etc. It wasn't like I was avoiding it. It's just that, I have been a little preoccupied with some things. And I was uncertain about some of the choices I have made.

A lot of things happened a little before and after I turned 22. But not those big things that are REALLY life-altering. Okay, they are life-changing in their own little ways but they happened so slowly that I barely noticed them. Either they happened at a snail's pace or I was being my old self again by not paying attention. But what the heck. It doesn't really matter since everything happend already. The choices have been made. The damage has been done.

Seven years ago, I had this thing for a guy I knew since I was in HS. I was too young to be in relationship with a guy 5 years my senior. He would have been accused of cradle snatching. On the other hand, I wanted to be with a guy who's years older than I am. The thing I had for this guy was not a crush. It was simply... a thing.

Less than a month ago, by some inexplicable twist of fate, our paths crossed yet again. okay okay. He went home. This time, both of us are "adults" now. Whatev. But the people around me still thinks that I am too young for him. Five years isn't really a big a gap. And he is looking for someone who's ready to settle down. And I think he already found her. Unfortunately. And I do like him. He is stable and a genuinely good person. But I still think they're just friends. Not more than that.

So I thought, I like him. I think about him A LOT. We text. But I am in no way ready to settle down. That's when I decided that not doing anything about what I have for him would be the best approach. You see, I have a lot of plans for myself. Being in a relationship would only confuse me about certain career decisions. I can not afford that. I can not afford confusion and risks.

--

I am doing something with my life. Though it's not what other people are expecting of me, I am doing what I think is best for me. Work will always be there. but the time that I am spending with my friends and family now are far more important and when I will be working, the time that I have spared for them will soon become limited. I don't want to be like some people who are yes, successful with their jobs, but are empty. I want to live my life day by day. Enjoy what it brings, pleasant or otherwise. Life has never been perfect. But I am willing to embrace its imperfections by living my life moment by moment. As I've said before,

"I only live once..."

"Life is short..."

to not actually enjoy it.