Out of sight. Out of Touch.

Written on the 18th of July, 2009

I took one big risk tiwce. And it's funny how I couldn't seem to take one risk that would show the slightest emotional interest.
He asked me and I didn't really find it difficult to answer with honesty. (Why do I like him?)
But telling him or texting him feels like betraying myself and everything I gained and learned the past months.
I had more than a year to think about what I want and more than a year to enjoy the company of friends and family. i was so happy and yes, there were points during those times that I wished I had someone special with me.
HOwever I didn't have the courage to risk personal and emotional security for something that is uncertain.
Yes I am a coward. And I can't do anything about it. Ell, maybe this is a lie.
I am scared of falling for someone and risking getting hurt again. I know getting hurt is part of life. But I'd rather avoid it than face it.
I am contented with what I have riht now. Security and myself intact.
But why am I longing for him? For him not to leave and jsut stay? From the start I told myself that I shouldn't let this "thing" get out of hand and be more that what I wanted it to be. Somehow it has reached the margins of the boundary I had set it in.
And I am in the verge of losing myself over someone that is passing.
I am confused as hell.
I've been telling myself to get a grip and let things go or detach mself from everything after he's gone.
A part of me couldnt wait for him to leave so that I could go on with my life. But another part of me wishes and prays for him to extend his stay/
I am truly losing my senses right now.
Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't concentrate.

6:33pm
When he leaves, I will become one of those girls who came and went out of his life. I was willing to take that risk. Now that i've given it some thought, I don't want to be one of them. I want to stand out. But I am too much of a coward to do anything. Instead I hide and act as if I'm not affected at all. (What might have been, What could have been.)
I guess I just have to see where everything would lead us. Or myself.
I hope I'd find what I need, want and deserve after evrything I went through.

I get pleasure from my source of pain.

After dinner.

When he leaves, I may never see him again. Should I take the risk? or just let things be and see where things would lead us in a year?

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Answers.
I bit the bullet and took the chance. Risking my security and sanity for the guy I fell in love with, still in love with. He made me happy like any boyfriend should. We had a month of a long distance relationship. WE text and call every night. He was worth every single sleepless night I had the past couple of months. He was worth every lie i said. There were times when calling and texting weren't enough for us. Frustration sometimes kicked us to the curb. But then we had the chance to see each other again. ANd I was willing to risk another 5days of my work time for him. i just miss him so and its only right to see him dba?
And we did. We were so happy. We did the things we talked about on the phone. We ate out. We partied. We spent time together. WE were so happy. But then I had to leave. ANd things started to change. And he disappeared. Out of sight. Out of Touch.
And here I am, confused and hurt. A lot of mind boggling questions racks my brain to exhaustion. but i still couldn't sleep.

I say, bye LOVE-LOVE. for now.

Til Im ready.

when?
I have no clue.