When tomorrow never comes

I reallly don't know what to make of my current situation. I feel like there's a drum inside my chest. Waaaaaaaah! I am so scared. I know it'd be alright and I trust my surgeons. Plus the surgery that I'm going to have is not really new to the medical field. It's like appendicitis na lang. Chicken!

But still just the thought of going into surgery just scares the living daylights out of me. I'm not really bothered about having a diagonal scar in my abs bwahahaha but I am scared about something else entirely, too. Again, this is what I call Karma. Gaba. Mirisi. Haaaay.

Now, I don't know who's going to stay with me in the hospital since this weekend is also our Sinulog celebration and we have our feeding program. I really don't want to impose on my cousins and family. I don't want them to miss the fun because I'm being such an inutil. If only I could do things on my own, I would. But I know well enough that going to the bathroom, etc requires a lot of effort when one has an IV line. promise. Even texting is effort kaayo sa efflane.

One priest asked me late this afternoon after he prayed over me, Wala ka nahadlok? (Aren't you afraid?)

No, I'm not scared. I'm just going to undergo a freakin' major operation. I am not afraid.
I wanted to say. haha just kidding. No, I'm not kidding. bwahaha. Yes, people, even under a lot of anxieties and stress, I talk like this. I am sarcastic by nature. So sue me.

But I answered, Of course, I am. I just try not to think about it. There's no use thinking of fear. 


I am not scared, per se. I am just nervous about the operation that something might go wrong, e.g. power failure, discovery of other illnesss/disease/condition, accidental ligation of other tubes inside my ABS, or worst-case scenario, I might die. Okay, the last thing is just being plain paranoid and psychotic.

I am really nervous now.

I am going there with my cousin and driver. See, I'm so brave, going to the hospital without my parents. It's like braving the vaccines back in elementary! But seriously, it's okay with me. I mean, they're busy and I really don't want to be such a pain in the butt about this whole surgery thing. I mean it's not like I'm dying or anything.

I just hope that when all this has passed, I will come out of this, well, alive and wiser and of course, healthier-minus-the-gallbladder.

I wonder if it's possible for me to feel phantom pain? I mean, I am losing an internal organ. I just hope that my liver, etc will compensate well with the loss of my gallbladder. It just hit me that I am losing it. I feel like crying. I'm scared, really scared now. I may appear calm and collected but deep inside I am losing my mind. WAAAAAAAAH!

I feel like running around in circles until I get cramps in both legs!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAH!

My friends, I am asking you to include me in your prayers. Thank you!

XOXO,
Dee

P.S.

For my would-be visitors, please don't visit me on Friday. You won't be able to see me on that day. However, you can grace me with your ever-wonderful presence on Saturday onwards. I will be admitted tomorrow, Thursday, January 5, 2012. For the room number, just text me or any of my family/relatives. Thank you very much!

God bless us all.