An Answered Prayer.

I was woken up by a gnawing (all kinds of) pain in my post-op site around 9 in the morning. Tatay did not dare wake me up again. I slept so late because my throat itches every now and then. What a painful way to live my life. For now. This will be over soon.

I was looking through my old stuff and I found these just laying around my room. Scribbles, thoughts, drafts, one-liners. Reading them all made me realized just how much things have changed in the last couple of years. 

More than a couple of years ago, I went through yet again, another emotional ordeal. But I got over it faster than I did the thing before that.

Letting Go.

Two words. Just two simple words but somehow, doing this is hardest thing to do in this world.

Here are some of the things I wrote back in 2008-2010.

"I know things are pretty scary right now but we're gonna be on the other side pretty soon."

 "No matter how wicked or rotten a person is, I still find it in my heart to be thankful that such person exists. Without him/her, we won't have a visual example of a bad person. We'd learn not to be like them."

 "The thing about doing what you want that's against friends and family's advise is that you feel like you have no right whatsoever to lament/mourn/rant/complain when things don't turn out the way you hoped it would."

 "Letting go might be the most difficult thing to do but it could also be the right thing. Feelings do change. What I feel may not fade overnight but it will in time."

 "Now, I kind of realized that both of us are just passing in each other's lives. What happened to us is just passing. A feeling, a sudden feeling and we got overwhelmed."

"There's always a rainbow after the rain."

"I need friends who will bring out the best in me, not my worst."

 "I realized that I still have my friends while I wait for my happy ever after."

"I am in the process of accepting the loss as God's grace."

"There's something wrong with how we think about priests. We tend to forget what they are. They're humans, too, just like us."

I also found some lines from books, et cetera that struck me in more ways than one.

"And suddenly, there was nothing left to say, nowhere to go, but gone. "

"Get some rest. All the same problems will be there tomorrow. You can't fix everything in one day. And tomorrow there will be a whole load of shit to deal with. Into each day, some shit must fall. "

"Never, never, never, never! Give up." Winston Churchill.

"It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it." Seneca 

"The world is fleeting; all things pass away. But before they do, I want to enjoy them."

"Know yourself." John W. Gardner.

"He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one should never remember it."

"The robe of Tolerant Indifference can be put on. (Not possible to love all.) 

"Don't feel personally, totally, irrevocably responsible for everything going on around you.... That's my job.

 Signed: GOD." 

Three years back, I wrote these on a piece of paper:

1. Rainbow after the rain.
2. More talks over less coffee.
3. My own Edward Cullen.
4. My dreams coming true.
5. Sunrise after the darkest of nights.
6. Friends who will bring out the best in me.
7. Belief that anything is possible.
8. Courage to finally do what I've been putting off.
9. Promises that are not broken.
10. A heart that forgives.
11. A good life and a healthy body.
12. ...

With all these, I learned and realized.

I am so glad that the God we have is a very loving one. Imagine a world not being able to forget. Always remembering the best times and of course, the worst times. Easy access to every memory, every feeling, every thought. It would be the most painfully loaded life. He always has a solution, an antidote, a partner for everything. Isn't he amazing? And when we start our year with tragedies, loss, grief, somehow, we find ourselves saying goodbye not to a bad year but a wonderful one. He always manages to  balance out everything.

God, you are simply amazing. :-) And I love you more for what you make me realize with everything that you give me. I have a lot of dreams and goals in life. So as my wants. You don't give me everything all at once. Instead, you give me what I need when I need it. Every night, I pray to you to give me courage to face each day. You don't give me instant courage. What you give me is a situation that would make me brave. I also asked you to bless me with patience and you always throw people to test what's left of it. Never then did I realized that everything I ask of you, you give me, but not in the form that I want, but in the form of what I needed at that time. Another amazing thing is that, I always ask you to give me someone who will love me unconditionally and surround me with people who do. One would think that I want someone to be with me for life. Then God gave me babies. Babies are amazing creatures, just like Him. (until they grow older, that is. :-D) I would always ask you to make me brave and the past years, you have thrown nothing but situations that would make me the bravest I could be. I asked you to make me healthy, my cholelithiasis and choledocholithiasis had been the bane of my existence for almost two years, now, it's gone. I am on the road to healthy living once more. I asked you for wisdom and you gave me a lot choices and decisions to make. I told you I wanted to do something meaningful with my life that I wanted to go to Africa to volunteer, you didn't give me that. Instead you made me look around me. You gave me the wisdom, the courage and the strength to create the Feeding Program who made all the kids and their parents happy, even for just a day. That is something meaningful and worthwhile.

And by the way, I asked you to make me rich. And rich I am. With family, friends and people who love me and will never leave. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

This is a whole new year and with that comes a lot of hopes, wishes and dreams added to my previous ones. If I ask God that I want the latest Macbook Pro, iPad and iPhone, a Sanyo Videocam, to travel at least twice this year and to help my family in my own little way, I just know what he will give me. Or maybe he has already. :D

I love you, God, for always being there for me.

Do you guys wanna know what's the 12th thing I wrote? Look at the title, that's it. :D

xoxo,

Dee