Post- Surgery Syndrome

More than a week have passed since my surgery and yet, I still haven’t had the courage to part ways with the removed organ. It’s still in the small jar inside the paper bag where I placed it before I got discharged from the hospital.

I edited it so that it wont be that gross. This is not for the faint of heart.

I don’t quite understand why I haven’t thrown it away or buried it somewhere. The initial plan was to incise it and get the stones and make it as souvenir. Somehow, I couldn’t take doing that because in a way, that’s acknowledging the fact that indeed, I don’t have my gallbladder anymore. I am a one-less-organed person. I know some people, especially the ones who haven’t gone through surgery, would think that this is just too dramatic. Overacting, some would say.

I was diagnosed with Cholelithiasis last June 2010. I was supposed to have it removed then but somehow I never felt ready. I would joke about it with my surgeon, I never treated it that seriously. It’s not that pain attacks occurred everyday.  I survived every attack and learned that a few foods really does trigger pain attacks. So I stopped eating them.

What made me decide to have it removed?

It’s not that my family forced me to. Let’s just say that if it were up to me, I would just leave it as it is. But then again, if I were to have an attack in a foreign country and my pain relievers would not suffice, what would I do? I was given a week to actually prepare myself physically, psychologically and emotionally about the impending operation. My idea of preparation was to not think about it, which I think now was a bad move for me.

I don’t quite understand how I completely feel about this whole thing. When I think about my cholecystectomy, I don’t think about myself as a nurse who had her gallbladder removed, but as a person with no gallbladder anymore. I don’t know if anyone of you understand how I feel right now.

It’s like a lot of emotions all rolled into one sushi mat. Hahaha

Maybe it’s safe to say that I am in a state of denial. And yes, I always find it hard to let go of anything for a while. This surgery was not pre-meditated. And by premeditation, I mean a few weeks of actually thinking about what I want, what I need and how I will survive it.

What I tried to do was document some of the things that occurred Pre-op and post-op. I did not dare ask if I could take pictures intra-op. Do I really want to see myself cut open? No, I don’t think so. Haha Or my crazy time in the recovery room? No way, Jose! I really made a fool out of myself in my RR time. Four doses of freakin’ pain relievers did nothing to alleviate my pain. Instead, music! Damn MUSIC was my diversion! Hahaha. Looking back now, I realized that music really does help me in not thinking about a lot of things.

“Thank you for the music….. “

So back to having-a-hard-time-letting-go-of-my-gallbladder thoughts, it’s like chopping off a few inches of your hair. Like giving away your most favorite toy/dress, etc. Just like spending the money you've been saving for months. That's how I feel about having my gallbladder removed.

Let me share this quote from Grey's Anatomy:

Surgery is extreme. We cut into your body, take out pieces, and put what's left back together. Good thing life doesn't come with a scalpel, because if it did, when life started to hurt, we just cut and cut and cut. The thing is, what we take away with a scalpel, we can't ever get back. So, like I said, good thing..

There's always about losing things that makes me... Sad. Especially if I can't take it back anymore. In addition to this post-surgery syndrome I'm feeling, I have these post-surgery paranoia about post-op complications. Haaay naku. Kill me. 


XOXO,
Dee